He is not you. He will handle it the best way he can. Understand he is hurting, his world has crashed, his wife has left him because of his mistake, his family is getting ripped apart, he can do nothing to fix it and you think he is pretending. This is very real to him. It probably takes all his strength to get off the floor sometimes. Put yourself in his shoes. Look at your situation like you are looking from the outside into a fishbowl - what do you see?
So much this. It's not a lack of self-care to practice some imaginative compassion.
And when you have multiple respected posters telling you that (no matter how you explain yourself) you are coming across bitter, rigid, and controlling, that is a gift you might want to give some thought to.
Along with doing some serious reading about cognitive dissonance; I recommend "Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me", by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson. It might give you some insight both into your husband's descent into adultery and your own (to external appearances) extreme need to justify and seek validation for your decision to divorce.
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Now, as to your question. Believe it or not, I have some sympathy for your POV. It's not unreasonable to ask, "How can any good relationship emerge from the ashes of inauthenticity?" When people aren't completely honest about their emotions, does it complicate an already messy situation unnecessarily? That's certainly possible. (Note: I would not characterize such emotional prestidigitation as "lying"; no one owes you complete openness about their internal emotional state.)
A couple of reasons why this is sometimes recommended, practiced, and even successful. The first has already been mentioned. Often, complete honesty from the LBS is met with complete viciousness from the WAS. Since generally (here, anyhow) the WAS is the one who was unfaithful, open expressions of pain and devastation from the LBS act as vinegar in the open wound of the WAS guilt. On some level, they know they're wrong and they caused all this pain, and they don't wish to be confronted with concrete evidence of same, it only drives them away faster and farther. That's why it's sometimes productive for the LBS to "put on a happy face". At least it may slow the mad dash. (Also, it removes any possibility of the WAW feeling justified in saying, "See??? You're always so negative and overly-emotional and unstable; that's why I had to leave .....")
Secondly, we have the distance/pursue dynamic. We all wish humans were a little more mature than this, but nonetheless it's broadly true that we want what we can't have. Sometimes we see more value in the friendly-but-somewhat-aloof-and-self-sufficient person than the person who is ardently pursuing us, and act accordingly. This board is littered with examples of WAS who wanted nothing to do with the LBS until they thought the LBS was being pursued by or interested in a third party. Then, all of a sudden, the LBS started looking better. That kind of possessiveness is somewhat repulsive, to me anyhow, and isn't in itself a solid basis for anything ... but the point is, it got the walkaway's attention, which is a necessary *starting point*. The same may be accomplished, without involving third parties, by simply being seen to have "gotten a life", which may at times include appearing to be happier and/or more together than one actually is.
Thirdly, a word on "Act As If", according to Michelle. She says,
"If you anticipate a negative response from your mate such as, "I know he will be angry at me when I walk through the door," or "I know he won't accept the idea I have," or "I'm convinced we'll have a fight at this party tonight," you probably change *your* behavior in subtle and not so subtle ways. As a result, you may inadvertently trigger the very response you are hoping to avoid. Your tension -- the way you walk, look and speak -- may provide cues that signal hostility without your even knowing it.
To aovid setting yourself up for failure, ask yourself: "How would I act differently if I expected ____________ (him to be pleased to see me, her to agree with me, or the evening to go well)? Be as specific as possible. Perhaps another example can help.
A woman admitted that she was anticipating a fight with her husband when he returned home from work that evening. I asked her to predict the sequence of events after his arrival. She said that when he entered the house she would be making dinner. He would walk into the kitchen and she would avoid his eyes, waiting for him to greet her first. She anticipated feeling tense and, in an effort to calm herself and avoid conflict, she would continue making dinner, paying little attention to him.
Then I asked how she behaves when she's had a great day and is eager to see her husband. Without hesitation she responded, "I greet him at the door with a hug and a kiss. I ask about his day and tell him about mine. Then we relax for ten minutes or so; he reads the paper and I read the mail. He tells me that I hum when I'm happy, so I probably hum when I'm done reading the mail."
You can see how different the backdrop for the getting-along scene is as compared to the backdrop for the showdown. The scenes are the contexts which influence moods, feelings, perception and last but not least, actions. I suggested that this woman set the scene for cooperative interactions by acting as if she expected cooperation. She did and, much to her surprise, they had a very pleasant evening together."
