yes, enjoy your dinner! fake it till you make it...just replace any negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
I do want you to remove yourself a little, but I'm going to respond to your last post from me.
Quote:
ST - my H has been a jerk - it's hard to be nice to a jerk. I have listened and expressed to him that I am here and I want to understand what he's going through. I've been supportive. I have...but he has been cold and distant towards me leaving me to believe he is in an EA with ow or even more.
yes, I know he has been a jerk, but remember, he has done good things here and there. everything he is doing is by the book. this is how it goes, I'm sorry this is just how it goes. But this is where you have the reigns. YOU are here, and you can make a choice to save it or forget it. which do you want?
Quote:
He told me his LL is personal touch but we aren't close. He is distant right now so that is just hard to do. I tend to believe he is manipulating me with the back and forth stuff. I mean his being nice...then not...it's just as confusing for me!
okay, this helps...during the times he WAS being good (like the wine, or like the dinner, or when he complimented you, or when he opened up, etc.) did you reciprocate with personal touch? or at least within the same day?
in regards to manipulating you with back and forth, like G said, your doing the same thing. and he's going to go back and forth...that is how they ALL act. you have to expect this type of behavior in this part of the sitch.
this is why you must be consistent, just like G said. the more consistent you are, the faster you can get thru this.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I know the back and forth stuff is textbook but it's awful and I don't know how much more I can take.
You know it's textbook. You can take more than you know. The key to being able to do it successfully is to detach your reactions from your emotions (difficult I know.)
Originally Posted By: luvless
I will do my damndest to stay consistent.
Make sure its a "good behavior" consistent. Maintain your boundaries.
Originally Posted By: luvless
This sucks a**
Nobody has denied this.
Luv, I know you probably better than the rest of the people on this thread. So I'm telling you... I know you can do this... use that mule-headedness of yours for good. Change that mindset from one of beaten down negativity to a more positive one. This will become easier once you make up your mind on EXACTLY what it is you want, draw up your plan on what you're going to do to get it and then WORK THE PLAN.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!
Reminder: Three things.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Here's something GIMA wrote on his thread that might help you clear your mind:
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
whether it's out of the LBS' pain/hurt/anger, it is common for the LBS not to understand that, in most (nearly all?), cases, the LBS has difficulty understanding and accepting that the WAS is hurting too. In my case, I knew my W was (and I believe still is) hurting, but initially, my own pain/hurt/sense of rejection was so strong, I had to fight through that to see my W's POV and try to understand what she MAY have been going through. That takes time and a willingness to overcome.
If a LBS is trying to DB, and they cannot understand their S is also hurting, scared, in pain, then I don't think they are DB'ing, as I see that as an integral part of this process. Whether it brings the WAS back or not is beside the point. I think it is more important to accept that this person who is D'ing you IS hurting. Otherwise, the LBS cannot unload their hurt, which inevitably will manifest itself as anger and resentment towards the WAS. I do not want to carry around that anchor the rest of my life. It isn't healthy for me or for my kids.
Get what you can out of it.
Last edited by Gnosis; 01/08/1001:48 PM. Reason: fixed quotes
Here's something GIMA wrote on his thread that might help you clear your mind:
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
whether it's out of the LBS' pain/hurt/anger, it is common for the LBS not to understand that, in most (nearly all?), cases, the LBS has difficulty understanding and accepting that the WAS is hurting too. In my case, I knew my W was (and I believe still is) hurting, but initially, my own pain/hurt/sense of rejection was so strong, I had to fight through that to see my W's POV and try to understand what she MAY have been going through. That takes time and a willingness to overcome.
I like this - I know he is confused and upset too - I do but it's like he's driving this thing and won't put on the brakes so it makes me very angry.
I have to stop thinking what he's thinking and focus on me or I won't get through this. This is my plan. I don't want to wonder anymore.
If a LBS is trying to DB, and they cannot understand their S is also hurting, scared, in pain, then I don't think they are DB'ing, as I see that as an integral part of this process. Whether it brings the WAS back or not is beside the point. I think it is more important to accept that this person who is D'ing you IS hurting. Otherwise, the LBS cannot unload their hurt, which inevitably will manifest itself as anger and resentment towards the WAS. I do not want to carry around that anchor the rest of my life. It isn't healthy for me or for my kids.
Get what you can out of it.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Luv, I know you probably better than the rest of the people on this thread. So I'm telling you... I know you can do this... use that mule-headedness of yours for good. Change that mindset from one of beaten down negativity to a more positive one. This will become easier once you make up your mind on EXACTLY what it is you want, draw up your plan on what you're going to do to get it and then WORK THE PLAN.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!
Reminder: Three things. [/quote]
I'm just glad you still have faith in me G. I know I have to turn the negative into positive - for ME. I think I'm done sulking it's time to stand up. I miss my old H but if this is the new him I don't want anything to do with him.
I am going to be consistently positive and cordial while holding my respect boundaries.
I'm avoiding anger and resentment like the plague.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
