Not discussing this with his wife, acting unilaterally -- THAT was wrong. No bones about it -- just plain wrong. And downright stupid and self-centered.
Your H needs to manage his own R with his father. You need to stay out of it, respect his boundaries as well as your own. This is for your sake as well as for his. But this boundary has a particularexception where his R with his father impacts you and the kids directly -- in this case, a family vacation.
I agree that his talking to you about things that have become all too irrelevant to the huge issue between the two of you (the stuff about his work) can be annoying and insensitive. But not talking to him in response was not the best path either. That's my old MO -- to clam up and internalize my anger instead of finding a healthy way to express it -- and that does not solve anything.
I hate to say it, but perhaps you need to consider canceling the trip. Not so much to call his bluff, but to be held hostage to his unreasonable and thoughtless decisions. I am going to say this again, if you two are going to ever work this out, you're going to need a good MC. Your H has such anger issues that he needs his own IC -- he needs to get a handle on these demons he's battling and not take it out on others, especially you, the one person who should be his ally. I see a soul in dire need of a spiritual life-preserver.
And this has all undoubtedly taken it's toll on you, Tal, as well. You need an objective person to talk to, a good solutions-focused IC, who can help you find a way to cope with the damage that your H has been causing your M. You have proven to have tons of patience and seem to have an almost limitless supply of it, but you're only human and eventually even you will reach the end of that rope. So you need to look for some form of therapy and a means to cope before that happens.
Mind you, three years ago I was one who misunderstood what an IC can do for one's psychological fortitude. I had always thought a psychologist or other spiritual counselor was for people who had "serious" issues, crazy even. I couldn't have been more wrong. My IC helped me find to understand the right path I needed to be on -- and he just let me do all the talking. He simply validated the right thoughts I expressed that would lead me forward positively, while getting me to question the notions that would have had negative results. But he left it in my hands.
I really hope and pray for you, my friend. Your H really needs help. And you need help because he needs help.
