Trying to move on

[dwinter82]

Take it day by day, seriously. Do not even think about something 5 months from now. Who knows what will be happening then.

I would respectfuly and nicely ask your wife to limit the calls. Just tell her you have a lot going on and if she could send an email that would help you out. I am not suggesting you cut off commnication with her. A postive is that she is still comfortable calling you. Stay positve and show her how confident you are in yourself. Relative to her, be a better parent, live a better life, be happier, etc.

There are some good "blocking out" articles online; I always think of my son playing soccer when ever the negative thoughts start to creep in. All of this stuff is easy to say but hard to pull off; I am going through many of the struggles you are!!

[ClingingToHope]

I'll check out the blocking out articles. The only thing that seems to be working for me so far is to hum or sing to myself. Weird huh? Today and tonight I kept singing the basic verses to "Let It Snow."

[ClingingToHope]

Read one article on quieting your mind.

Take three deep breaths. Then in the next three breaths say:
"For this life I am grateful."
The next three say:
"For this day I am grateful."
The next three say:
"For this breath I am grateful."
Then take three more breaths.

I tried it this morning when I couldn't get back to sleep. Eventually I got back to sleep.

Still trying to focus on myself, but of course thinking about W a bit. She's back on the costume committee for a youth theater group that I found for D10 four years ago. The theater thing has become even more important to W because it's really her winter social outlet.

For the next eight weeks, she'll basically spend her Friday nights at a church measuring and sewing costumes. They meet on Saturdays as well and then she usually spends Saturday night in front of the TV sewing, sewing, sewing.

She'll be too focused and busy to think about the M or really even do anything about the D. Since I'm somewhat dependant on getting a good settlement out of her before we head to lawyers I can't push it.

The theater thing always UPS the stress -- not lessen it though -- because she's so busy on that everything else slides, housework, work stuff, laundry. It'll be interesting.

But I have to not care anymore about the M status. I'm trying to psych myself up to ask out a teacher's aid at D7's school. I see her once a week when dropping off D7 and then I saw her walking at the Y.

She wasn't wearing a ring. My thing is I've always hated rejection and almost all of my relationships came through friends who tipped me off the person was interested. I have to learn how to just jump in.

Also I told one of my married friends on Facebook that I'll be single soon and relying on the married types to fix me up with their single friends. She said she'd put out feelers.

It's time to get going.

[C-Bart]

Have you had a chance to read NMMNG yet?

[dwinter82]

We have the Wii fit at home...the yoga aspects of the game are relaxing and involve controlled breathing.

I am not going to give you dating advice but take things slow. To be honest I dated a couple of women a few months ago. I felt guilty as hell but it helped occupy my thoughts with other things other than my W; made me realize there are other women out there; and it was nice to have someone show some interest in me. However, women at our age are very smart. They could see right through me. It was like I was carrying around a big sign,"damaged goods, stay away"!

It made me realize friends and family are my biggest assests right now.

[C-Bart]

Hey D, my brother from the lue. What the h311 do you mean you're damaged goods? You may be down but you are not beaten.

I personally am not ready to date. I've made a conscious decision to focus on myself and getting as healthy (emotionally, spiritually, physically) as possible. I really don't need someone to validate me as a person. That was the mistake I made with my M. I made my W my emotional center. Not only was that not good for me it was a heck of allot of pressure for her.

My IC always tells me you will always seek people who are at your level. So take the time to rebuild yourself

[dwinter82]

C-Bart, good point.

[mishka422]

I really don't need someone to validate me as a person. That was the mistake I made with my M. I made my W my emotional center. Not only was that not good for me it was a heck of allot of pressure for her.

Exactly!!! I had never thought of myself as codependent until xh left and then I realized that I relied on him for my identity. I had defined myself as xh's wife, Marc's mom, part of the sisterhood of cop's wives, etc. I didn't view myself as......ME! I've learned a lot over the last two years that has made me a much better listener, friend, and potential mate. It has taken me a lot of time......alone......to figure it out.

CTH - do yourself and your kids a favor and don't date too soon. I know it's tempting, but it could lead you down the same road. You said you feel you are addicted to being in a R....break the addiction!

[dwinter82]

I would appreciate it if you guys could give some of this great advice in my sitch

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, C-Bart, you guys make good points. I'm very concerned about the rebound relationship -- that the first person I click with I just fall madly for because of my R addiction.

But I want to get out and go places and I'll give dating a shot -- if I find people to date. I'm out of practice in looking and asking.

I want to keep all doors in my life open -- including the one to W however remote that chance is, at least right now.