Update. Since my last posting, just before our anniversary, we seem to be getting along better. She has been more conversant and friendly. The anniversary gift had an impact on her – I could tell she was moved by the gift (thanks Sandy for your advice on that one). I may have pushed too far on that though, because in the card with the gift I asked “how am I doing, how are you doing, how are we doing?” No response. But I did get a strong hug for the gifts.
Similar plan for Christmas – no gifts that could be related to us. All gifts are based around the kids. Had a professional portrait taken of our kids while D19 was home for Thanksgiving break. Only response to the gift was “when did you have this done?”. No thank you, nothing. But I have seen her multiple times continue to look through all the proofs. Most of the female friends have told me “what a wonderful gift”. But nothing from her.
I’ve also made some mistakes. I have been reading several of the books recommended here. One that I especially liked was “For Men Only”. Liked it so much, that I bought “For Women only” and gave it to W a couple of months ago. Felt it was OK since it was not a relationship book, per se. Included in the note with the book was this statement: “I don’t know where we are going or where we’ll end up, but this book, along with the one for men has helped me understand some of the reasons why we got to where we are”. Not sure if she has even read it yet, and haven’t asked about it. I now know it was pursuing.
Couple of weeks ago, she was complaining of a sore back, so I reached over and started to rub her back. She immediately withdrew, actually pulled away. Didn’t cross my mind until later that she was equating that to sex. Backrubs were a common precursor. So I still get it that she is not ready and I need to be aware of that. This is also pursuing.
She’s off and on wearing the wedding rings, some days she has it on, others not. She did not wear it at all during the holidays, but after Christmas, she started wearing it again. This week, it’s off again.
I am frustrated by her lack of acknowledging anything about me. But it’s getting easier to just not care about it either.
During new years weekend, my SIL brought her kids over to go sliding in our back yard. I had just finished my shower and was getting ready to leave for the night (going to watch a hockey game with some friends). My SIL comments on how great I smelled (Thanks Sandy) and asked what I was wearing. Also said she liked my haircut. W said nothing. At least someone is noticing.
Last week, D19 was hired by some friends to do dog sitting while they were on vacation in Mexico. D19 has been sick with the flu and W decided that she would spend the nights over there so that D19 could get some rest and get over the flu before having to go back to college. On the third morning, W called me to ask why a toilet would keep running. Talked her through some of the reasons, told her how to turn off the water, etc… Didn’t offer to rescue her, but when she asked if I could come over and take a look, I said OK. She didn’t want D19 to get blamed for breaking anything. Toilet was plugged. Tried several tricks and attempts to clear the clog. Couldn’t get it unplugged. D19 commented that the friends had said that the toilet had been causing them problems. So rather than fork out the dollars for a plumber, I cleaned up all the S**t in the toilet, filled it up with clean water, tried one last time to unclog it, then shut the water supply off. Told W that I cleaned up everything, back to clear water in the toilet and that a plumber would have to be called – her decision on if she wanted to call one or just leave it for the friends when they get back. Her response? OK. No thanks for trying to fix it, cleaning up everything and spending 2 hours of my time trying to fix it. Nothing.
Been out a lot during the past couple of weeks, playing hockey, going to games, etc… I’ve had plans just about every night since Christmas day. Most nights I’m getting home after W is in bed. Noticing that I am being noticed more – dental hygienist commented on how good I looked since my last cleaning. Dentist was flirting a bit with me at the same appointment (recognized it more after I found out she is newly divorced).
I’m doing good at dropping the rope and still being friendly. I’m following Sandy’s list. I see good things, baby steps. Last night, S17 was hurt playing hockey and couldn’t drive home. I was coming in from being out when W got the call – she was already in bed, asleep. We needed to go out together and pick him up and drive his car back home. We had a good conversation for the 20 minute car ride – talked about the kids school, grades, friends, etc… So some positives. But there are no actions from her about wanting to work on the M. Nothing on counseling. No comments on anything.
I’m ready if she wants to leave, I’m ready to move on without her if that is what needs to happen. I’ve actually thought through all the next steps. I dropped the rope, but recently started to pick it back up with a very loose grip. Seeing the baby steps are encouraging. But I really don’t think she gets it yet – what it would be like for her to be on her own. All our finances are now separated, although I’m not sure she even knows or understands. Virtually everything except a couple of credit cards are now in my name only. She’s cake eating. She has still not gone to any counseling sessions or made any effort to do so. I am prepared if we need to start “cutting” the rope.
So what about “temperature taking”? Do I ask about counseling again? Is that pursing? Or do I continue to wait until she brings up the R talk?
