Lying about feelings drags you to their level?

[TrentC]

And think about it, if I were really a controlling person, you'd think I'd use my wondertwin powers to activate and prevented him from cheating. Seems like I fail as a controlling wife, eh?

That's the part that gets to you, doesn't it? That he did something and kept it from you. That he has hidden things from you, and continues to hide things from you.

You say that you should have taught him to stand on his own two feet a long time ago -- bringing up the example of the email you wrote for him -- but you also seem to resent that he has his own mind about things. That can be frustrating.

You said that up until two years go, you and he agreed that sex outside the marriage was a deal-breaker. What happened two years ago?

Let's take a ride on the make-believe train...

Maybe as he got older and grew more comfortable in the relationship, his attitudes about such things mellowed. Maybe he it wasn't for selfish reasons, like he was planning an affair; maybe he just came to believe as many of us do -- that there are shades of grey in every situation, and people sometimes do things out of fear or pain or loneliness that they end up regretting.

But he couldn't talk to you about it, because you were (and are) vehemently opposed to adultery. He was worried that you might think he was up to something. But it's no big deal, right? He's not planning to go anywhere, so he'll just keep it to himself.

Then he meets the OW. You haven't said much about her, so we'll assume she's a co-worker or some other acquaintance. They get to talking one day and somehow the subject or adultery comes up. She feels like most of us do, and he thinks "Wow! Not every woman is as rigid in her thinking as knittedscarf!" So he tells her how he used to believe as you did, but as time wore on, he realized it wasn't as big of a deal.

That can be all it needs to start towards an affair; he starts feeling closer to her than he does to you. It's all a lie, of course; the "love chemicals" bubbling in his head makes it feel like the rush of new love. But it's not genuine, and it doesn't last.