Please Advise!!!! I Could Use Some HELP

[undefeated]

I am a little strange, aren't I? LOL.

I hope that my experiences can help others. I made mistakes. I screwed the @%*# up. But that doesn't mean I have to die over it every day.

I think that having been on the other side, I can see this process differently than most. When I remember to be calm, I can fairly accurately deduce what's going on with my H. All I can offer is what was in my head during my A. If that helps someone else, then it helps me heal.

[shasha]

First of all cutterbug and undefeated I greatly appreciate your advice and encourage you both to continue corresponding with me. Sorry its taken me so long but with Christmas and New Years I was traveling and remaining busy with friends and family. However, I have been meaning to update my DB family so here it goes……

As I stated before my husband works in Sacramento which is 6 hours away so I did the unthinkable. I flew to Sacramento on Sunday afternoon "unannounced." Long story short, I was unable to track him down Sunday (stupid NFL footbal games all day with friends). Then I fell asleep from pure exhaustion around 9PM. I did not want to tell him I was in town until I actually got him on the phone. So I called him Monday early morning and he answered. In short he was surprised that I was in town, wanted to know where I was staying, and when did I get in town. Of course he was calm, cool, and collective. Not overly excited but shocked.

He took off work early and we met a Cheesecake Factory. When he arrived I already had 2 drinks so this made me very relaxed and cheerful. It was almost like old times when we first started dating. We kissed a few times, we talked about our Christmas holiday, laughed, and poked jokes at each other.

He asked where the relationship stood with me and the OM and if I had taken certain precautions to end the relationship and I told him yes and explained my steps. I also gave him my address for the first time since the separation in May and told him he's always welcome to stay with me when he's in town. He was hesitant when answering and said that my apartment was tainted (assuming because the OM had been there) and that I had never invited him before. I didn't bother to debate but was happy to know I had finally given him my home address as an indication that he is welcome over anytime and that my relationship with the OM is OVER.

I also told him that I may be getting a new job soon and that I would have to relocate closer to the job if all worked out . I asked him if he would be willing to relocate with me when he comes home in May because his job in Sacramento will be finished hopefully. Suprisingly, he gave me a yes (nodding his head slowly). Huge change from when he wouldn't even return my phone calls or reply to my text messages. I offered to pay for our meal and he told me NO that he would pay since I had my flight expense, etc. I thought that was soooo sweet and reminded me of why I fell in love with him six years ago. He also told me that I needed to order more food to take my medicine as I have been really sick these last few weeks.

I did overlook some of his smart a$$ comments and didn't argue with him when he said something I didn't agree with. Like, I told him I missed him and asked if he missed me. He said yeah I miss going to nice places and on vacation with you, it's not like I can say I miss your cooking and cleaning…hahahahahah!!! Of course I didn’t find it funny but allowed him the opportunity to be rude. I also told him that I'm so ready to have kids, etc. He then says well you can have kids with anyone if you just want to have kids. I reassured him again that I only wanted kids with him the man I love. He replied with, "I don't think I want kids anymore, I'm too old." Mind you he's only 35 since March of this year.

Finally, before I left to the airport I gave him his Christmas gift. A Playstation 3 which I knew he would really enjoy since there's not much to do in Sacramento. He was very happy and continued talking to me even tho I needed to get moving to the airport. Before we departed I asked him what was on his mind and he said, "I can't understand how you can be so sweet at times and then very mean and selfish other times." I replied with telling him I'm sorry for what I've done to him and what I've put him thru and that no matter what I love him. He replied back, "I love you too…I never said I didn't."

So we hugged again and I asked him for a longer kiss with some tongue action before I left. I didn't think it would work but it did So we kissed and he had me follow him to drop off my rental car and told me to call him once I got the airport. I called him once I got to the airport and he sounded very tired, exhausted. He told me that he was in shock that I was in Sacramento and it had not set in yet. Gues he couldn't believe it. He also said he was confused but stated he did not want to talk about it then. So I said ok and we talked for a few more minutes and then I had to board my flight.

Today is Thursday and I've only spoken with him once since flying back home and it was brief and I was the one who called. At this point, I think I've done all I can do. I did what I could to show him that I TRULY love him and that I'm done with the OM. I'm willing to go the distance and I only want to start a family with him. I'm just getting mixed signals and am now scared that he will listen to his friends and family.

