DDay, how long did it take for your (x)W to come to her senses from the time you separated? Even as far as talking.
That is hard one to answer. Fully: the fabled minimum 18 months.
However, (x)W I never got the "I love you but I'm not love with you" shpeah, infact the opposite, a full on "I still love you". After hostile 6 months last new years, she came forth wanting to work then, but balked. There were still too many issues from the M and one wrong word from either of us blew everything apart.
From there on, the D ensued. But every 3-4 months we'd talk, get civlized with one another but then again, the wrong thing would be said and back to silence we went.
The whole time, I could tell she wasn't happy with who she was, how she was living and where things were headed. She just didn't have the courage or strenght to stand up and take responsibility for what she had done.
Finally, the light that needed to shine came. And (x)W proclaimed, some things are worth fighting for. I know we're long haul now because that also meant potentially driving a wedge between her and her father.
What was the light?
I didn't care anymore about the marital problems. After all, we divorced, they're over. Some will say a divorce is simply a piece of paper. Not to us. That's why the last little bit of issue we have is in fact the D, not so much it happened, but the nasty things along that occured while it happened. But once all the issues of the M were laid to rest and the smoke cleared, she still loves me, and I still love her. And that is what made it all happen.
And as I've said, we've learned how to effectively communicate with each other so wonderfuly now after all this. Even when we do upset each other now, we do so in a non-damaging way.
So, when the you did this and you did that's can be laid to rest and you can effectively communicate, your relationship will get so much better, no matter what it's outcome.
I simply went the approach "I don't care anymore about the M problems, they're over. We have 2 kids to raise the best way we can. I gave you what you want". And from there, we were kinder to each other and talked more, and that underlying love festered. For those that still have that, then R is a sure possibilty. For those that lost that, at least co-parenting is not problem. And for those that can't forgive and accept, the hostility will continue on until one of you dies, and probably long beyond that.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I did see your post tho on spending too much time thinking about all this. You know, there is nothing wrong on taking a breather from the boards, I found it to be helpful to set goals and take a breather and accomplish them.
actually I should again before I get a nasty call from IS deparment. lol
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
We have gone through some nasty things also, first it started off with visitations with our D13, courts and such. H did file for a D last January and the last comment that was made about that was that I asked if we could hold off on the D for now since we both still care and think about it for a little while. His response was, don't matter its final next January anyway.
Not a good sign at all, but then we got along on Christmas as far as texting. He goes from one emotion to the next. I don't know if it is the depression that he suffers from or what.
H will go from one extreme to the other, in a heart beat, it's just the way it is, nothing can change that until he's certain. After all, what's on his mind? Think of that. Put all the nastiness aside and put yourself in his head (I know some folks will blast me for that, but, hey, it's how I roll). Is it really all THAT easy for him to say "piss on it, cut bait and throw the family down the drain"? I'd bet not.
His repsonse about holding off........irrelevent.
You are telling this to a person who stood there and watched his then W swear under oath in a court of law that our M was irrevocably broken and could not be saved.
And guess what...
It couldn't be saved. It was broken.
But not what founded it.
Keep the faith. Keep your head up. Now set the goals and get to work! You control you, no one else. Who was in control of you before your H? You.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
lol