Calling out the Piecers

[NoCodeBlues]

That my friend is the dilemma in it'self. There is no way for me to know 100% of the status. I live 13+ miles away from (x)W. OM lives all of 3 blocks. I'm certainly not going to make it the duty of my kids to report if he's around. Then again, half the time they don't even realize that I had stopped by late and stayed with (x)W for a while.

No, there is no way to know for certain unless the WAS is within eye and earshot of you every second of the day. Not realistic.

Okay, Dylan, here's my answer: Go with what you do know. You know your xW still has a business arrangement with the OM -- that has to stop, pronto! That's your starting point -- now take it from there. Look at the facts and address those.

[dday101798]

Well,

I took (x)W grocery shopping last night afterwork and then we stopped off for a casual drink and some chit-chat.

On OM, I reitterated what I said here, I have no way to know either way what the deal between her and OM is and that I'm not going to be physically sick over it. She says there is absolutley nothing to worry about in any aspect. He normally only contacts her about the house downstate and every so often gets drunk and stupid and 'pisses her off'. Again, all I could tell her is that I'd love to believe that, but she has to understand I have no substantial proof of anything, and I appreciate her being honest about everytime he does contact her, but my patience is wearing thin. Especially if OM lingering around is going to effect my health and the quality of ML to her, things are only going to get worse.

In an ironic twist, (x)W's conscience is eating her in the same regard. I was open with (x)W that I had dating interests, and as noted a few weeks ago, one of the main potential interests being one of my cousin's (former) neighbors. Well, last night I had to go over to a different neighbors house to look at their son's car he wrecked earlier in the day. Of course, this led to a few beers there as we all sat and chatted a bit and delaying dinner. By the time I made dinner for my cousin and I and finally got to relax, I ended up being by what I call "the chair of doom". Everytime I sit in the thing it puts me to sleep and. So, I didn't call (x)W to say good night as I was, well, passed out. (x)W sent a few messages during the course of the night and one after the other questioning what I was doing and finally led up to asking if I was with the aforementioned neighbor of 'interest'.

So, perhaps that also explains some of (x)W's temperment lately.

Speaking of temperment............

I called (x)W this morning to apologize for not calling last night and to make sure she was straight with her ride to work and she was. I also checked to see how the boys were as the were VERY unruly and disrespectful to each other and her last night when I helped carry her groceries in. It went so far as I noticed there were spots on S11's shirt I got him for x-mas and I asked what happened and he said it blood from S12 punching him in the face.

Anyway, the house was in disarray and (x)W had asked them to pick up while we were shopping. Of course, they didn't. So, (x)W tells them to turn the TV off and please clean. S11 crabs and moans (very rudely) and S12 continues to flip channels.

I let this ride out unitl (x)W got flustered and went into "drill seargent dad mode" and stepped up to the plate. S11 nearly crapped himself when he got a 2 second lecture from me about how to address his mother, and all it took was one snap for S12 to turn the darn TV off.

So I asked (x)W this morning if they remained civil for the remander of the night. Of course not, the moment I walked out the door they were right back at it. All I could say was, well, they're not that way with me. And then, (x)W EXPLODED. Ranting and caryying on that "I know they aren't that way with you, I don't know what to do, but I'm sick of hearing from people how they listen to you and not me". Heh, you know what they say about karma? So, that just goes to show what I've told her all along, eventually they are going start acting out on her as they come to grips with the who's who and the why things are the way they are from all this mess.

[dday101798]

Okay, Dylan, here's my answer: Go with what you do know.

As said in my post while you were posting this, addressed, again.

I can also say that I am very analytical, in all regards. I pay attention to everything around 'her house'. Any indicators of OM being there. 'Her room' as usual, a complete disaster area. But I still pay attention to evything, all they way down to the style of clothing and undergarments strewn about. I know if there's a sultry pair of 'undies' out, something isn't right. So far, so good. Not one speckled hint of any foul play to date.

[mishka422]

Dylan, just a suggestion about her problems with the boys. She obviously feels not quite up to par in her parenting of them. She knows they behave better for you. Instead of just making the comment that "they don't act that way with me." maybe you could offer some 'lessons' to her when the boys are not with you all. She can't really learn different techniques for handling them while the problem is occuring because it would look like you are undermining her authority, instead she has to develop a coping strategy for each incident that may arise in advance and be prepared to use it.

I'll think about the best way to approach that, but think on it yourself too. If she feels like she has better control of the situation with the boys, she may not be as stressed all the time about it.

[dday101798]

That's a valid thought Mish.

Her problem is and has always been to issue consequence with them. Also, if and when she does issue a consequence for poor behvior, she often never upholds those consequences.

It was also a constant dilemma working together. They'd get bad grades or something and say 'no TV unil midterms' was the punishment. Well, give it a few days and I'd get in the door from work, and there they are watching TV.

So, remove that element from the equation and when punishments are ever issued by me when they are with me, they are upheld.

so, they are well behaved with me becasue they know I will follow through and also because I don't have to yell and scream to get my point across and they respect that.

