I didn't post this question to get advice on my situation; that's why I posted my own thread and am taking steps to heal from infidelity.
For almost 2 months after I found out about the affiar, I thought and thought that maybe I could make peace with it and we go to counseling and save our family. But when I am deeply honest with myself, I know that cheating is a dealbreaker. I don't get why there's the assumption that I can't forgive my husband for his affair. That's why I'm in counseling, to help forgive what happened. But forgiveness is not the same as reconcilliation.
What I was I wanted to know was other people's opinions, if they felt the same way or didn't. This is a general thread, not a specific one. The reason I'm asking is bc I see so much advice to other people who are suffering in their marriages, that I wonder if the advice being given here is CONTRIBUTING not SOLVING relationship problems.
Let me ask again and I hope that it makes more sense.
When you act contrary to your natural emotions, such as telling your cheating spouse that you are NOT hurting or want them back, when you lie about how busy your weekend was even if you sat at home with you and the kitties, you're just lying as surely as that other person they had the affair with was "just a friend."
For example, my stbx and I were friends with a couple who later got a divorce. The wife cheated and left, and he wanted her back. I don't know if he came to this site or others, but on more than one occasion, he asked us to tell his wife that we went to a concert together when really he stayed at home being depressed. It happened several times. We both asked him why and he said that he wanted his wife to think he wasn't as pathetic as he was, staying at home numbing himself through video games and booze.
It was years later that she told us that she knew he was lying about "Getting a life" and that it was one of the reasons that drove her away. If he had been honest, she might have still never come back, but she has so much less respect for him since he couldn't just be honest.
But I'm not interested in my own story. I'm asking bc it is so heartbreaking to see people lie about their relationships. It's like the lying from the cheating spouse is the norm, and infects the spouse with a dose of lies too.
That is, to me it seems that if people follow some of the advice of masking their feelings, that even their spouse all of sudden came back, the spouse would have a misconception of the pain. It's like a lie you can never escape.
I understand you are wanting a general discussion to take place but I think (and this is simply my opinion) general patterns happen when you consider the scope of ALL relationships but things are still "situational".
Like you said cheating is a deal breaker for you. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. It is the ultimate act of betrayal on many, many levels. It stirs up anger and other emotions in a way many of us did not know could even exist in the human mind.
I guess I am puzzled because you said cheating was a deal breaker (again, I don't think anybody would fault you for taking that stance) and you feel your only option is divorce. If that is the case then why are you still talking about "lying" in a relationship. You have NO relationship anymore since you feel it is not possible to reconcile or mend anything.
If you say it is over (again, nothing wrong with that, we all have our limits) then your R in entirety is OVER so why does it matter to you what your soon to be EX-husband does or does not do?
Some people have to hit rock bottom in order to improve. It seems to me (and pardon me if I am way off base) you think your husband NOT sharing his most private feelings (EX: crying at home) is lying. You think the worst of him right now and that is understandable. Trust me, I have had thoughts about my H that would land me in jail if I ever verbalized them. Perhaps he knows he did horribly wrong and while he doesn't want to be divorced he is accepting your decision and trying not to make things worse for you.
Let me ask again and I hope that it makes more sense.
When you act contrary to your natural emotions, such as telling your cheating spouse that you are NOT hurting or want them back, when you lie about how busy your weekend was even if you sat at home with you and the kitties, you're just lying as surely as that other person they had the affair with was "just a friend."
For example, my stbx and I were friends with a couple who later got a divorce. The wife cheated and left, and he wanted her back. I don't know if he came to this site or others, but on more than one occasion, he asked us to tell his wife that we went to a concert together when really he stayed at home being depressed. It happened several times. We both asked him why and he said that he wanted his wife to think he wasn't as pathetic as he was, staying at home numbing himself through video games and booze.
It was years later that she told us that she knew he was lying about "Getting a life" and that it was one of the reasons that drove her away. If he had been honest, she might have still never come back, but she has so much less respect for him since he couldn't just be honest.
Sorry, but I don't see a question in there anywhere?
Yet you refuse the answer the main question YOU have been asked: if you don't want to try to save your marriage, then why are you here? To validate your anger?
KS, you're being accused of not being willing to forgive because you SAID you couldn't forgive. I have neither the time nor the inclination to go find where you posted it, but I'm certain you did. Maybe someone else can find it.
Again, I think you'd be better served by a "divorce support" website. You say you want to "heal from infidelity," and yet your mind seems closed to those who are suggesting to you that FORGIVENESS is the best way to do so.
And honestly, the example you posted about your friends and their divorce make them both sound incredibly immature and divorce was probably best for them.
