Looking for my new normal

[soleil]

I'm wondering if I over-reacted this summer by focusing so much on H wanting us to be a swingers. He kept saying that was a minor issue for him because he said he had other more pressing concerns about our M (meaning me), but for me- it was HUGE, even if it wasn't often.

You didn't overreact because you were never okay with it. It's okay to not want to participate in something that you don't like. Totally normal to be able to have your own opinion, likes and dislikes.

Honestly, now I don't know why I thought it was so important, because looking back, I'm thinking that maybe it could have waited because I'm not upset about anything, or mad, or whatever- at H or the guy who got out of hand, I don't feel anything. So it must have not been a big deal

Go back and re-read your posts. You were very upset. Feelings ebb and flow. And in that moment you felt a dire need to talk to someone. There is nothing wrong with that. What you feel today may not be what you feel tomorrow and vice versa.

I, like you, cried way more when I was still living at home than I do now. It still happens, just not nearly as often.

The IC is going to help you.

[SpinFree]

SB's H doesn't *know* how to relate to SB in a healthy, adult, committed relationship. He will have to re-learn everything.

The cup is full of vinegar. He'll have to dump it out, wash it thoroughly, and fill it with good wine.

Sounds like a lot of work for both of you. You may or may not be willing.

SpinFree

[SpyBunny]

It may be time to start prepping the dissolution papers.

I had thought we were going to give ourselves a 4 - 6 month separation, and then talk and re-evaluate. Maybe try MC again at that point. Now he's saying maybe there is no point to that, things never changed and we talked for over a year. No final decision yet, but I may as well start preparing. He also gave me the name of an atty he consulted back in Sept, and asked if we had a case against them recently because she was familiar with my firm (I'm a paralegal). I said yes, a couple of years ago... My thought bubble was "oh, great" when I heard who it was- she is very familiar with my firm because we prosecuted a malpractice case against them for our client (it settled), so I'm pretty sure we're on her sh!tlist... At least he didn't go to the biggest shark in town.

If we can agree on everything, we can file for a dissolution rather than a contested divorce, so that's the goal we'll be aiming for. We don't have any formal agreements right now for the current situation.

I also told him that I was walling myself off from remnants of the "lifestyle"- certain recent events reminded me of why I was so unhappy before. He then said he was considering dropping his single male profile because he just wasn't having any luck and was looking into regular dating sites. OK, whatever, he's moving on, good luck with that. He hasn't looked deep inside himself to really examine what happened to our M, at least from what I can tell. It starts and stops with my alleged issues, and in all our discussions, he couldn't get past that. He could never talk about his role.

Ok, so continuing onwards...

[C-Bart]

Good to hear from you today. I was wondering how you were doing. You sound great. Real strong.

[TrentC]

He hasn't looked deep inside himself to really examine what happened to our M, at least from what I can tell. It starts and stops with my alleged issues, and in all our discussions, he couldn't get past that. He could never talk about his role.

The good news is, once you are out of his life, he won't have that excuse any more.

You're doing really good.

[SpyBunny]

Journaling- I've been trying to pay more attention to myself lately.

I am good at this- I caught myself turning off the emotions last night and this morning. Last night I could feel anger starting at H while typing last night's post, but then deep breath, shut it off... This morning, a little sadness, two or three deep breaths, shut it off... Don't know what, if anything, to do about it, but I am more aware of it. I never thought about it before.

As I was typing the above paragraph, I got a phone call- my dinner plans tonight with a friend got pushed back to tomorrow, after H and I return from taking S19 back to school. I need to find something to do tonight instead because I could feel the pull start when she postponed- maybe because I was already fighting feeling low? That's something to mention to the IC next week.

I'll look in the newspaper entertainment sect, see if anything is going on, something to be around normal people- or maybe D17 will stop by. It's hard to pin down when she's going to do that, her schedule kinda fluctuates from moment to moment, she doesn't really like to commit.

Have a good weekend everyone.

[mnt_dreams]

I've been trying to pay more attention to myself lately.

I am good at this- I caught myself turning off the emotions last night and this morning. Last night I could feel anger starting at H while typing last night's post, but then deep breath, shut it off... This morning, a little sadness, two or three deep breaths, shut it off... Don't know what, if anything, to do about it, but I am more aware of it.

Great job getting control of your emotions, and being aware of how you are able to regroup with the deep breaths!

[Gardener]

(((((Bunny)))))
My opinion....
Just because you've become numb to something doesn't make it right. I think you aren't feeling upset and angry because you've been suppressing the feelings for so long that they just don't come.

You say the swinging wasn't a big deal to your H, then one of the first things he does is give you a camera, and encourage you so use it, shall we say, inappropriately. Do you see the inconsistency? To survive, you've deadened your emotions. For a few days there, you were feeling them, and they were real! Bunny, you were at the least seriously disrespected, if not raped by that other guy. That was real, too.

Don't try to minimize things. They've been real, and they are still affecting you!

^^^^

[Gardener]

Bunny,
Right here:

SB's H doesn't *know* how to relate to SB in a healthy, adult, committed relationship.

SpinFree sums up and nails what dozens of us have used thousands of words to try to convey - to convince!

Bravo, SpinFree!!

[Gardener]

Bunny!

I'm still trying to understand why everybody has posted what they did because when I look at my situation, I don't see anything remarkable. I'm wondering if I over-reacted this summer by focusing so much on H wanting us to be a swingers. He kept saying that was a minor issue for him because he said he had other more pressing concerns about our M (meaning me),

You're beginning to rationalize, to minimize, here!

but for me- it was HUGE,

And that's all that matters!

But he never held a gun to my head- "do it or else...", he wasn't violent, he didn't beat me, he didn't withhold financial support,

You're rationalizing and minimizing again. Having second thoughts. Why? And he didn't need violence, weapons or $ cutting. He's a master mind-f*cker who played you like a violin.

and I don't know what my point is here, other than it wasn't a big deal compared to others who really had it bad...

Oh. Yes. It. Was. To YOU! As it should be.
Someone recently posted to you - as others have in the past - that you should re-read your posts. I know I did. Now I say re-read them, print them and bring them to your IC (or give IC this site and your screen name).

You, Bunny, should spend a minute a day at the mirror and tell yourself, "I am not a swinger. I never was a swinger. I never wanted it or the lifestyle. I was made into a swinger against my will for the sick satisfaction of the person who should have cherished me, protected me, and considered himself privileged to be the one who was blessed with me. I am done. I am out. No more. Never again!"