I was curious when I just saw your thread; I haven't been here much lately. I admit, I only read this last post of yours but I'm curious, why did you barrel past the following?
Quote:
And then she mentioned that she's been going to personal counselling for her issues and she wants me to come there, I asked why, she said it would be easier to tell me things in that environment.
Why not go in where she feels safe being honest with you if that is really what you want?
You do come off as sooo paternal and self-righteous. If I were her I'd want some hope of equanimity before I even considered moving further but I get where you're at. You have the upper hand and you know your bottom line.
I'm interested to see your response.
Hey AAK, thanks for dropping by. I possibly forgot to add a comment to that post when I made it, I did agree to go to a few of her sessions, I told her to give me some notice ahead of time so that I could schedule the time off work to make the appointments and she was pretty happy that I agreed. I agree with you AAK, I can sense that she needs that environment to open up and reveal the truth about what happened.
I'm not a totally insensitive brute, just 98.9% insensitive, the remaining amount of me is just uber sensitive ;-)
"..You do come off as sooo paternal and self-righteous."
I wasn't like this originally, in fact I was actually quite the opposite. I was the doormat, the wuss, the one who never rocked the boat, the person with low value, low self-esteem, never took care of himself, worried about everyone else hoping that someone would turn around and take care of me and then complained internally to myself "what about me?", I had no self-respect, I let people take advantage of me and use me even when I didn't like it, I still allowed it, I couldn't say NO and since I couldn't respect myself, how could others respect me?
So yeah, I went from one extreme to the other, I will add that I only experienced positive results in my situation when I did this though, I became opposite of who I was originally: instead of weak and ineffectual, I became strong, confident (sometimes arrogant) but I think sometimes you have to experience both extremes before you finally find that balance of where you really need to be. For what it's worth, it has served me well - I'm much happier with the person I am now vs. the person I was several years ago, this transformation was a requirement regardless of the outcome of my marital relationship.
And yes I can tell she's searching for hope with me, that she won't be hated forever and I won't hold it against her forever once she reveals these "secrets".
"Hey Rob. I have been thinking about your situation and I wish I had a big band-aid to make your boo-boo all better and one of those feel good all over blankies you could wrap around yourself, cause everything is going to be OK.
But I dont, so I baked you some cookies and grandma wants to give you a kissy kissy and make it all better, cause you are a good man and everything is going to be OK.
You are smart and I am sure you know, but just to reiterate, give them space and time and everything is going to be OK.
Remember its all about them and believe only half of what they say and none of what they do or is it none of what they say and half of what they do. Oh, damn just rub their feet and everything is going to be OK."
LOL- I'm loving this- SMQ- I've only been privy to a few of your posts- but you seem to have this s*&t down. ROBX- your change in demeanor is something I'd be interested in- what did you use to accomplish this (resources) or was it just sheer motivation, anger and some guidance?
I didn't realize that it was my thread that gave you your reputation. I wish I could give you some advice, but I really don't have much to add. I really liked Gucci's post and I think your W really wants to work things out; she just really doesn't know how.
I watched "An Emotional Life" these past few nights (a mini-series on PBS). I would suggest it for anyone on this forum. Anyway, they mentioned how adaptable the human brain is, that it can physically change to handle just about any situation. However, the adaptation only occurs as a last resort. It does not begin until there is no other way out of the crisis. I think that is what Gucci was getting at. She must change, and humans tend to change only when there is no other way out. But think carefully before giving up on her completely. I read (and don't remember where) that most divorced couple's say, in retrospect, that they wished they would have worked harder on their marriage.
I wish you the best and will be hoping that your W opens up to you. That, at least, will give your marriage a fighting chance.
-T
Tristan no worries about the reputation, it's all good, I never took it personally. I especially enjoyed commenting on your thread because of a few similarities I saw between you & myself and I'm glad to hear things are moving in a positive direction with you.
That program that you watched about the human brain and how it's able to change & adapt to situations but like we've mentioned it on this forum a million times, people only change when they have to, unless they're forced to, unless they are presented with a fear of loss - with nothing to lose, why would people have to change, why would they want to voluntarily, most people wouldn't - that's just how human beings are made, we're made to adapt to our environments and we then we pretty much settle & exist until something new is presented in our existing environments that we either want to have badly or don't want to lose.
"Hey Rob. I have been thinking about your situation and I wish I had a big band-aid to make your boo-boo all better and one of those feel good all over blankies you could wrap around yourself, cause everything is going to be OK.
But I dont, so I baked you some cookies and grandma wants to give you a kissy kissy and make it all better, cause you are a good man and everything is going to be OK.
You are smart and I am sure you know, but just to reiterate, give them space and time and everything is going to be OK.
Remember its all about them and believe only half of what they say and none of what they do or is it none of what they say and half of what they do. Oh, damn just rub their feet and everything is going to be OK."
Can I pull that attitude off or is just not me?
Love it! Steve, you are "my brutha from anutha mutha!" - would you like a platonic foot rub LOL!
LOL- I'm loving this- SMQ- I've only been privy to a few of your posts- but you seem to have this s*&t down. ROBX- your change in demeanor is something I'd be interested in- what did you use to accomplish this (resources) or was it just sheer motivation, anger and some guidance?
Thanks
I can't speak for anyone else but several months into the beginning of my situation while I was kissing her ass, watching the kids while she went out in the evenings to have fun with her friends and "find herself" and supplicating my wife with gifts, restaurant dinners and great attitude and behavior while she pretty much treated me like $hit, a switch finally flipped in my head (and no I'm not a robot) that said
"I'm never going to be good enough for her regardless of what I do and I'm sick of the way she treats me, I'M DONE!"
That was it.
I moved in the opposite direction.
Stopped with the gift giving, stopped being a wuss, started standing up for myself and standing up to her. It shocked her, she became angry, violent, tried to regain her position of power with me but I had enough and wouldn't take this crap anymore, no marriage is worth sacrificing your self-respect, your self-esteem, your spirit, and I knew i was just training my kids to repeat the same horrible mistakes when they eventually grew up and had relationships/marriages of their own and I couldn't face the thought of my children going through this pain. My best friend (who incidentally happens to have a pretty good marriage) gave me a kick in the ass one day, told me he was sick of the way I was being treated by my wife and to stand up for myself, it was disgusting for him to see me disrespected by her the way she had been acting towards me.
Sometimes you need someone to shake you up, wake you up about what you're doing and where you're going.
Long story, short.... the first day I stood up for myself, the energy in my body was incredible, it was similar to being electrocuted I think, being so afraid to stand up for myself against her and then doing it for the first time was crazy. It was the day I told her I was moving back home to be with my kids and I told her I wanted her to move out, I didn't care anymore. A huge argument followed but I stood my ground and I limited her responses, i told her that this was my decision and no one was going to change my mind.
Long story, short.... the first day I stood up for myself, the energy in my body was incredible, it was similar to being electrocuted I think, being so afraid to stand up for myself against her and then doing it for the first time was crazy.
I felt this on monday night. A true standing up for myself. Thanks for putting it into words.
I will admit though Rob. I would not do all the things you have done afterwards.
But I am glad you are going to put a stop to the limbo. It is not fair for her, as it was not fair for you.
Perpetual Punishment Machine (PPM) needs to be put away.
Good on you for recognizing this and finally starting to deal with this issue.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