Any thoughts from my DB family? Do you think he still loves me but not sure if he wants me back? At this point I know its imperative that I practice major DB if I want him back!

Thanks for your ears and sorry sooooo long

[chatterbug]

Take it slow. You had a great time with him.

Send your NC letter to OM.

You must do this step. OR you wait until you two start to get back together. Offer it as something you can do toghether. Did you order the book I offered on the previous post? If not please pick it up. It will help.

He will be very confused. Afraid and wondering what is going on as well.

Do you know his love languages?

If you have his address send him a thank you card for such a lovely day. Thank him for the lunch. Ask him if he would like to go out on a date again. Then give him some time to process all this.

Take it slooooooooowwwwwwwwwwllllllyyyyyy.

Have you thought about those questions I asked you ???

P.S. keep that tongue action to yourself ... Some of us here have not had a kiss for 6 months... Almost 7... who is counting ....

[undefeated]

I am so glad you're back! I was worried we scared you off. This is a very difficult process, and it's not pleasant sometimes.

It's good that you had a good time with your H. It means that you can make changes that he will see. It also means that you need to be careful, and as cutterbug emphasized, go slowly! One of the worst things you can do is rush back to a life with him without taking measured steps. Never assume that everything is fine, ok? I know that sounds pessimistic or paranoid, but a LBS doesn't trust you, doesn't trust what they feel, and may not trust this change in you to last. Outwardly they seem happy and content that you are back. And they want to be - but they learned the hard way once before.

I made the mistake of believing my H was happy with our marriage after I ended my A. But I ignored warning signs and explained away red flags. And I did some thoughtless and even cruel things without thinking about what it would do to him. Now he's having his own A, wants a divorce, and says that he wasn't really happy or connected to me in the three years since my A. Is it all true? Probably not. But it wasn't all wrong either. Watch your relationship carefully and treat it as though it is fragile...because it is. I'm not saying your H will ever have an affair - many LBS could never inflict that kind of pain on another person. But I guarantee, you don't want to find out what he felt, and you don't want a WAH.

You have hurt him more than you can possibly know. I am only just finding out myself. I don't tell you this to make you feel worse; I just need you to understand. Because even if my H called me right this minute and said he was wrong and was done with OW and wanted me back, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't believe him, even though it is the most desperate wish of my heart. And I'd be wondering when the other shoe would drop.

Your H has a hundred questions at least. If he asks, answer him honestly, but thoughtfully too. If he wants unrestricted access to your personal communications (mail, e-mail, text messages, phone log, etc.) let him. You're going to have to prove you've really changed one day at a time.

I also gave him my address for the first time since the separation in May and told him he's always welcome to stay with me when he's in town. He was hesitant when answering and said that my apartment was tainted (assuming because the OM had been there) and that I had never invited him before. I didn't bother to debate but was happy to know I had finally given him my home address as an indication that he is welcome over anytime and that my relationship with the OM is OVER.

You bet your butt this is at least part of the problem. I never understood why my H didn't want to move to Washingtom state with me. He has always loved it there. But I went there with my ex-OM on vacation. And yes, it is tainted for him now. The place reminds him of the affair, and I'm betting he wonders if I think about it too and that's why I want to go back. His OW is in Virginia. I've always wanted to go to Washington D.C. and now I hope I never do. He was there with her. It hurts because it is something we should have done together and he gave that to her.

If he moves with you I think you need to sit down together and work out a plan. I can't stress enough that this is not a time to act "as if it never happened." You can't unhurt him and you can't uncross those boundaries. So both of you need to be clear where you stand as far as the relationship and what you expect of each other.

For goodness sake don't harp on about the A or apologize a hundred million times. It makes it seem like you can't get the OM off your mind, and your H will wonder if you miss him. Also, it will depress you and make you feel worthless. You begin to think, "Why would my husband want me back anyway?" Listen, you made mistakes; you made bad choices. So quit wallowing and fix it...one step at a time. I said that as much for myself as for you.

I did overlook some of his smart a$$ comments and didn't argue with him when he said something I didn't agree with. Like, I told him I missed him and asked if he missed me. He said yeah I miss going to nice places and on vacation with you, it's not like I can say I miss your cooking and cleaning…hahahahahah!!! Of course I didn’t find it funny but allowed him the opportunity to be rude.

