Dusk at Dawn.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I dropped the rope to ladybug. Not myself. I am still pondering those thoughts.

I only got a "B-" in DB catechism class, but I'm unaware that there's any distinction. "Dropping the Rope" -- like GALing -- is done for ONESELF, not for the wayward/walkaway spouse, and it must be GENUINE.

If you haven't dropped it yourself, then I would submit that you haven't dropped it.

And this:

No anger. No fear. I don't know. I do not hide the hurt and disappointment. I just felt it was time to let ladybug know that she no longer has control over me.

I'm quite sure that that's your INTENTION, and your PERCEPTION of your situation. But sometimes (usually? always???) we are too close to our own sitches to see clearly. I am only pointing out what jumped out at me -- some of your posts seethe with anger, just below their surface.

Dunno. Maybe I'm the only one. But I'm guessing that your wife probably senses the same thing (I'm just a DAM, and really not all that intuitive).

Also, it's kind of a "methinks thou doth protest too greatly" thing. If one says, over and over, "YOU DON'T CONTROL ME . . . YOU DON'T CONTROL ME . . .I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU, YOU DON'T CONTROL ME . . .", then they kinda still control you, kwim??

Puppy

[chatterbug]

I dropped the rope to ladybug. Not myself. I am still pondering those thoughts.

I only got a "B-" in DB catechism class, but I'm unaware that there's any distinction. "Dropping the Rope" -- like GALing -- is done for ONESELF, not for the wayward/walkaway spouse, and it must be GENUINE.

If you haven't dropped it yourself, then I would submit that you haven't dropped it.
[b][/b]
And this:

No anger. No fear. I don't know. I do not hide the hurt and disappointment. I just felt it was time to let ladybug know that she no longer has control over me.

I'm quite sure that that's your INTENTION, and your PERCEPTION of your situation. But sometimes (usually? always???) we are too close to our own sitches to see clearly. I am only pointing out what jumped out at me -- some of your posts seethe with anger, just below their surface.

Dunno. Maybe I'm the only one. But I'm guessing that your wife probably senses the same thing (I'm just a DAM, and really not all that intuitive).

Also, it's kind of a "methinks thou doth protest too greatly" thing. If one says, over and over, "YOU DON'T CONTROL ME . . . YOU DON'T CONTROL ME . . .I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU, YOU DON'T CONTROL ME . . .", then they kinda still control you, kwim??

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. I think your right. I think I may have got caught up here in everything from the xmas break. I do feel something has changed. I am just beginning to process those thoughts. It is good to get your point of view on it. And I agree with you when you say. Too close to our own stitch to see clearly.

I do hope there is not anger all over this. I do not feel it. But I will watch myself and I hope my DB friends will keep an eye on me. I have never been an angry person. So its an emotion that I do not fully understand.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I do hope there is not anger all over this. I do not feel it. But I will watch myself and I hope my DB friends will keep an eye on me. I have never been an angry person. So its an emotion that I do not fully understand.

Cutter, let me reiterate: THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING ANGRY, EVEN AT THIS POINT. It's healthy. We all process our sitches, and our pain, at different speeds, and there is no "right" speed.

I'm just trying to encourage you not to make major decisions yet at this stage, and also trying to give you my outside perspective maybe on just what stage you ARE at, so that you can proceed accordingly.

Others who have followed your sitch more closely may disagree.

Puppy

[avermont]

Wow, cutter. I'm so sorry I missed all these posts as I wallowed in newcomers.

You have made such a journey thru the holidays and now this big convo with ladybug. Take time to think, reflect, process. Not that you haven't spent 7 lousy months doing that--- but you are making major strides here. Indifference equals detachment, I think.

I'm so glad that you made such progress so fast. It does suck to spend so
much time thinking about the sitch. I am so looking to find anything else to think about. The Mets, the weather, price of coal...anything.

I will keep checking on your thread here.

[mindfull]

Hey, Cutter!!!

I understand the ups and downs, etc... but, you're way too cool to play the brooding dude w/an accent role.

How about a FUN CD???

[P17]

Thanks Puppy. I think your right. I think I may have got caught up here in everything from the xmas break. I do feel something has changed. I am just beginning to process those thoughts.

I find that when I think something has changed I see it as a cog - it's just clicked round one more 'spoke'. Nothing has actually changed - I still feel the feelings I have etc. - but I feel one step closer to whatever the final outcome for me is.

I don't really process my thoughts anymore since I discovered the 'cog'. I just let them come to me when the mind has worked it out. Processing them takes way too much emotional time up!

I do hope there is not anger all over this. I do not feel it. But I will watch myself and I hope my DB friends will keep an eye on me. I have never been an angry person. So its an emotion that I do not fully understand.

Cutter, I have to be honest, I do see emotion over this. But I see it more as resentment than anger. That is natural too (I still have it - do we ever lose it?).

[chatterbug]

P. I have the resentment still. Only forgiveness to her will resolve that. Or it just fades away.

Betrayal + unrepentanting = resentment

Honesty + repenting + Transparent + owning your own [censored] = forgiveness

resentment /(resentment * time) = acceptance

Which one wins?

Forgiveness or acceptance

Both are time based.

If you break the D then you have a chance for both.

Most likely it will be one or the other.


Well lucky we can forgive ourselves.

[P17]

Betrayal + unrepentanting = resentment

You know that she won't repent until the A is over though so that equation isn't relevant just now.

Honesty + repenting + Transparent + owning your own [censored] = forgiveness

Once the A is over again.

resentment /(resentment * time) = acceptance
Which one wins?

At the moment only the last one is valid because the A is ongoing.

Forgiveness or acceptance

IMO, you can't have forgiveness until you have acceptance. You can't forgive something you can't accept ...

Well lucky we can forgive ourselves.

We've had a lot of time and soul searching though. They haven't.

[chatterbug]

Hey, Cutter!!!

I understand the ups and downs, etc... but, you're way too cool to play the brooding dude w/an accent role.

How about a FUN CD???

Deal.

I will talk to you on the alt... and send you a copy

[newmama]

Cutter, what a revenge CD? nooo--only joking (kind of) but I would be interested in seeing song list for the happy CD!

and although I agree with PDT about not making decisions out of anger, I agree with P17 that it hasn't seemed like you've done that over the last couple of months. oh--except possibly anger motivated you to go NC in the beginning???