That said, she does need to find 'quieter' ways to display her displeasure with them, but at the same time, conflicting because they are displeased with her over what happend to our family. I think we will be adding family counciling to the mix as well if this doesn't change. I have often suggested counseling for them, and she agreed, but never followed through. Hopefully we can get to church this weekend and that will be a start.

[Goodfight]

DD, I do know how your wife feels though. Even though mine are 19 and 13 all they do is argue and it is very stressful. They also listened to my H and I'm losing control of them every day more and more without him. I think the man in the family does have more control, I wish it wasn't like that but it is.

I wish I could get my H involved but he wants nothing to do with any problems. And offers no help what so ever. Mish is right as far as not being stressed all the time about the boys. Take it from me.

[mishka422]

Family counseling would be excellent for you all. You said she didn't follow through.....why didn't you? Time to take control, get everyone to where they need to be. If this is what you want, take control of the situation. She seems like she's waiting for you to take all the initiative. Has she always been that way? Sit back and wait for someone else to do it for her? If so, now is probably not the time to try to change that. Work through it in counseling, a safe environment where there is a neutral party.

Lack of commitment to discipline is what happens with most out of control kids. I know that when Marc was younger I had a tough time with follow through. Not because I didn't want to discipline him, but because I would enact a punishment without thinking it through fully and then would realize that I had just punished myself as well.

For instance - no TV until midterms? Um....wouldn't that mean no TV for you all then? How's that workin' for ya? You're grounded for 2 months? Ok, so that means no break time for you guys because they can't go to friend's houses.

Something I learned through my counselor that has been working like a wonder for Marc -

Last Saturday Marc went to a friend's house. I told him that he was to call me within 15 minutes of getting there to advise of his plans (i.e. - how long he was to be there, if they were bringing him home or I was picking him up). I was very specific about this and gave him my reason - I had plans all afternoon and evening and there would be a very tight time frame that I could pick him up in. So, following my C's suggestions, I gave him a timeframe, gave him my reasons for the timeframe to back up that I'm not just being controling. Then I advised him of the consequence in advance if I did not hear from him in 15 minutes. He would be grounded from going to anyone's house or having anyone over for 2 months. 2 months is a LONG time for anyone, let alone a teenager who is developing social connections. He knew the consequence, he did not call within 15 minutes. He didn't call within 30 minutes. I called him. He didn't answer the first time. The second time he answered, gave me a song and dance about just finding out what the plan was. Too bad, he knew what he had to do. 15 minutes was up, he was grounded when he got home. He was MAD! Too bad. One day later I enacted the 2nd part of the C's suggestion. Now, give him the chance to earn back time from his grounding. For every day that he does all of his chores without having to be told to do them, he earns one day off his restriction. If I ask him to do something extra and he does it without being reminded or pushed to do it, he earns 2 days off. See how that works? So far, he has earned back 3 days. 3 days out of 4 this week? It's a record!!! Incentive! But incentive that matters to him and that is earned gradually by showing responsibility.

WORKS FABULOUSLY!!!

[dday101798]

lol,

Well, no TV always flew just fine for me, I rarely ever watch any.

She has always been that way. I was always the disciplinarian. But then she'd not uphold the discipline laid out and that just muddled things up quite often.

I have very seldomly interveined with discipline problems on "her time" during all this. Last night was especially the first in 'her house'. I did let her deal with it for quite a bit unitl I could no longer take the level of disrespect and the fact there was physical violence from S12 on S11 and S11 was seemingly coming very close to calling his mother the 'b' word.

My intervention was short and sweet, reminding them to use more of their ears and less of their mouth, and this is their mother addressing them.

I am not going to go full tilt take control of the situation. That phases into the whole 'adjustment period' for them as (x)W and I work to reconcille and put our family back together.

I also like the fact that I don't have to get all riled up and loud when they are with me, and that will continue through and beyond the transition and creation of a new R together for all of us. I didn't like the father I was before, and I don't ever want to be that person again.

I will suggest to (x)W that she be a bit less violent in her tone with them and surely to use language more suitable for children of their ages. I have never cared for how she speaks when she gets upset. I swear, at times when she's really goin' and spewing out her displeasure, truckers stop at the nearest church and rinse their ears with holy water.

[dday101798]

Oh on your punish but reward system, I know it works, I have a similar one in effect now.

The boys would constantly fight over time on the computer by me (no computer at (x)W's). So, to curb the fighting, the open availability to the computer was cut off as well as the ability of what they can and can not do on the computer by way of creating a time and access restricted account.

So, if they want to use the computer outside of the prescribed time frame, they'd have to go through me and the master log in. If they've been acting up, they know the answer would be 'why should I let you use it when you've been acting this way?'. And let the moaning and butt-kissing begin.

[dday101798]

Another peak in the emotional ride of the week:

Thanks and gratitude.

I am very thankful to all those who helped me through the most horrific time in my life. Lord only knows where I'd turn up otherwise.

But I am most of all thankful for my (x)W. For continuing to love me, and to chose to be together again.



That brings me to an interesting question:

What the heck to properly call her? XW (ex-wife) sounds so cold and distaned, hence why I use (x)W. Can't say 'girlfriend'. heh?