Please Advise!!!! I Could Use Some HELP

[undefeated]

I am so glad you're back! I was worried we scared you off. This is a very difficult process, and it's not pleasant sometimes.

It's good that you had a good time with your H. It means that you can make changes that he will see. It also means that you need to be careful, and as cutterbug emphasized, go slowly! One of the worst things you can do is rush back to a life with him without taking measured steps. Never assume that everything is fine, ok? I know that sounds pessimistic or paranoid, but a LBS doesn't trust you, doesn't trust what they feel, and may not trust this change in you to last. Outwardly they seem happy and content that you are back. And they want to be - but they learned the hard way once before.

I made the mistake of believing my H was happy with our marriage after I ended my A. But I ignored warning signs and explained away red flags. And I did some thoughtless and even cruel things without thinking about what it would do to him. Now he's having his own A, wants a divorce, and says that he wasn't really happy or connected to me in the three years since my A. Is it all true? Probably not. But it wasn't all wrong either. Watch your relationship carefully and treat it as though it is fragile...because it is. I'm not saying your H will ever have an affair - many LBS could never inflict that kind of pain on another person. But I guarantee, you don't want to find out what he felt, and you don't want a WAH.

You have hurt him more than you can possibly know. I am only just finding out myself. I don't tell you this to make you feel worse; I just need you to understand. Because even if my H called me right this minute and said he was wrong and was done with OW and wanted me back, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't believe him, even though it is the most desperate wish of my heart. And I'd be wondering when the other shoe would drop.

Your H has a hundred questions at least. If he asks, answer him honestly, but thoughtfully too. If he wants unrestricted access to your personal communications (mail, e-mail, text messages, phone log, etc.) let him. You're going to have to prove you've really changed one day at a time.

I also gave him my address for the first time since the separation in May and told him he's always welcome to stay with me when he's in town. He was hesitant when answering and said that my apartment was tainted (assuming because the OM had been there) and that I had never invited him before. I didn't bother to debate but was happy to know I had finally given him my home address as an indication that he is welcome over anytime and that my relationship with the OM is OVER.

You bet your butt this is at least part of the problem. I never understood why my H didn't want to move to Washingtom state with me. He has always loved it there. But I went there with my ex-OM on vacation. And yes, it is tainted for him now. The place reminds him of the affair, and I'm betting he wonders if I think about it too and that's why I want to go back. His OW is in Virginia. I've always wanted to go to Washington D.C. and now I hope I never do. He was there with her. It hurts because it is something we should have done together and he gave that to her.

If he moves with you I think you need to sit down together and work out a plan. I can't stress enough that this is not a time to act "as if it never happened." You can't unhurt him and you can't uncross those boundaries. So both of you need to be clear where you stand as far as the relationship and what you expect of each other.

For goodness sake don't harp on about the A or apologize a hundred million times. It makes it seem like you can't get the OM off your mind, and your H will wonder if you miss him. Also, it will depress you and make you feel worthless. You begin to think, "Why would my husband want me back anyway?" Listen, you made mistakes; you made bad choices. So quit wallowing and fix it...one step at a time. I said that as much for myself as for you.

I did overlook some of his smart a$$ comments and didn't argue with him when he said something I didn't agree with. Like, I told him I missed him and asked if he missed me. He said yeah I miss going to nice places and on vacation with you, it's not like I can say I miss your cooking and cleaning…hahahahahah!!! Of course I didn’t find it funny but allowed him the opportunity to be rude.

While I agree he needs to vent some of the pain he is feeling, I don't think you should let this go forever. If you allow him to act disrespectfully toward you it can become a habit. Also listen to the truth behind the "jokes." What specifically did he dislike about your cooking? Were you sloppy? Were you overly demanding or critical of him? Ask yourself what hot buttons exist besides the A. I'm not suggesting you become a doormat! But show him you want to be better, that you are better than before.

I also told him that I'm so ready to have kids, etc. He then says well you can have kids with anyone if you just want to have kids. I reassured him again that I only wanted kids with him the man I love. He replied with, "I don't think I want kids anymore, I'm too old." Mind you he's only 35 since March of this year.

Ok, I can tell this is a big deal to you, but cool your jets. A child does not fix things, it makes them harder. I should know, I have three. It's hard enough trying to be a parent; don't try it until you and he both feel more secure in your M. And as you pointed out, there is still time; neither of you is exactly racing your biological clock yet. I know you probably feel you are, but you should be thankful you have had a chance to discover who you are before being engulfed by your mom status. I am only 24; I love my kids and my H, but I should have waited.



I'm with cutterbug. I would give just about anything for a kiss or even a hug right now. We are happy that things can be that good for you, but remember for most of us it isn't. It's hard (for me at least) to see other people happy in their marriages right now. Not because I want them miserable, but because I remember a time when I was happy too.

At this point, I think I've done all I can do.

Don't bet on it. Ask him what else you can do to help make this situation better. He might have answers and he might not. But do not allow yourself to sit and think, "well the ball is in his court now." In some respects that is true. He needs to make some decisions too. But you need to give 100% every day to your M.

Again, I'm glad you've come back. I hope I don't come off too harsh. But now I've gotten to see both sides of the coin, and neither one is pretty. I hope you never understand - I wouldn't wish this grief on anyone. But I am glad you are making the right moves to go back to your M. It gives others here hope too, you know. If you as a WAS can go back, others can too.