Rabbit, as usual you are spot on. We must be quite similar for you to understand me so clearly. Your analysis is right - it used to be the historical pattern BEGAN with him being mean and spiteful, so I am still walking on eggshells. This means, even when he says something not mean, I kick off. So you are right that I'm struggling now with my responses, they are calmer, not a hundred percent detached yet as sometimes I still "let rip" others I walk away, just perhaps not soon enough.
I will keep the "new day" scenario as my goal! Yes, calm, centered, independent, whole in myself even if H is trying to bait me into the old patterns.
I feel better after reading your post and attending therapy today. I am proud that I didn't launch into "talks" about this party (and my birthday) and that H did approach me with some explanations, no matter how vague. We both took positive steps - he being more open, me being more calm and keeping panic in tact!
It is possible that H was saying things are on pins and needles right now and until MC has more time to shift things, he is treading lightly in his interactions with me. Actually makes sense. I just need to calm my panic that it means "there's an OW or he's tricking me or leaving me forever." No, he's still around, he's going to MC, he's not filing for D, so we need time to sort out our feelings. I guess I am trying to accept separation, instead of being impatient and trying to force us back together too soon to calm my panic, to get answers, to be certain. Instead, I am going to try to accept that separation is ok, even good for me - as I can focus on my emotions without blasting him, and he can do the same. I have not wanted to accept the separation, as I feel he "left" me but now I'm seeing it may be good for me too.
The posters on here who have had success all say their spouses needed time to be separated to come back on their own. And also, we learn to be independent and calm our own panic buttons and learn to focus on ourselves better during such a time.
So like Rabbit said, even when H is here, I'm going to try my best to ignore him and busy myself with my projects and goals.
