What to do when H doesn't contact?

[Goodfight]

Thanks Jon for the link. I'm trying to take care of myself from now on. I lost too much weight and am very depressed but seeking help. I know I need to take care of myself especially after reading the article that you sent to me.

DDay I knew I shouldn't have texted H about not getting S19 anything for Christmas, I don't know why the heck I did it. I guess I didn't think it through first. My psychologist even said it wasn't to hurt my S19 it was to hurt me because H knows how much I love and care for my children. H wanted to push my buttons and I allowed it.

[dday101798]

Awwe, GF, don't beat yourself up too much over it. You do point out a goal for yourself. I, like you, and any other loving parent in the world got my buttons pushed by (x)W when it came to the kids. One by one I recognized and disconnected every other button she'd push, but this one was the hardest.

However, victory was mine the day that button ceased to work for her. Make that your goal!

[Goodfight]

It's just so hard with NO contact. I'm so sad and depressed but I guess I have to wait for him to contact me. Thanks DD for the goal, you are so right about it. That could be my first goal!

How did you do it as far as the no contact as far as the children go though? See mine is 13 so he beeps the horn and she goes. Do I keep on doing that?

[dday101798]

Ohhhh, it's the other way around with no contact.

No contact allows you the ability to come to the rationale and uphold to yourself, "huh, this is the way H wants it, than that is what he'll get" and in time that thinking will not allow him to push any buttons any more because he doesn't DESERVE that from you.

Ponder this, why in the world would you let someone you don't associate with get to you?

I'm not quite sure I understand your question about the children?

What I can say is, he pullsup and beeps the horn, walk you child out on the porch and give her a huge hug each and every time. Not only will it make you feel better, and your child feel better, but as with my (x)W, give a dose of reality that you ARE that childs parent too, and they are 50% you, and 50% him.

[Goodfight]

I was wondering how you did the no contact thing with your (x)W, with children involved. Or did you have contact the whole time as far as visitations and things?

With my H, he calls her every night while working when he is on the road, and they make the plans when they will see each other.

That was my question.

I'm a little confused on the part he doesn't DESERVE that from me. Do I text him as a friend to say what's up or just keep away fully?

[dday101798]

KEEP AWAY.

If he can't be mature enough to deal you on a business like level for the sake of rearing a child the both of you brought into this world, he needs to suffer the consequence of his action then.

What I meant about the dererving, he doesn't deserve to have the right to push your buttons. He walked away from you, he walked away from his position to have imput on what you do and certainly and imput on how you should act. It is now your life, not the life you had with him. Live it.

How did I handle (x)W and no contact. At first, poorly. I did as you and buttons were pushed and arguements would ensue and then we wouldn't talk over and over again. When we weren't talking, which was often, when I'd pick up or drop off the kids, I wouldn't say word to her, period, unless called upon to do so by her. And when I did have to speak, I was short and to the point.

It would frustrate her to no end. And when she'd finally crack and ask "why are you treating me this way", the answer was consistant each and everytime, 'this is what you wanted'.

We had (have) a set visitation time table, so I never erally had a reason to contact her about anything. She did often go through our older son tho to negotiate changes, which would really piss me off as that is a no-no any way you look at it.

Once I finally started to practice what I now preach and didn't contact (x)W at all unless there was a school or health related emergency, things were a whole lot easier for me to let go and forgive and accept and just live this thing out to the best of ability and control what I can control and not let (x)W or her actions control me.

EDIT - rereading this, coin what I said in your head, "this is what you wanted", it's a powerful statement, it does not accuse, and it does not validate, it states simply, it is what it is.

[Goodfight]

Thanks once again DDay. This is just tearing me apart and any advice I can get helps out a lot. I guess I was getting my hopes up when me and H were talking as friends and then the Christmas thing happened with my S19 and it all went downhill once again from there.

[Goodfight]

DDay, how long did it take for your (x)W to come to her senses from the time you separated? Even as far as talking.

[dday101798]

Hopes can dangerously lead to expectations, and expectations lead to nothing but problems with these situations.

He made his choices, let him deal with them. Yes it is painful, but do not allow it to tear you up. It is not your pain to endure.

I'm by no means a religous type, but I will say, the serenity prayer is something to live by through this.

[Goodfight]

I pray and pray. I'm trying really hard not to let it tear me up but it is, I think about it everyday all day long. I wish I knew how to make it stop.