Thanks Puppy. The above is just my sense of humor coming through.
On transperancy, I get what you are saying. My natural inclination is to permit her to offer enough times, then, I take her up on it in a way that has not been offered. Her facial expression will tell me what I need to know. I think of it as part of keeping a weathered eye.
In any event, I need to exhibit more self control in letting her see if it is bothering me. If I am struggling, then she will feel guilt or shame and associate those feelings with me, not her. Coach said step one is to get rid of the negative emotions on both sides. This is where I need to do some work. I will get better at this.
Also, regarding her offer of info vs. your NEED to see it right now... (I'd be interested in Puppy's opinion, especially since I have ZERO experience/knowledge here...)
Do you think it helps in some kind of re-attraction/re-introduction to your life together to not require this info, when offered, because, there will come many times that you want MORE info, and will be easier to request/require from her.
Just sound out-loud thinkin'...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think you are articulating quite well what I am feeling. Not overtly obsessing over the A, makes me look more confident and less needy. In some ways it makes me a stronger person. Now, the other night, she was able to detect I had some anxiety. But I didn't cover it up. "Yep, thats what I'm thinking about, but its my problem to deal with." This is the theory anyway. Her response was interesting. Although edgy, there was a glimmer of humanity in it.
There may come a time when I want more information, but now I think it would get in the way of reconnecting.
Of course, I am always open to and welcome input and different opinions.
Also, regarding her offer of info vs. your NEED to see it right now... (I'd be interested in Puppy's opinion, especially since I have ZERO experience/knowledge here...)
Do you think it helps in some kind of re-attraction/re-introduction to your life together to not require this info, when offered, because, there will come many times that you want MORE info, and will be easier to request/require from her.
Just sound out-loud thinkin'...
You mean, like do you get some sort of "credit" for being peaceful and supplicating, so that later, they'll take you seriously?
Dunno. How's it workin' for Obama? Are the Iranians (and N. Korea, and Venezuela, and Yemen, and Libya, and Syria, and Russia, and . . . ) taking us seriously now? Have they made ANY concessions whatsoever?
Hmmm, didn't think so.
Appeasement doesn't work. It only projects WEAKNESS, and weakness ain't attractive.
I think you are articulating quite well what I am feeling. Not overtly obsessing over the A, makes me look more confident and less needy. In some ways it makes me a stronger person. Now, the other night, she was able to detect I had some anxiety. But I didn't cover it up. "Yep, thats what I'm thinking about, but its my problem to deal with." This is the theory anyway. Her response was interesting. Although edgy, there was a glimmer of humanity in it.
There may come a time when I want more information, but now I think it would get in the way of reconnecting.
Of course, I am always open to and welcome input and different opinions.
I might . . . MIGHT . . . be able to agree with this, IF you could tell me with reasonable certainty that this is how it was coming across to HER.
HOWEVER, if your past history with her was one of Mr. Nice Guydom, and especially if your post-bomb stance toward her was less than full-strength, I'm willing to bet the ranch that SHE sees it as "weakness and fear," and not "confident and less needy."
I personally would rather raise the "strength" bar real high, and then occasionally throw a "soft" bone. Now THAT, you get tons o' "points" for.
Dunno. How's it workin' for Obama? Are the Iranians (and N. Korea, and Venezuela, and Yemen, and Libya, and Syria, and Russia, and . . . ) taking us seriously now? Have they made ANY concessions whatsoever?
Sorry, Wonderful, I'm not making light of your situation... But, this gave me a serious belly LOL!
Puppy has a point. A good one, too.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
You mean, like do you get some sort of "credit" for being peaceful and supplicating, so that later, they'll take you seriously?
Puppy [/quote]
I see your point. But I am not looking for credit from her. She knows that. Peace at any price will not work. I have learned the lesson of Munich. I have asserted a boundry and she is clear that I will enforce it.
She has gone through the worst of the withdrawal phase. She was aweful over Christmas, filed with venom and rage toward me. Now, she is a bit less foggy and showing interest in me and our marriage.
Oh, she has also acknowledged on a number of occassions that I seem so much more confident that I had been. When my confidence is a threat to her she refers to it as arrogance. She sees it.
I have asserted a boundry and she is clear that I will enforce it.
This is what I'm challenging. I don't think she is clear at all, because I don't think YOU are being clear, at all.
Remember the issue at hand: transparency. You have asked for it, now she has offered it, and you think, instead of taking her up on it, it will make you look "confident and less needy" if you don't see the need to.
