Healing my Heart part 8

[fightingirish]

Thanks for the bump NC~

Nothing too crazy going on right now. S7 needs bifocals, he's being have so many headaches and I had his eyes checked and walla, his eyes don't focus from going to the board to the paper, so there you have it.

H has been ok. Actually been kinda moody, but I've been actually staying away from it, and just keeping my mind elsewhere, and its working so far.

I did book our disney trip, leaving next sat. for 10 days in port orleans resort. Im hoping it will be a good one, you just never know with H, although hes in need of a vacation too, lots of stress at work right now.

so that is about it, been so cold here, and Just hope fla warms up!!

[NoCodeBlues]

I really hope all of you have a great time at Disney. You deserve it. Perhaps you guys can get some of that much needed R & R.

[fightingirish]

Well I spoke to soon....Had a really bad night last night.

Little backround...

H's Father is a complete loser. H's parents got divorced about 8 years ago, his father has sexual addictive issues, and also was verball abusive to his kids while they were growing up (a long story). Anyways, They have always had a love/hate relationship, fighting then making up all the time. It would drive me crazy. I do think it got worse when H's brother got killed in a motorcyle accident when he was 18, but I he was still crazy before then.

So speed up to now, He lives in FLA, he's remarried, and i dont know if you all remember last year when he was with H and went out west with him to work and H burned his cornea's and im thinking he'll be ok, his father is out there... ya right.. the man never game him his meds, and H couldn't see to even know what was going on and could have blinded him for life.

I was about to scream!! So we severed ties with him yet again, that was summer of 08'. this year H's father has been sending the boys bday gifts and sent them something for Christmas... whatever I ignore it, becase this is typcial stuff from him, trying to get back into good graces. he apparently called H last night and he told him we were coming to disney, and guess what, H invites him to stay with us, THE WHOLE TIME. I just about died. I said what's going on? He said it was my father, I said yea, what did he want??

H: Not much
me: Did I hear you tell him about Disney?
H: yea, I told him he could come and stay with us?
me: Are you serious?
H: ya so what??
me: Just like that??
H: yea
me: Why would I want to spend our family vacation with him for 10 days in one room?
H: get over it
me: and where are the kids going to sleep??
H: they can sleep on the floor
me: Ah, No they are not sleeping on the floor, your son has asthma, he can't sleep on a rug.. what are you thinking??
H: He'll be fine
me: I am not spending 10 days with your father.
H: good now shutup or I will cancel the trip.


So that's how it went down. Didn't even ASK me if i would mind.. which im sure he would know the answer.. but I would maybe except 2 days or something, but the whole freaking time????? My input means nothing, I have no say on anything when it comes to his father, never have. He used to put him before me all the time.. and I guess things never change. This man has had nothing to do with my sons or us and just accepts him back yet again with no explaination!!

Did he stop to think how I would feel or the kids for that matter??? He really and truly has not regard for me at all... only that I give him sex whenever he wants it and takes care of his needs... other than that im just bascially a tagalong... and its feeling really bad

I was up all night just thinking and wishing that I would have some kind of wonderous thought on what the hell to do at this point. Im so sick and tired of feeling like an outsider in my own family, that my thoughts and opinions don't matter..

THEN... i get up, he's acting like everything is fine... WTF???? he tries to talk to me about one of his workers, I just ignored him. He's got to be kidding, im good enough to complain to about his workers, but nothing that is remotely signifficant.

I was thinking some really bad things last night, the anger in me is really getting worse. I think its because im not that 19 year old girl he could push around anymore, im 37 and NOT the same person anymore and im fed up with his selfish uncaring ways.

Yes here i am again, no way out. Hes got all of the control, and I have none. The only thing on my side is that i have parents that care about me. But i would never involved them in this unless it was my last resort.

S7 is in such a important part of his schooling, still struggling with language arts, what do I do pull him out in the middle and have him get comfortable with a new teacher an up root him. Take them out of their home?? I can't do it, as much as I would love a fresh start, I just can't do it to them.

They weren't around last night to hear us they were in bed. Although there was no yelling, but I also walked away instead of feeding his fire, im not going to do it anymore.

Im a commodity that can be replaced at any time, If he had to pick wether to save my life or someone else's, it wouldn't be mine and that is how im treated. Im only good enough for what he needs me for.

But my boys need me, and I will do whatever I have to, to make their lives go smoothly, and that might mean to swallow Sh**. Cause really what else can I do... he controls the money, the house etc. There's no where to go..

Im not looking for any fix it replies, I already know that im in a no win situation, I just had to vent this all out or I will lose my mind, and I have to be ok for my boys. Thank goodness he's at work today... but I have all wkend to look at his face UGH

[Hope4us]

TAL, You know what I think.

Seriously, you need to go see a lawyer and see what life would look like without him. Many lawyers will give you a free or really cheap consult without a retainer. DO IT.

H4U.

[fightingirish]

I just did, waiting for a response from one.

[Hope4us]

GOOD. At least you'll know where you stand.

