GW, you are looking at "detaching" as a selfish act. You "used" that concept to contact your W several times throughout the day. Detaching is not selfish in these circumstances, it is a technique used to save your M. She needed the space from you or she would have made some effort to TM you and say, "I'm really having a bad day and need you".
Perhaps you have always told her specific instrustions, like shut the door to have quiet time (or something similar)plus all the other stuff you were telling her. She is a grown woman! You were talking to her as if she was a little girl. If the woman is in a business that apparently is pretty important.......don't you think you come across as almost being "motherly" to her? Don't you give her credit for knowing what to do for herself? Maybe you didn't know how to show your concern and this is your style. If so, then we need to work on that, okay?
GW, you made a decision to pursue your W b/c you thought she was going to have a tough day. Basically you wanted to "rescue" her. This is one of those things that a LBH must stop doing for his WAW. It is just as hard (probably more so) for you than it is for her. But since she is a WAW, then I bet she resents you interupting her day with these TM's giving her these little "instruction" that she has enough sense to know to do.
If it was turned the other way around and you had a W at home who was interrupting your workday to remind you to eat lunch......would you not see that as her acting more like your mother, rather than a self-confident woman? I dare say that men get tired of it and think, "For gosh sakes, I'm a grown man and can make decisions for myslef. She's not my mother and I'm not a kid". A WAW thinks alone those type of lines and even when she "doesn't"......it is for her own good that the H does not rescue her.
The first day after the suicide.......well, that could slide, but you are still trying to use it.....and making excuses for it. You saw for yourself GW! You saw her put the wall up to keep you out and you went back and repeated the same thing again. She comes home and has that wall around her b/c you pressured her throughout the day with your TM's. You used the excuse of checking in on her. It was an excuse to make contact with her, and you might as well admit it. I can guarantee you that she resented you checking to see if she was making it through the tough day. Don't fall back on co-depenent traits b/c it is so unattractive for a male.
New day......new slate. Today you will do better. You will give her space and privacy to give time for the wall to come down a few bricks. You will wait for her to make any contacts necessary. Everything that you need to "contact" her about can wait until she gets home tonight. Right? It can wait. Don't find excuses to contact her. Unless one of the kids gets real sick or hurt......you can take care of whatever happens.
You've seen how this works. You pull back......and she'll come in closer to you, but if you push her......she'll back away. Everytime you push, you loose ground.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/08/1011:29 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