Involving friends is very "high school". If one spouse is so easily "driven" away by behavior he/she cannot control (that is the behavior of another) then she probably didn't have the "goods" to make it in a marriage anyways.
If you say it is over (again, nothing wrong with that, we all have our limits) then your R in entirety is OVER so why does it matter to you what your soon to be EX-husband does or does not do?
It seems to me that Knitted is still trying to control him. She doesn't get to have the right to tell her STBX how he gets to feel about all of this. His emotions -- and actions -- are his and his alone, and while you can try to place boundaries on them, when they affect YOU, when you're in a relationship, as you point out CG she is no longer IN that relationship.
I'm going to take a wild-ass guess, and suggest that if her husband were to give his side of the story (and I'm NOT condoning his adultery!), he would tell us that this type of controlling behavior, and unbending, unforgiving attitude, were two of his prior marital complaints. I could be wrong.
The reason I'm asking about the lying is, yes, I no longer have a relationship with my husband as a partner. But, and I see it for the better, I will be in a relationship with him as a co-parent for the rest of my life because of our precious girls.
I'm not asking these questions to help him. I'm trying to find how people react to help me; the only person I can heal is myself. But I feel like he's trying to "fake it til he makes it." It's humiliating.
We were married a long time. We have kids. Even when he was in the affair, I sensed something was really wrong, but I didn't want to admit it to myself or him that I knew something very wrong.
I'm trying to listen to and respect other people's stories, as they might be similar to my husbands. Just as all wayward spouses seem to follow a "script" of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "she/he's just a friend" or "I don't know what you mean you're upset by all these texts on my phone." I'm seeking to understand the script of people who say that they are feeling better than they are. But trying to PRETEND that he is strong instead of just being upset seems to be working against his getting better.
The longer he pretends this, the longer it will be before he seeks the help he needs. In the meantime, our kids hurt. I'm asking here bc in three weeks we are meeting with a mediator, and I want to be able to understand his actions (the 'script').
Okay, well, remove ALL the emotion out of it and think of some random life event that is *very* difficult.
What if you were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow (and please pardon me for using such a grave example). You would go through a TON of emotions... fear, facing your own mortality, physical pain and so on. There are millions of studies that show terminally ill people survive longer when they have a positive outlook on their situation no matter how awful it is.
That is not to say a terminally ill patient is delusional about the state of their health but negativity won't fix it. And maybe being positive won't "fix" cancer either but when you are in the fight of your life with numbered days how would you want to spend that precious time?
You wanting to understand his actions is natural but it will be a fruitless quest. Acceptance goes both ways. You will eventually have to accept you have NO control over how he acts and you never will fully understand it all.
And the relationship of co-parents is MUCH different than a husband/wife R.
Just as all wayward spouses seem to follow a "script" of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "she/he's just a friend" or "I don't know what you mean you're upset by all these texts on my phone." I'm seeking to understand the script of people who say that they are feeling better than they are. But trying to PRETEND that he is strong instead of just being upset seems to be working against his getting better.
It is no longer your job to make him get better. That's his job, and he's doing it, we assume, in the best way he knows how right now.
Why do you still feel it's your place to "teach" him how to best heal and move on?
KS, I am as virulently "anti-adultery" as ANY poster on these boards, and have a 10,000 posts body of work to prove it. I detest affairs. But there comes a point where "affair-busting" just turns into "stbx-skullbusting."
The question you seem to be asking is if its OK to lie about your emotions. That's kind of black or white thinking but lets go with it.
What would you think of your H if tomorrow he came by you house and cried saying he can't live without you? Then he added that his life is no longer worth living and he would do anything you ever asked if you would stay. Now let's say he comes back the next day and repeats this behavior. How about he continues this for a week? A month? A year?
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I'm going to take a wild-ass guess, and suggest that if her husband were to give his side of the story (and I'm NOT condoning his adultery!), he would tell us that this type of controlling behavior, and unbending, unforgiving attitude, were two of his prior marital complaints. I could be wrong.
Puppy
Depending on the day you talk to my stbx, you'd be absolutely right or he would want to punch you in the stomach saying that I'm the woman he loves or he might say that he has no feelings about us at all.
Catch me any given day and I might say that my husband is a POS who cheated and risked our lives from unprotected sex or another time when I would say that my stbx is a great dad and I have to tell you about how good he is with the girls.
In any case, all of those would be problems bc it makes one of us the good person and the other one the bad person. The thing is, it's not a binary situation. He's not a monster, I'm not a monster. We are just an average couple who had a marriage that failed.
And think about it, if I were really a controlling person, you'd think I'd use my wondertwin powers to activate and prevented him from cheating. Seems like I fail as a controlling wife, eh?
