Ok, I'm back. And I need some advice on exactly what I should be doing. I have gone back to my wife's shop to just talk about little things and have shown good side of me, no negative. Those few times it's gone really well. I even told her the other day"if I don't see you before you leave have a nice Thanksgiving". I think I shocked her. She seemed to avoid me right before she left like we were getting along too well and she didn't want that. So should I try to stay away from her completely unless she comes to me? I don't want ro screw up. I'm probably wrong but it just seems by leaving her alone I'll be easier to forget about.
Will you listen to someone who was almost a WAW? She sees what you are calling "a good man" or "a nice man" in an entirely different way. I think she sees you as weak, clingly, codependent,and pursuing. You must present yourself as a strong, confident man who any woman would be crazy to leave. You need to act assured of your sexual attractiveness to other women and not be worried about your W going after some OM b/c you know that you are going to be fine regardless of what she does.
You need to talk to her the way you would talk to a coworker or any other person who is nobody special in your life. She has been reading you like a book and she needs to see that you are not affected by what she is doing with OM, but that you are moving on with your life.
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She seemed to avoid me right before she left like we were getting along too well and she didn't want that
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No, I think you have it wrong. She was avoiding you b/c she was afraid that you would think the two of you were getting along well and that you would try to make it mean something. That is one reason why a WAW will treat LBH so badly is b/c if she's nice then he'll think she's ready to reconcile.
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I don't want ro screw up. I'm probably wrong but it just seems by leaving her alone I'll be easier to forget about.
That is not the way it works. Detaching works. You can do what you "think" should work or do what really gets results. Yes, you wait for her to come to you.
If she thinks that you are actually looking forward to being single, then that will get her attention a lot more than the things you think should work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, that was very informative. I thought I was doing the right thing but see it from W view now. Anything else I should know please tell me.I feel like this is the final stretch. Why she ignored me makes sense, why she was so nasty weeks ago, it's all starting to click. In fact over the last few years while she was in what I thought was a MLC I showed alot of weak. I called it walking on eggshells around her.
Personally, I don't think a women want their H's to walk on egg shells. That actually makes him appear weak. Take charge and be the leader you know you can be.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Bobby...if you must THINK..to do things in advance....to have some sort of effect on your W, then, you have a lot of work to do on yourself.
Stop doing things to bring about a reaction from your W. Read what sandi2 wrote.
Start doing things FOR YOU!!!! Do things because you WANT to do them. Go places because you WANT to go there. Speak to your W when you WANT to speak with her. Don't when you don't want to.
Your way of doing it, right now, won't work. Live for you.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Iv'e come a long way personally since the last time I was here. My wife is still not with me but there have been changes.Many times we have talked for half an hour at a time. She even said she didn't realize how much she missed those talks. Here's the part you all won't like. she's been in the middle of the road with me (so she can come home or stay)that I told her she's either with me or without me. Yes I am prepared for the worse. An older lady friend of hers was concerned about us, went to the book store and bought us each a copy of The 5 Love Languages. I read mine, she started hers, just telling me today she will read it and try and figure "just what the hell is wrong with me". I know people stay separated for long lengths of time. It's been two and a half months for me, but I need to know where my life is heading.
Sadly, those that separate most likely go on to D. I think somewhere the stats are like 90%(?) that separate go on to file. However, it still comes back to 2 choices: -stand for your marriage, or -file
If you choose the former, the game plan is simple.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
My wife is still not with me but there have been changes.Many times we have talked for half an hour at a time. She even said she didn't realize how much she missed those talks. Here's the part you all won't like. she's been in the middle of the road with me (so she can come home or stay)that I told her she's either with me or without me. Yes I am prepared for the worse.
The communication is key to you having hope. In my case, W and I have had something like three talks since November that weren't strictly kid related. I can't climb into her head, but from where I am I don't see anything in her to lead me to believe she misses me at all.
You should have hope.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I hope somebody can give me their opinion quickly. My wife said she would like to move back in with me. The asking to come back didn't go exactley the way I had dreamed it would. Since she left me and dated somebody should she have said she made a mistake and she was sorry. Or was I expecting too much.
I know it will take time to build our relationship. She said she wants to sleep in seperate rooms for a while. i told her i wasn't interested in sex at this point af that was her concern. Thoughts please.
