Healing my Heart part 8

[fightingirish]

Well I spoke to soon....Had a really bad night last night.

Little backround...

H's Father is a complete loser. H's parents got divorced about 8 years ago, his father has sexual addictive issues, and also was verball abusive to his kids while they were growing up (a long story). Anyways, They have always had a love/hate relationship, fighting then making up all the time. It would drive me crazy. I do think it got worse when H's brother got killed in a motorcyle accident when he was 18, but I he was still crazy before then.

So speed up to now, He lives in FLA, he's remarried, and i dont know if you all remember last year when he was with H and went out west with him to work and H burned his cornea's and im thinking he'll be ok, his father is out there... ya right.. the man never game him his meds, and H couldn't see to even know what was going on and could have blinded him for life.

I was about to scream!! So we severed ties with him yet again, that was summer of 08'. this year H's father has been sending the boys bday gifts and sent them something for Christmas... whatever I ignore it, becase this is typcial stuff from him, trying to get back into good graces. he apparently called H last night and he told him we were coming to disney, and guess what, H invites him to stay with us, THE WHOLE TIME. I just about died. I said what's going on? He said it was my father, I said yea, what did he want??

H: Not much
me: Did I hear you tell him about Disney?
H: yea, I told him he could come and stay with us?
me: Are you serious?
H: ya so what??
me: Just like that??
H: yea
me: Why would I want to spend our family vacation with him for 10 days in one room?
H: get over it
me: and where are the kids going to sleep??
H: they can sleep on the floor
me: Ah, No they are not sleeping on the floor, your son has asthma, he can't sleep on a rug.. what are you thinking??
H: He'll be fine
me: I am not spending 10 days with your father.
H: good now shutup or I will cancel the trip.


So that's how it went down. Didn't even ASK me if i would mind.. which im sure he would know the answer.. but I would maybe except 2 days or something, but the whole freaking time????? My input means nothing, I have no say on anything when it comes to his father, never have. He used to put him before me all the time.. and I guess things never change. This man has had nothing to do with my sons or us and just accepts him back yet again with no explaination!!

Did he stop to think how I would feel or the kids for that matter??? He really and truly has not regard for me at all... only that I give him sex whenever he wants it and takes care of his needs... other than that im just bascially a tagalong... and its feeling really bad

I was up all night just thinking and wishing that I would have some kind of wonderous thought on what the hell to do at this point. Im so sick and tired of feeling like an outsider in my own family, that my thoughts and opinions don't matter..

THEN... i get up, he's acting like everything is fine... WTF???? he tries to talk to me about one of his workers, I just ignored him. He's got to be kidding, im good enough to complain to about his workers, but nothing that is remotely signifficant.

I was thinking some really bad things last night, the anger in me is really getting worse. I think its because im not that 19 year old girl he could push around anymore, im 37 and NOT the same person anymore and im fed up with his selfish uncaring ways.

Yes here i am again, no way out. Hes got all of the control, and I have none. The only thing on my side is that i have parents that care about me. But i would never involved them in this unless it was my last resort.

S7 is in such a important part of his schooling, still struggling with language arts, what do I do pull him out in the middle and have him get comfortable with a new teacher an up root him. Take them out of their home?? I can't do it, as much as I would love a fresh start, I just can't do it to them.

They weren't around last night to hear us they were in bed. Although there was no yelling, but I also walked away instead of feeding his fire, im not going to do it anymore.

Im a commodity that can be replaced at any time, If he had to pick wether to save my life or someone else's, it wouldn't be mine and that is how im treated. Im only good enough for what he needs me for.

But my boys need me, and I will do whatever I have to, to make their lives go smoothly, and that might mean to swallow Sh**. Cause really what else can I do... he controls the money, the house etc. There's no where to go..

Im not looking for any fix it replies, I already know that im in a no win situation, I just had to vent this all out or I will lose my mind, and I have to be ok for my boys. Thank goodness he's at work today... but I have all wkend to look at his face UGH