Lying about feelings drags you to their level?

[TrentC]

I see advice here and other places that in these tough times, the person who is hurting more is told to disguise their feelings. Act like you don't hurt, or pretend that it doesn't upset you when you see the other person.

But it seems that if you were to do this, it's like the liar is pulling you down to their level, making you lie as well?

Choosing to behave as if you feel a different way than you do is the basis of many cognitive behavioral therapies.

Smokers who are trying to quit will put a thick rubber band around their wrist; when they feel a craving for a cigarette, they SNAP the rubber band to distract themselves. Is that dishonest?

[Steve McQueen]

So if someone pretends that they aren't sad or crying, even if you were to get back together, wouldn't you have somewhat sabotaged it by not being truthful?

you tell us.

what deep says

Not a few on here don't have a single one of those little points. They fight tooth and nail for even basic admission of A, and would probably consider sacrificing a limb or 2 to have their WAS actually care about them again.

In these situations, they have to try what works, because rationale, logic, and unconditional love will get them nowhere.

it seems to me you, scraff, are doing exactly what works, and there are alot of people here giving you grief and arguing with you when in fact they have been waiting around a year or two trading "unconditional love" for crumbs of attention as their spouses are still cheating on them sometimes with a second or third partner.

Share with these folks what works!

[CityGirl]

You requested an open discussion, correct? That means you have to open to opposing opinions at the same level we do. Is that something we can agree on?

Have you ever seen somebody cry at a wedding? A wedding is a happy thing so if somebody is crying at such an event they must be lying, right?

Have you ever seen people laugh at a funeral? If they are laughing they must not be sad, right? Of course not! Maybe they are recalling a fond memory, maybe they choose to celebrate the life of the deceased and mourn at a later date.

Have you ever been so scared to death (like say you were about to jump out of a plane) that you just started laughing like a lunatic?

Not everybody reacts the same way. There is not a standardized list of how one is supposed to react when facing a deeply moving, upsetting or happy situation. You have the right to choose how you react but you do not have the right to dictate how another person should (none of us do, I am not finger pointing at you). And when they don't react how YOU want it doesn't mean they are lying.

[june72]

OK, folks, I have thoughts on this. As I have said on Knitted's previous thread. Knitted scarff is here really to try to find a way to take him back. Knitted, I don't believe you. I am kind of like you- You want him to hurt like hell to experience the pain you are still going through. You want him to crumble as a human being the way he crumbled your world. You want to through up roadblocks and see him prove his love for you by overcoming those obstacles.

I wonder if you have a hard time admitting your true feelings to yourself and bring up other minor issues to focus on. My mother was like that- my dad was dying she was off comforting another family who relative was actually recovering- she just couldn't handle the real disaster- she had to have her diversion.

Maybe you have a really crappy counselor or have told so many people that you are Ding this b@stard @ss that now you don't know how to face those people if you were to work on it with him.

You are bothered by his trying to hide the truth b/c you want to really- gosh, I can't figure out how to put this into words. You want to have him admit he is hurting as a way to show he still loves you. You want open honestly about everything. The fact that he is not going to counseling bothers you and you are looking as this as a way to get him to go? I honestly think you want him to grovel more to you also (I am so like that- I'll admit to it) IDK, poorly worded- I can't express right what I am thinking.

What if you, told him that while you are going forward with the D you still wanted to talk with him. (He is occupying way too much space in your mind). Ask him some more "why's". Others see it as control- I see it as excuses to maintain contact and try to find reasons to keep him in your mind.

Maybe he stopped admitting he is hurting b/c he is trying a new tactic to win you back, as others have mentioned.
As for the lying to you about how great he is doing- How I would handle it... (And I am not a very good DBer) I would call him out on it. I would say I know you were crying to our daughter and she heard you crying in the other room and just wait for his response.

IDK, I think you are so NOT done with this man. Subconciously there is a ton of stuff there. You are focusing on odd things for a person who could care less about someone.
As I said in the last thread- a person who is truly done avoids the other person like the plague and gives them no thought what so ever.

