Keep Your Hands Offa My Mojo

[hoosiermama]

Ah, SP--yes, we have to do it. And so we do. And sometimes we gotta get creative to do it.

Here's my deal--xH left to be with someone else rather suddenly (to D13 and me, anyway) when she was 12. This is a critical time for young girls in terms of their future relationships with men. If they don't have a solid relationship with dad and know for certain they're loved, they can tend to compensate for that the rest of their lives, choose men who will allow them to replay the dynamic, etc. etc. And D13 is quite articulate about her feelings, having been raised by 2 folks in pastoral ministry/counseling. She feels way, way down on dad's list of priorities. Their relationship has gone rapidly down the tubes because of that and because she isn't all that happy about forming relationships with this new family of his, even--and especially--if he's forcing the issue. So right now I'm thinking--yeah, not a great situation in terms of her security about being loved by dad. Unfortunately I don't have any relatives nearby except a cousin. However, that cousin--who is a high school teacher--has stepped up and had some wonderful, "let's figure this out" chats with D13. Likewise with her godfather--about 2 months after the bomb, she and godfather really hit it off, have a wonderful relationship, she feels very valued by both of them, they're both solid, stable individuals. They're also both very safe men who I've known for most of my life. It's a way of compensating; it's not the same as her dad putting her on a pedestal and protecting her from all those evils dads are supposed to defend against, but it's not bad. Yeah, I have no idea what will be happening in her life in 2, 3, 4 years--but I know I'm not counting on her father to play that father role except when he feels like it. There have been times I've stood back and watched her interaction with Michael and with Richard and just been so incredibly grateful that they "get it" and have stepped up.

I'm not all that worried about the codependence and bailing out xH for his lousy parenting--I will always encourage that relationship, but I will look for ways to try to fill in the gaps. And I could care less about what that says to xH; if it meets needs for D13, that's what I'm happy about. Along with maintaining a good, trusting relationship with her (which has been pretty easy so far), so that she can talk it out and vent and find support.

I can tell you for sure--and I work with inner-city kids--that one solid, positive adult in the life of a child can make all the difference in the world, can salvage their lives and their impressionable developing psyches. You're a great dad--no one here had the slightest doubt about that--and your kids will be fine. Yes, they'll have scars that we wish they didn't have, but they'll overcome. But wow--I can soooo understand your frustration, anger, and anxiety about Themselves. Probably the hardest part of any of this, but--as I've found out--it's the part where instinct kicks in and you can rise above, far better than dealing with my own grief and pain.