I know, I know, it's a long story but I've come to the conclusion its' best for S to be in his own bed and not carted back and forth, as well as I want to keep an eye on H to make sure he is treating S properly....anyhow, I usually do exactly that - shut myself up in my room and read and do my thing, or go to friends' etc.
I used to cook for everyone, but now I cook for S and I only and H is on his own. Hey, I think I'll buy the popcorn and save it just for S and I. lol.
I know I'm 50% responsible for the marriage breakdown, but i get confused - when he brings up things I've done, I'm supposed to listen and validate, but I also know that blame is a classic abusive standpoint, so maybe I'm supposed to not take it in. Very sad this. I married a different man.
Well got home and spent a couple hours with S and H before going out with friends - See, I'm trying to GAL, LR! Anyhow, H was actually really positive and sweet - and I kept my mouth shut about the party. He actually brought it up and told me something mild like he didn't think he'd have all that much fun since there was a lot of fattening food and bad karaoke at last year's party. I still don't buy that it why he won't go. He made some under the breathe mention of something else - but he keeps saying he won't get into that stuff until the Legal Separation Agreement is signed. He keeps saying he doesn't want to get into anything that will flip my lid and make me tear up the agreement and threaten to take him to court.
so of course my mind starts spinning - well what he has to say must be REALLY BAD if that is what he's afraid of. Thank god for DB - my instinct would be to panic and try to get H to talk about it, but instead, I just went on my merry way to go out with friends. It kills me not to say anything but I'm staying calm. I did it, LR!
I have catastrophized in the past, so I know it might not be all that bad - perhaps just a way for him to avoid getting vulnerable, or controlling things in his childish way.
I feel so good and peaceful after being in the mountains with S that I just don't want to ruin it by bringing it up and giving him the power to upset me.
But I am DYING to know what it is!!!! Ugh. Time will tell. I hope it's not an OW or D papers. Anything else I can handle.
So H comes in and starts dancing around the party thing. He says the reason he's not going is actually that he just doesn't want to go, but under that there is other stuff, not really one issue, but he's afraid I'll fly off the handle. He says I'm "very senstive" and this may lead to me freaking out. So he wants to be protected by having the Sep. Agreement signed and "some distance" before he gets into it.
He says, "look at how you freaked out about the party - I don't know what you will think is a huge deal - I just don't know how you;re going to react."
So I say, well "do you mean talking about sensitive stuff in general or you're dropping a bomb on me." He says he doesn't know how I will take these things, so he can't say if I will perceive these things as a bomb or not.
He says "I don't know where you are at and you don't know where I am at, and I don't want to upset things, so eventually we need to get on the same page."
These things are so vague my mind is racing - I'm back in panic mode, although I said to him was "thank you for explaining that - good night."
I fear that he is just going to tell me there is no way we are together, he has somebody else, and stop dreaming of reconciliation. However, he does at times talk about "if we reconcile" and tonight he even talked about someplace we should take S in the future.
I just don't know how to read the sitch and I know I'm not supposed to temperature take or have R talks. It was so much easier when I woke up this morning four hours away. I had gotten myself into a state where he couldn't hurt me emotionally. Being in the same house with him every day and wondering if we are actually together or not, or if we are working on our relationship or not is driving me crazy again.
I know this just cements in the fact that I need to stay calm and make no big deal about anything. If he's afraid I will "freak out" then no matter what he throws at me, I cannot freak out. Tall order for me, but I must!
I also fear this may mean he's saying there is no reconciliation in our future and I should just be living like that, and perhaps he is just going along with things for now so I will sign the separation papers. I just don't know.
But then why all the changes? Why the lessened anger and why the MC? In MC he said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not - so I guess this points to having some hope.
Damn, and I was so peaceful when I got home. Look at me now. He's right. I freak out over the littlest thing. Perspective anyone?
H says something you kick off, he then trys to validate himself by being mean and spiteful, so youre mean and spiteful back and then huge bunfight happens! Am I correct dunno you will have to say!
Today
H says something, you try really hard not to kick off, but he is so used to doing the mean and spiteful bit he tries even harder till he is beyond mean and spiteful and you let rip?
New Day
H says something.. you ignore him, he starts doing mean and spiteful, you still ignore him, he gets even more mean and spiteful (spoilt brat alert, dont forget to duck the toys!) You say you understand he is frustrated but you are not going to take him seriously until he stops being a brat and if you have to pack up S as well go out from the house and leave him to stew.
He obviously has a bee in his bonnet about sharing some of the tough stuff with you, so I know this is going to be horrid but perhaps you should ask him to write you a letter with the things he wants to tell you in it, so you can read it away from him, so he doesnt have to handle any kick off;s Ok it might be real heartbreaking stuff coming up but at least you can handle it on your own.. Ok I wont bank on it but Id hedge my bets there isnt someone else but that doesnt mean he is thinking about it..
Its strange he is still going to MC I dont think he is entirely done and dusted just hasnt a clue where to start sorting himself out let alone his M
Let me know your take on my queries
Take Care
Rabbit
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Rabbit, as usual you are spot on. We must be quite similar for you to understand me so clearly. Your analysis is right - it used to be the historical pattern BEGAN with him being mean and spiteful, so I am still walking on eggshells. This means, even when he says something not mean, I kick off. So you are right that I'm struggling now with my responses, they are calmer, not a hundred percent detached yet as sometimes I still "let rip" others I walk away, just perhaps not soon enough.
I will keep the "new day" scenario as my goal! Yes, calm, centered, independent, whole in myself even if H is trying to bait me into the old patterns.