This is an example of two people who were still together, but the principle applies across the board. You project what you expect, that's why couples get mired in the same old crappy stupid power struggles year after year. "Act As If" attempts to break that cycle. It's not about occluding what you are. It's about choosing to (at least try to) behave like your happy fulfilled self instead of your resentful hopeless self. Getting back to that beginner's mind. History hangs us up here; rejection and neglect conditions us to respond ..... (drum roll) like someone who's been repeatedly rejected and neglected. Well, duh. Quite human and from one standpoint, totally justified. But useful, productive? Not so much.
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Also, in your case, it is entirely possible that your husband knows he has betrayed and hurt you deeply, and is trying to be kind by not heaping HIS emotional devastation onto your plate too. Not to compare pains, but as hideous as it is to be on the receiving end of adultery, it's no walk in the summer breeze to realize what you've done and truly feel remorseful and know that *you* are responsible for this pain and you could have avoided it and there isn't a single thing you can do about it now. There have been spouses in his situation who have wallowed vocally and dramatically in their own guilt to the point where the betrayed spouse wound up feeling so bad that they put their own pain on the back burner to minister to their self-destructing mate. Not admirable. If your husband is sparing you that, you might want to at least assume his motives are good. That's at least as likely to be true as if you assumed his motives were bad.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I can't believe I wasted my time reading all this! I've had more than my fair share of dealing with hardhearted, stubborn, mule-headed and obstinate women who don't know WTF they want.
I'd rather get involved with someone's thread who knows what they want and help them get it.
Good luck KS.
EDIT: Kettricken, wasn't talking about your post.. .just the whole thread.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Trent, I don't think she can admit it yet. I think she is a trainwreck of emotions. Like the analogy I gave earlier. It's like touching a hot stove- you don't even think you just react quickly. All you can think of is getting away from the pain.
But she is adamant about being 100% truthful about her feelings. She feels betrayed because her husband had been cooling off towards her, and cheated on her.
So, I'm holding her to her own standards. She says she's done? I believe that she's done; otherwise, she is being dishonest -- how can I ever believe what she has to say ever again?
She can't have it both ways. Either people must be truthful with their spouses 100% of the time -- an impossible expectation, by the way, that may have directly contributed to this situation -- or they can hold back parts of themselves and have seemingly contradictory emotional states.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Trent, I don't think she can admit it yet. I think she is a trainwreck of emotions. Like the analogy I gave earlier. It's like touching a hot stove- you don't even think you just react quickly. All you can think of is getting away from the pain.
But she is adamant about being 100% truthful about her feelings. She feels betrayed because her husband had been cooling off towards her, and cheated on her.
So, I'm holding her to her own standards. She says she's done? I believe that she's done; otherwise, she is being dishonest -- how can I ever believe what she has to say ever again?
She can't have it both ways. Either people must be truthful with their spouses 100% of the time -- an impossible expectation, by the way, that may have directly contributed to this situation -- or they can hold back parts of themselves and have seemingly contradictory emotional states.
Yeah, I see your point- it is kind of flaky. . I wish more details of her sitch would be filled in. Did I read this right. The husbnad ended the affair and then voluntarily admitted to it?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Not everybody reacts the same way. There is not a standardized list of how one is supposed to react when facing a deeply moving, upsetting or happy situation. You have the right to choose how you react but you do not have the right to dictate how another person should (none of us do, I am not finger pointing at you). And when they don't react how YOU want it doesn't mean they are lying.
Gnosis, I love you man, and I wouldn't even blame you for a "blah ... blah .... blah" considering how long that post turned out.
Kett, I care about you, respect and VALUE your opinions and insights. My post was being written at the same time you were writing your excellent post. The timing was off.
I went and "edited" my post as soon as I saw yours because I understood that it might be misunderstood.
To be clear: Everyone is giving great advice... unfortunately it is falling on deaf ears. Pastor Trent is going blue in the face repeating himself....
To be clear: Everyone is giving great advice... unfortunately it is falling on deaf ears. Pastor Trent is going blue in the face repeating himself....
I think of it like trying to get a car out of deep snow by rocking it back and forth.
It may get out by going forward. It may get out by going backward. But sooner or later, it will move.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I think of it like trying to get a car out of deep snow by rocking it back and forth. It may get out by going forward. It may get out by going backward. But sooner or later, it will move.
Unless you slip and bang your face on the hood... or slip a disk and end up in hospital.
