Now what the heck do we call everyone after the divorce?
I remember watching the soaring towers aflame then falling on 9/11 sending a tsunami of debris violently billowing through the skyscraper canyons. And re watching. And watching some more. Horrified. I forced myself to turn off the TV and do... something.
I went to a warehouse store and bought supplies in case of an emergency. I went to the bank and withdrew a substantial sum of money, in case of the financial system crashing. I didn't want to see more than I had, to have the images burned into my soul to the point where I was tortured. Where the attack continued ad infinitum within me.
Protect myself. Protect my family. Do what I could for good.
And that's kinda what I did with the revelation of his affair. I tried to focus my anger at HIM although I beat myself up alot in the process. She was the symptom. I called her the paramour, companion, the woman he dated during our marriage, his significant other. Now she's the wife.
I feel that if I put a lot of energy into her, that distracts from the real issue. Me and that that guy I was married to, the father of my children.
"The bitch, skank, slut who stole my husband, ruined my family and should burn in hell." Well.. even thinking that stuff would always increase the anger I felt. And additional anger did me not good. So I chose not to do it, not to say it, not to write it for my own wellbeing.
It hurt but was not surprising that he quickly remarried. What hurt the most was that my then 18 year old son felt he should tell me when his father refused. It took a lot for my son to do that, step up.. courageous.
Now granted, I grew up in a hateful situation where having to accept the deplorable was part of my MO. And I'd been living a life of underlying fear and hatred whose presence and strength I didn't realize until Bill left. And I knew I didn't want to have that on a go forward basis. Half of a century was enough.
So.. for me, she's his wife. He's Bill or 'the former spouse'. Writing 'ex spouse' would annoy me, too. Writing 'my' in front of either seemed counter productive. Why would I want to claim ownership/affiliation on something that was no longer?
I can only figure that.. the more it hurts, the more blame is needed. The more blame, the greater the sense of victimization. And that works for either side of the track. Healing takes time, letting go takes time. Grieving takes time. And oddly enough, time does ease all wounds.. it just up to the individual on how well they'll heal.
*hugs*
So coming up on my one year anniversary of the divorce, I can now refer to him as Bill, or 'the former spouse'.. a somewhat sterile appellation. I don't care about her, she's not part of my life nor need she be.
What I do care about is me, my kids.. and getting to be in the best place possible.
