Iced in here where I am and I just couldn't sleep.
@Trent, I completey agree with your post.
@Deep, I completely agree with your post.
Trent, whether it's out of the LBS' pain/hurt/anger, it is common for the LBS not to understand that, in most (nearly all?), cases, the LBS has difficulty understanding and accepting that the WAS is hurting too. In my case, I knew my W was (and I believe still is) hurting, but initially, my own pain/hurt/sense of rejection was si strong, I had to fight through that to see my W's POV and try to understand what she MAY have been going through. That takes time and a willingness to overcome.
If a LBS is trying to DB, and they cannot understand their S is also hurting, scared, in pain, then I don't think they are DB'ing, as I see that as an integral part of this process. Whether it brings the WAS back or not is beside the point. I think it is more important to accept that this person who is D'ing you IS hurting. Otherwise, the LBS cannot unload their hurt, which inevitably will manifest itself as anger and resentment towards the WAS. I do not want to carry around that anchor the rest of my life. It isn't healthy for me or for my kids.
And, Deep, I do agree with you that in my case, I have done all I can do. All I can do at this point is to continue to lead out of this limbo existence. That means doing my best to show compassion and love while, at the same time, protecting myself. Maybe my W follows my lead, but, in all likelihood, that will not happen. None of us knows the future (not even including the WAS), so I think it is important to leave the door to reconciliation cracked just enough that if the WAS chooses to open it, we can say "Hello." Hopefully, the versions of our S we fell in love with will be the ones trying to open the door.
