A Choice

[patpat]

Hey Sole...

This week is actually better. Still dark. Have not spoken to W is a while. Feel good about that kinda, sad also.

The pain is less often, but when it hits, it hits with the same intensity as the day bomb was dropped. My heart tells me that W will come out of fog and come home to work on things. Everything else says "not". Of course, everything else is mind reading and I am not suppose to be doing that.

I apologize for being absent across the board. The last 3 weeks has been busy with work and all. Really crazy schedule and of course, my personal problems to boot. I have not been in a very talkative mood. I am a homebody and lately have been keeping to myself.

I feel like an outcast at times. My sitch is slightly different because A is not hidden from anyone. makes it difficult to bust. I know most A's do not last and that is one of the reasons I wait. Steve says I should not wait. But wait is what I feel I must do.

A long time ago I read this: (a prayer of sorts/poem)

Father in Heaven, up above
Please protect the girl I Love
Keep her always safe and sound
No matter how or where she is found
Keep us now and Forever
Happy, Loving and always Together

Then to W:

W, did you know that God above
Created you for me to Love
He picked you out from ALL THE REST
Just because HE knew I'd Love you best
And when I get to Heaven and you're not there
I will write your name everywhere
So all the Angels know and see
What you, my Love, mean to me
And if you are not there on judgment day
I'll know you went the other way
I'll give them back my golden wings
My golden harp and pretty things
And to prove to you, my Love is true
I'll even go to Hell with you...

Sole, I read this on the back of a napkin when I was 13 years old. I do not know who wrote it. It has been 30 years and I still have the napkin. I copied it and gave it to W when she was 10 years old. We have been together ever since.

I knew than as I know today that W IS my Life partner. I believe we are meant to be. Somehow, someway, it will be.

Granted, I did not take care of her heart as I should have. I got caught up in the world. We all do, don't cha think. We all have made mistakes. Even the folks that have all the right moves make them. They have secrets also... they have things not mentioned that would cause others to frown when they themselves walk in the room. We do not judge... I wish some would not judge me either.

I was willing to go to Hell for her than... I feel as though I am living it now. I deserve to have what I want, and it will take time to undue what has been done. That is the wait.

I GAL, I 180 everything I possibly can for me. I am alone and smiling everyday.... I cry to sometimes, and that is okay too...

I am as happy as I can possibly be in an unwanted unhappy sitch. And tomorrow is another day for hope, love and prayer... and laughter if one can find it.

I do what I feel I must.

And right now, I must go to hell and back...