Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

H just texted me (I haven't responded yet)...

He wants the boys on Sunday to take them bowling...

Every fiber in me says no because of what he has done recently...

I know legally I can't keep him from seeing them but I just want to tell him, "until you start providing support for them you won't see them".

My day was going well until now.

[Kettricken]

I can totally see why you feel that way. Totally.

Still ... the boys aren't like a car he didn't keep up payments on.....

Bottom line: What do you think would be best for *them*?

I don't know. I can't answer. But it always pains me to think about children feeling rejected by a parent, and here he is wanting to spend time .....

I know you'll make the right decision (whatever that is), and I'm so pleased to hear how strong you've been sounding lately and how you've been taking care of business. Good for you.

[Serenity13]

(((Kett)))

Thank you for your input...

As usual I swallowed my feelings for them and laid down the boundaries for him to follow...

I would never keep the boys from their Dad, hell it is a fight for me to get him to even see them...

I just don't understand why he can't be a little more consistent...

Why it is always on "his" time?...

He thinks it is ok to just throw it out there every few weeks and OMG I am supposed to bow down and cater to him...

I don't feel strong at all today and that happens every time I have to have any interaction with him...

I would rather tell him to piss up a rope and leave us alone because what he is doing is more damaging then just ignoring us...

Just ignore my little vent here - I am not jumping on you at all, I am just upset at the moment.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I can totally see why you feel that way. Totally.

Still ... the boys aren't like a car he didn't keep up payments on.....

Bottom line: What do you think would be best for *them*?

I don't know. I can't answer. But it always pains me to think about children feeling rejected by a parent, and here he is wanting to spend time .....

I know you'll make the right decision (whatever that is), and I'm so pleased to hear how strong you've been sounding lately and how you've been taking care of business. Good for you.

This.^..

As for the bills, I'd just write "NOT AT THIS ADDRESS" on them, and leave them for the mailman to pick back up. But that's just me. You're certainly under no obligation to help them find him, or to help HIM get them.

Puppy

[Serenity13]

Thanks Puppy...

I can do that...

I did intercept his W2 as well as documented proof that he changed his bank so I kept those for now...

Found out that he hasn't filed for D because that way he doesn't have to pay CS until it is said and done.

My sister just said to me - "God at any moment now you have got to turn into a b***h".

What a down day this has become...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I did intercept his W2 as well as documented proof that he changed his bank so I kept those for now...

Good moves. 'Course, if you tell anyone I said that, I'll have to kill you.

[Serenity13]

LMAO - Your secret is safe with me.

(((Hugs)))

[Puppy Dog Tails]

[Serenity13]

Thank you Puppy.

[Serenity13]

Journal ~

I feel off today - I don't know why.

Between working 6 days a week and trying to make time for the boys as well as do everything that used to take the 2 of us, I don't have a moment to myself anymore...

I am so tired & so drained - Mentally, physically and emotionally.

Everyone around me treats me like I am about to shatter - Worried if the next thing is going to send me off to the looney bin.

I swear if one more person asks me if I took my meds today I may just punch them in the throat.

Yes I am medicated however that doesn't mean I can't have a down day - I still have emotions, a whole range of them that overcome me each and everyday.

For the past couple of days the unfairness of the sitch has taken over in each thing I do...

Resentment has creeped in - Anger is sitting on the threshold...

I am mad that I have to do everything.

I am mad he just walked out without looking back.

I am mad he gets to be the "disneyland" Dad and I am nothing but a b***h.

I am mad I can't go to the bathroom by myself.

I am mad I can't leave the house without my little one having a meltdown for fear I won't come back.

I am mad I don't have answers.

I am mad he doesn't care - How do you build something for 20 years and then destroy it without a care in the world?

I am mad that I see so many spouses doing this each and everyday.

I am mad I spent hours helping a friend out of suicide last night because her SO did this to her 1 month ago and she didn't deserve this.

I am mad at myself because sometimes suicide seems like the better route then the undescribable daily pain.

I am mad at another friend whose H did this to her and she has taken the wrong road in dealing with it (ie: massive amounts of sex partners, drugs, drinking etc...)

I am mad that my H feels like he is a worthy parent because he is spending 3 whole hours with the boys tomorrow - Big friggen whoop.

I am mad that the "karma bus" hasn't run these wandering spouses over by now and the pain is dragged on and on and on until the LBS has no choice but to hit rock bottom and then go from there.

I am mad that no matter what I do, I can't seem to "desensitize" myself to the pain I carry.

I am mad when I hear people say "Get over it, it has been such and such days/months/years".

I am mad that I chose this prison I am now in.

I am mad I don't have much Faith in myself and the choices I have made.

I am mad that even after everything my H has done, I still love him with my whole heart because quite frankly, it would be easier if I could hate him.

So yes today, I am mad and I am unbelievably sad...I would like nothing better then a couple of hours to sort through my emotions however I can't because everyone wants something from me and all I want to do is crawl into a corner and hide from the world.