I think after you talk with the attorney, you'll find out your options aren't as hopeless as you think.

And there's no way in hell I'd spend 10 nights in the same room at Disney with my mother or mother in law and we all get along great! Now if they had their own room, then maybe, but 10 nights! Uh....NO.

I'm glad you stood your ground.

[fightingirish]

just called me, cause i sent him a text that one of our clients has a check waiting for him.

Me: Yup
H: whats going on?
Me: nothing
H: oh so your just going to text me now?
me: Yup I don't feel like talking
H: whats the problem?
Me: you think its ok what you said to me last night?
H: I think you are being selfish.
Me: Selfish??? Is this our vacation or yours?? you didn't even ask me if I minded considering what he has done.
H: do you mind??
Me: little late for that... A couple days maybe not the whole time.
He: I didn't say the whole time.
Me: here we go, don't back petal, that's what you said.
H: after what you mom's does to you, what are you worried about.
me:Are you kidding??? My mother and father are there for bdays,holidays and everything in between.. your father sends a couple cards never calls and thats the same??Don't even compare them, My parents are involved yours could care less.
H: Im not dealing with this sh** Im tired of you.
Me: Yup, you have it so rough... let me tell you. You will always put him before me and make excuses for him.
H: he says im done, im cancelling the trip. and hung up.

So there you have it. He's going to cancel the trip and break my son's hearts.. but its all my fault, of course.

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((((Tal)))))))

Not discussing this with his wife, acting unilaterally -- THAT was wrong. No bones about it -- just plain wrong. And downright stupid and self-centered.

Your H needs to manage his own R with his father. You need to stay out of it, respect his boundaries as well as your own. This is for your sake as well as for his. But this boundary has a particularexception where his R with his father impacts you and the kids directly -- in this case, a family vacation.

I agree that his talking to you about things that have become all too irrelevant to the huge issue between the two of you (the stuff about his work) can be annoying and insensitive. But not talking to him in response was not the best path either. That's my old MO -- to clam up and internalize my anger instead of finding a healthy way to express it -- and that does not solve anything.

I hate to say it, but perhaps you need to consider canceling the trip. Not so much to call his bluff, but to be held hostage to his unreasonable and thoughtless decisions. I am going to say this again, if you two are going to ever work this out, you're going to need a good MC. Your H has such anger issues that he needs his own IC -- he needs to get a handle on these demons he's battling and not take it out on others, especially you, the one person who should be his ally. I see a soul in dire need of a spiritual life-preserver.

And this has all undoubtedly taken it's toll on you, Tal, as well. You need an objective person to talk to, a good solutions-focused IC, who can help you find a way to cope with the damage that your H has been causing your M. You have proven to have tons of patience and seem to have an almost limitless supply of it, but you're only human and eventually even you will reach the end of that rope. So you need to look for some form of therapy and a means to cope before that happens.

Mind you, three years ago I was one who misunderstood what an IC can do for one's psychological fortitude. I had always thought a psychologist or other spiritual counselor was for people who had "serious" issues, crazy even. I couldn't have been more wrong. My IC helped me find to understand the right path I needed to be on -- and he just let me do all the talking. He simply validated the right thoughts I expressed that would lead me forward positively, while getting me to question the notions that would have had negative results. But he left it in my hands.

I really hope and pray for you, my friend. Your H really needs help. And you need help because he needs help.

Hugs and blessings, always.

[fightingirish]

nc.. as you can see he's already cancelling the trip.. and surely will blame me because of it, ie: telling my sons its my fault.

*sigh*

[fightingirish]

NC~ I know what you mean about staying out of it with his father, normally I would, but not in this case like you said because its a family trip.

His father is toxic and to off-set his father's issues he tries to compare them to my mom, who will occassionaly do or say something that effects me and upsets me.. clearly she has her faults as do everyone else, but His father's issues are on a totally different level. Trust me, its not someone you want around your kids.

Case in point, is why my H has SOOO many issues, is because of his upbringing with his father AND Mother. They are both severely broken.

Can you even believe he just called me again... yup... to ask me to come up and meet with the comptroller to explain to us payment procedures (their payment was late)... I said your kidding right?? I said if you would have asked me early this morning I could have but you are 30 minutes away and S7 has to be picked up from school at 1:45 for a dentist appointment 45 minutes away... he says Oh I didn't know... when mind you I told him last night twice that he was going to get his baby tooth pulled...WTF??

He said fine then I'll get the check myself... (well ya that would be a good idea, considering he's at the job site and its a 2 second walk to the office to get the check!!!?!?!?)

Has no problem asking me for things.. this is what I mean... no matter what he dishes out to me..

then starts in again by telling me that he's sick of me blah blah blah.... Starts in about my mother .... I said me and mother's issues are trivial compared to you last summer almost losing your sight because you father couldn't be bothered listening to the dr. to help you out, then he tried to blame you.. if that is possible??? So don't try to compare them.

He said some more choice words and hung up on me..

lovely...

Im not answering the phone anymore today.. my nerves are shot.