Lying about feelings drags you to their level?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, except that "failure to control" rarely stops a controlling person from continuing to try. It's a straw man.

(Or is it a red herring? I always get those two mixed up . . .)

[CityGirl]

You said you and your H communicated often about cheating and how against it you both were, right? When you thought he was on the same page as you (anti-cheating) you didn't feel the need to control him. Now that trust is breached you DO feel the need to control him, it's very obvious and really quite normal. But it is not helping your healing.

[knittedscarff]

ps - maybe the wording of how he lied will help.

He sent me an email this wkend, and he said that he was holding up pretty good and that he hadn't been upset around the girls; they don't need to see him hurting.

My daughter told me that he cried in front of them and was pretty sad.

Why lie about that?

If he's sad, there's no reason to hide it. He knows that I am devestated by this. I'm not acting uppity about it; I'm being honest about what infidelity did to our marriage.

I don't have a black and white view of the world. You get gross food at a restaurant and tell the waitress you liked it. We all do a little lying.

But when it comes to our kids, it's like this type of lying is just undermining the co-parenting situation we will plan. It seems like a slippery slope.

[CityGirl]

And how do you know your daughter isn't the one lying?

You do know children can be *very* manipulative during a divorce, right?

And if you are SO concerned about his ability to co-parent why are you not being more aggressive with family counseling that focuses on CO-PARENTING only?

[knittedscarff]

And how do you know your daughter isn't the one lying?

You do know children can be *very* manipulative during a divorce, right?

Wow, just wow. I believe my daughter bc she said it was during the night-time prayers with daddy that he started crying. Of course kids lie, but not about God and prayers. Even they get that lying about that is a big no-no.

I don't want this thread to be about my situation though. That's why I made my own link.

I was wondering if people feel that when they lie about how good they are doing with their partner (who may or may not want to reconcile) adds to the building or demise of the relationship.

Does lying work and if so, why do you think it did. Or if it didn't, do you wish you were more honest?

[SpyBunny]

Could be a difference in definition/interpretation of the term crying- quiet teary-eyed vs. bawling.

Also, if true- he may not have realized he was noticed and thought he did a better job of hiding being upset, and is therefore, maybe not lying.

There are a bunch of different ways this event could have transpired- let it go. Let him feel and handle his emotions in the best way for him, because it really doesn't matter what you think he should do.

[CityGirl]

Wow, what?

Have you actually taken the time to read any threads on here where children were involved. The pitching of fits, the "mommy and daddy are so sad so lets include them" tactics young children use. Do I think kids sit up at night thinking of ways to lie to get their parents back together? No, I do no. But most kids want more than anything to have their family in tact and when it falls apart they will do anything to try and "fix it".

Prayer can be a very spiritual experience so what exactly is so wrong with somebody being moved enough to cry during prayer? How is THAT wrong. The emotion one can feel during prayer should not be used against them. I suppose you could ask your H if he feels so deeply moved during prayer that he cries to have him pray alone so it doesn't upset the children. Wouldn't that be more reasonable then just say "welp, he is lying AGAIN"?

I didn't lie to my H about a THING. NOT ONE. He knew my feelings on the matter and he could not have been more cruel and abusive about it. My ONLY choice was to take care of me... and yes, while I don't have cancer I *do* have an incurable disease so I HAD to be positive as I sure as sh*t was NOT losing my kidneys over my H.

Any other questions?

[Coach]

But I feel like he's trying to "fake it til he makes it." It's humiliating.

You are thinking for him!? You think he should be humiliated for how he is acting?

Even when he was in the affair, I sensed something was really wrong, but I didn't want to admit it to myself or him that I knew something very wrong.

So were you a liar when you masked your feelings? Why would he want you back if you can't be honest and upfront? You knew there was a problem but didn't act on it.

I'm seeking to understand the script of people who say that they are feeling better than they are. But trying to PRETEND that he is strong instead of just being upset seems to be working against his getting better.

I think he is incredibly strong to even ask you for forgiveness. You discount the possibility that he has been "getting better." Read on here on how hard it is for a WAS in a A to admit guilt and ask for a second chance. That is a man who has done some soul-searching and realises how important his wife, marriage and family is to him.

He is not you. He will handle it the best way he can. Understand he is hurting, his world has crashed, his wife has left him because of his mistake, his family is getting ripped apart, he can do nothing to fix it and you think he is pretending. This is very real to him. It probably takes all his strength to get off the floor sometimes. Put yourself in his shoes. Look at your situation like you are looking from the outside into a fishbowl - what do you see?

[TrentC]

And think about it, if I were really a controlling person, you'd think I'd use my wondertwin powers to activate and prevented him from cheating. Seems like I fail as a controlling wife, eh?

That's the part that gets to you, doesn't it? That he did something and kept it from you. That he has hidden things from you, and continues to hide things from you.

You say that you should have taught him to stand on his own two feet a long time ago -- bringing up the example of the email you wrote for him -- but you also seem to resent that he has his own mind about things. That can be frustrating.

You said that up until two years go, you and he agreed that sex outside the marriage was a deal-breaker. What happened two years ago?

Let's take a ride on the make-believe train...

Maybe as he got older and grew more comfortable in the relationship, his attitudes about such things mellowed. Maybe he it wasn't for selfish reasons, like he was planning an affair; maybe he just came to believe as many of us do -- that there are shades of grey in every situation, and people sometimes do things out of fear or pain or loneliness that they end up regretting.

But he couldn't talk to you about it, because you were (and are) vehemently opposed to adultery. He was worried that you might think he was up to something. But it's no big deal, right? He's not planning to go anywhere, so he'll just keep it to himself.

Then he meets the OW. You haven't said much about her, so we'll assume she's a co-worker or some other acquaintance. They get to talking one day and somehow the subject or adultery comes up. She feels like most of us do, and he thinks "Wow! Not every woman is as rigid in her thinking as knittedscarf!" So he tells her how he used to believe as you did, but as time wore on, he realized it wasn't as big of a deal.

That can be all it needs to start towards an affair; he starts feeling closer to her than he does to you. It's all a lie, of course; the "love chemicals" bubbling in his head makes it feel like the rush of new love. But it's not genuine, and it doesn't last.

[TrentC]

Yeah, except that "failure to control" rarely stops a controlling person from continuing to try. It's a straw man.

(Or is it a red herring? I always get those two mixed up . . .)

How about a "cheeseless tunnel"?