First Piecing Thread

[Hope4us]

Whoa! Now that's what I was expecting Pup.

You and Kat both know I think the world of you guys. You've been with me from the beginning and I'll never forget it. There were many days that if I hadn't had the support of you and the others who were with me (you know who you are!), I don't think I'd have made it.

First. Ok, I'll drop it. I talked with my brother last night. He is my best friend. I trust his judgement more than anyone else in the world. And he told me to drop it, so when his advise matched yours, I saw the light

Second. W and I rarely discuss her A. RARELY. Maybe 4 times in the last year. But there are times when A's in general come up in conversation, sometimes by me, sometimes by her, (e.g. Tiger, her friend at work, etc) where because we're not discussing HER A, W is more open to discuss them. Trust me. I do not beat her up over the A. If anything, I'm not getting what I need to heal from this for that very reason. Everyone's opinions on DB, like yours, that I shouldn't bring up certain things because she'll feel like she's being attacked have led me to dealing with a whole bunch of pain when the only person who can help me heal from that pain is the one person I'm being told not to discuss it with. More on this later.

Third. I love a good debate. Arguement isn't the right word. I'm not arguing with you guys, just debating. So even though I'm going to drop it, I'm going to debate cause I love it when people challenge what I think and I love to discuss the merits of both sides. In fact, it's one thing I've learned my W HATED about me. I come from a family that loves a good debate, but W comes from a family of passive people that never speak up when they disagree with someone. So when I would challenge W on something, she felt I was attacking her when all I really wanted was a good debate. NOW I know that she felt like I wasn't hearing her when all I really was doing was wanting to discuss it. I have changed in how I communicate with W in that regard. You guys on the other hand, I don't have to sleep with you so I'm going to debate all the way until one of us is bloody and screams uncle!

Here's where I am coming from. Part of what I see on a lot of posts here is once the waywards spouse signals a willingness to return to the marriage, the LBS is so excited, that they're willing to overlook a lot of stuff. Been there, done that.

But I don't think that's good for the long term health of the marriage. I hear you guys telling me that something that I feel VERY strongly about should be supressed. I've read a cubic butt ton (that's my son's favorite way to describe a lot of anything, LOL) of literature on A's since this began, just like virtually everyone here. And ALL of that literature says that for the marriage to work and be healthy and what both parties want, there has to be open, honest communication. So if I feel this strongly about something and W has signaled to me that she has the same thoughts, whether for her or someone else, isn't that something that could/should be discussed?

Everyone seems to think that if I discuss it with her that I'm forcing her to apologize (see Pup's red font.. ) when in my first post (this time) on the subject, I said that I was planning on bringing it up by talking about our conversation the other night and then saying "have you ever thought about that?" and then let her drive the conversation. I know I'm rehashing what I said and I'm not going to bring it up anyway, so it probably doesn't matter, but that's what I was planning on doing.

Ok, I've rambled enough. I'll wait for replies and it'll spur more thoughts in our debate..

Thanks guys, you know I love ya!