I just see you as a sulking teenager stating in a moody tone "I don't care, don't care at all" when every know's you do.

Knitted, I am sorry you are in such pain.

IDK, maybe you will feel I am 100% off on this...

[dburt]

Guys, she is right, everyone else is wrong. She is only here to justify her actions. It was a deal breaker, everyone knew it. No one can ever come back happy after an affair happened during the sanctity of marriage. No way do kids lie or manipulate to get one parent to feel something for the other parent. They know that they would be better off with their parents separated, why would they make anything up.

If he would only start to be honest with her and himself, he could be better at coparenting, he does not have any real remorse, because of all of the lies he continues to bring up.

It was the big O after all, the big O!!!!

She is right, she is right, she is right!

Burt

PS sorry, I know you are hurting and it hurts bad, but before you do anything rash, slow down, let your head get on straight and let your emotions calm down. Listen to the people here, a bunch of them have made it through worse things, most here had their spouse tell them that their love for them was gone that they are actually in love with someone else. You have a husband that still loves you, loves his family, will probably do anything to get it back together. And I think you still love your husband to. Maybe, just maybe it can work out, if forgiveness can be an option down the road.

[june72]

it seems to me you, scraff, are doing exactly what works, and there are alot of people here giving you grief and arguing with you when in fact they have been waiting around a year or two trading "unconditional love" for crumbs of attention as their spouses are still cheating on them sometimes with a second or third partner.

Share with these folks what works!

I agree with Steve

[TooLateForMe]

Fake it till you make it is a common and often successful way of changing unwanted behavior.

You're just bothered by the fact that he's not the wreck you want him to be. You're bothered by the fact that he has the gall to act as if he's not the monster you think he is.

It seems to me you want us to agree with you and your opinions so that you can feel justified in your actions. Either that or you unconsciously want people here to convince you to stop the D and begin healing.

That's not what this place is about. The reason everyone is focusing on you in this "generic" situation is that your H isn't here, you are. We can only deal with you and the impressions we get from your posts.

People here keep asking why you're posting her because we are concerned with stopping our D. Many of us have been very damaged by the loss of our spouses and you appear here with an inflexible desire to tear your M apart.

Your H realized that groveling didn't work, that appearing to be devastated made him seem weak and unattractive. Maybe he will fake it for a while and then move on with his life, perhaps better off than before, without you. Isn't the real reason this bugs you is because you don't want him to be better off without you? It is a bit of a blow to the ego, especially for a controlling person.

[TrentC]

OK, folks, I have thoughts on this. As I have said on Knitted's previous thread. Knitted scarff is here really to try to find a way to take him back.

If that's what she wants to do, then she should just admit it. We can help her find reasons to do so and encourage her to find the strength to forgive him.

But as long as she insists that she's done, she doesn't and will never trust him, that he's dangerous and she's scared of him, then I will say (for the 6th time, now):

File for divorce and move on with your life. Work on your own feelings and let him deal with his own guilt and pain his way.

[june72]

OK, folks, I have thoughts on this. As I have said on Knitted's previous thread. Knitted scarff is here really to try to find a way to take him back.

If that's what she wants to do, then she should just admit it. We can help her find reasons to do so and encourage her to find the strength to forgive him.

But as long as she insists that she's done, she doesn't and will never trust him, that he's dangerous and she's scared of him, then I will say (for the 6th time, now):

File for divorce and move on with your life. Work on your own feelings and let him deal with his own guilt and pain his way.

Trent, I don't think she can admit it yet. I think she is a trainwreck of emotions. Like the analogy I gave earlier.
It's like touching a hot stove- you don't even think you just react quickly. All you can think of is getting away from the pain.


Honestly, there are ton's of D suport sites. She came to this Dbusting site though. I mean interesting, right?

[june72]

Gosh, another thought- maybe the hubby is getting counseling and Knitted is unaware of this and the counselor is familar with the "act positive" attempt.