I feel better after reading your post and attending therapy today. I am proud that I didn't launch into "talks" about this party (and my birthday) and that H did approach me with some explanations, no matter how vague. We both took positive steps - he being more open, me being more calm and keeping panic in tact!
It is possible that H was saying things are on pins and needles right now and until MC has more time to shift things, he is treading lightly in his interactions with me. Actually makes sense. I just need to calm my panic that it means "there's an OW or he's tricking me or leaving me forever." No, he's still around, he's going to MC, he's not filing for D, so we need time to sort out our feelings. I guess I am trying to accept separation, instead of being impatient and trying to force us back together too soon to calm my panic, to get answers, to be certain. Instead, I am going to try to accept that separation is ok, even good for me - as I can focus on my emotions without blasting him, and he can do the same. I have not wanted to accept the separation, as I feel he "left" me but now I'm seeing it may be good for me too.
The posters on here who have had success all say their spouses needed time to be separated to come back on their own. And also, we learn to be independent and calm our own panic buttons and learn to focus on ourselves better during such a time.
So like Rabbit said, even when H is here, I'm going to try my best to ignore him and busy myself with my projects and goals.
The posters on here who have had success all say their spouses needed time to be separated to come back on their own. And also, we learn to be independent and calm our own panic buttons and learn to focus on ourselves better during such a time.
Its not easy but it can be done and is best for both of you, I was a panicker, I blew my stack for want of a better word over lots of things, bills, what people think, what people would do, and it is so good now to think "what the heck" because it really doesnt matter no more. It is a practise thing the more you do it the easier it still is, also being on my own has made me realise how much H put up with from other points of view, too many to go into at one go you havent got enough life left lol, but like I had to get a job, I didnt want to I had to, and he probably felt the same about some of the rotten contracts he took so we could survive. You will come out of this stronger what ever happens just keep that in mind!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Today was so good. I focussed on me and S and had a wonderful day. Worked on really calming the panic button = which got pushed when I txted H to invite him to the park with S and I. When I didn't hear back, I went into rejection mode - turned out H didn't receive the message and was actually hoping to join us! (I saw on his phone the message never went through). So another lesson on not going into panic. H came over at night, was very nice and we watched out shows - an old evening routine that I'm thrilled we've taken up again.
And, after working all day on calming self and enjoying ME time, I wasn't ruffled when H was a bit sharp in the tongue. He's much better - not the anger and nastiness of the last four months - but still that sharp tongue can set me off. I was so calm I just tried to listen to what he meant and not the way he was talking and the rest rolled off my back.
I did it LR! I think I'm really getting the hang of this!
Brilliant news H4L.. keep practising till one day it will become normal, although I dont think we will be able to control it all the time it is part of our personality, but as long as we can say "sorry was just a bad day" to our h's on the odd occasion we blow it, that will help! Honestly the day I put operation retrieve H into plan, well the day he came back after a month totally unexpected lol! He actually kept saying contraversial things to see if I'd blow, and I just kept 180ing my socks off.. I did nearly blow the other night when there was just too much to do before going out, but I semi-blew then went and did the chores and got them done in time and then said to H " sorry got a bit frustrated there but never mind its all sorted now" and he looked so shocked it almost made me laugh! Theres nothing wrong with having some fun with this so enjoy!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Right. More good practice today. H, S, and I hung out, did things together. I tried very hard to keep my calm. I noticed it really made a difference. A few times, H again lost his cool, let's say. I did not take it personally, I stayed calm, and noticed he calmed right down after me every time. Throughout the day, I noticed he got more relaxed too.
H is quite the Felix Unger to my Oscar Madison, and at his worse can be cruel, barking orders around cleaning. H even lost it over a drip of soda in the car today. But by the end of the day, we were all enjoying shelling peanuts and eating them in the car. I was careful to shell over a bag so as not to dirty "Felix's" car - and guess who was dropping shells everywhere as he tore into them?! My H - laughed that he got a "new brain" where he doesn't care about stuff like that and he's more Zen. We both laughed and it felt good that at some level, he knows and is working on himself too. All without me confronting him, but by taking care of myself and being centered din my responses to him.
Feeling good. This is coming as a result of me working on calming my own panic and enjoying Me time instead of obssessing on how to please H so I can get him back. Thank you LR and all of you - I could NOT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU!
I read a lot of your situation. I think a separation would help you get a hold of your panic reactions so he can't successfully test you by pushing your buttons. Also, I think you are being trained to stay in a reactive, upset state by constant exposure to the noxious stimuli of his rejection. It hurts like hell and is unnatural for you not to be in grief and pain.
I'm in a situation eerily similar to yours, and now in separation while I'm trying to get off the emotional rollercoaster that is still going on, I'm not having my behavior observed and inspected and judged by my WAS whenever he wants.
Does this make sense? And yes, mine is both testing me just like yours is, all the while doing things he has accused me of doing, saying me doing some similar stuff in past is why he "had" to leave me, doing that stuff to me pretty often now, and watching to see if I'll do it back to him. All the while withholding love, affection, etc. because it is easy for him to go without because he has his resentment to fuel him. Does this sound famililar?
I can only tolerate so much of this behavior for the long-term if I get some distance and privacy. I think you should also start regularly turning him down on a few invitations. Otherwise they begin to act like they are giving you a gift you should grovel for. Be kind about it. Just be busy. He will take notice. When sepration agreement is finalized, tell him you've been thinking some distance is a good idea and never clarify why you think this.
