So H comes in and starts dancing around the party thing. He says the reason he's not going is actually that he just doesn't want to go, but under that there is other stuff, not really one issue, but he's afraid I'll fly off the handle. He says I'm "very senstive" and this may lead to me freaking out. So he wants to be protected by having the Sep. Agreement signed and "some distance" before he gets into it.
He says, "look at how you freaked out about the party - I don't know what you will think is a huge deal - I just don't know how you;re going to react."
So I say, well "do you mean talking about sensitive stuff in general or you're dropping a bomb on me." He says he doesn't know how I will take these things, so he can't say if I will perceive these things as a bomb or not.
He says "I don't know where you are at and you don't know where I am at, and I don't want to upset things, so eventually we need to get on the same page."
These things are so vague my mind is racing - I'm back in panic mode, although I said to him was "thank you for explaining that - good night."
I fear that he is just going to tell me there is no way we are together, he has somebody else, and stop dreaming of reconciliation. However, he does at times talk about "if we reconcile" and tonight he even talked about someplace we should take S in the future.
I just don't know how to read the sitch and I know I'm not supposed to temperature take or have R talks. It was so much easier when I woke up this morning four hours away. I had gotten myself into a state where he couldn't hurt me emotionally. Being in the same house with him every day and wondering if we are actually together or not, or if we are working on our relationship or not is driving me crazy again.
I know this just cements in the fact that I need to stay calm and make no big deal about anything. If he's afraid I will "freak out" then no matter what he throws at me, I cannot freak out. Tall order for me, but I must!
I also fear this may mean he's saying there is no reconciliation in our future and I should just be living like that, and perhaps he is just going along with things for now so I will sign the separation papers. I just don't know.
But then why all the changes? Why the lessened anger and why the MC? In MC he said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not - so I guess this points to having some hope.
Damn, and I was so peaceful when I got home. Look at me now. He's right. I freak out over the littlest thing. Perspective anyone?