While I agree he needs to vent some of the pain he is feeling, I don't think you should let this go forever. If you allow him to act disrespectfully toward you it can become a habit. Also listen to the truth behind the "jokes." What specifically did he dislike about your cooking? Were you sloppy? Were you overly demanding or critical of him? Ask yourself what hot buttons exist besides the A. I'm not suggesting you become a doormat! But show him you want to be better, that you are better than before.

I also told him that I'm so ready to have kids, etc. He then says well you can have kids with anyone if you just want to have kids. I reassured him again that I only wanted kids with him the man I love. He replied with, "I don't think I want kids anymore, I'm too old." Mind you he's only 35 since March of this year.

Ok, I can tell this is a big deal to you, but cool your jets. A child does not fix things, it makes them harder. I should know, I have three. It's hard enough trying to be a parent; don't try it until you and he both feel more secure in your M. And as you pointed out, there is still time; neither of you is exactly racing your biological clock yet. I know you probably feel you are, but you should be thankful you have had a chance to discover who you are before being engulfed by your mom status. I am only 24; I love my kids and my H, but I should have waited.



I'm with cutterbug. I would give just about anything for a kiss or even a hug right now. We are happy that things can be that good for you, but remember for most of us it isn't. It's hard (for me at least) to see other people happy in their marriages right now. Not because I want them miserable, but because I remember a time when I was happy too.

At this point, I think I've done all I can do.

Don't bet on it. Ask him what else you can do to help make this situation better. He might have answers and he might not. But do not allow yourself to sit and think, "well the ball is in his court now." In some respects that is true. He needs to make some decisions too. But you need to give 100% every day to your M.

Again, I'm glad you've come back. I hope I don't come off too harsh. But now I've gotten to see both sides of the coin, and neither one is pretty. I hope you never understand - I wouldn't wish this grief on anyone. But I am glad you are making the right moves to go back to your M. It gives others here hope too, you know. If you as a WAS can go back, others can too.

[P17]

I just want to echo what everybody has said. I'm not in the position of having a WAS come back, but I can relate.

He doesn't trust you at all. He won't for a very very long time. There is no one BIG thing that will turn that around for him. It take slots and lots and lots of little things. Trust. Understanding. Love. Compassion. Space. And acceptance that you have done one of the worst things you can do to a person who gave you their full trust.

I know you understand all of that. But it's too easy to try and push the gas pedal down and shoot off down the road. Resist it. Be patient. I think he will come around - moving with you is a huge step.

There are far too many WAS's here who don't come back. Don't screw this up. Please.

[shasha]

Hello DB Family,

I am back and again thank you so much for all the encouraging and "real" answers. I can truly apprecciate everyone keeping it "real" with me. "Undefeated" because sometimes the truth is harsh and necessary some people can't OR are not ready to handle it but I so appreciate your input as it is based on similar life experiences.

Cutterbug, YES I am happy to report that I did go and purchase the book by Shirley P Glass and WOW!!!!! How informative. I just bought it yesterday and am stunned at how it exploits EA and how the betrayed partner feels. It states that I will not see any progress of healing from the EA until one year from the anniversary my H discoverd the affair. Knowledge is power and although this book is informative it is helping me to better understand the damage I've done and why space is important.

The book also stated that the betrayed spouse may not feel as though they are ready to reconcile until they are PAID BACK IN FULL FROM THE TRAUMA of the affair. To be honest I did not realize or view this EA as a trauma. Guess because when my H and I separated I didn't think he loved or cared for me anymore. Shortly after the separation is when the affair began. This book is so in tuned with the realization of EA and how to process thru it all. I found myself shaking my head yes to a lot of different viewpoints offered.

I must be honest in that I am a little disappointed that my husband has not called me or reached out to me. I find myself feeling like enough already! He is just being ridiculous, after all the hard work I've put into apologizing and calling etc. I have reached the point where I am open to reconciling but understand that it won't be possible until he is ready and NO ONE knows when that is. The book stated there is a cooling period after the EA is discovered and could last 3 months. Well, Im entering my 4th month and although I see some progress it's NOT nearly where I'd like it to be. Sometimes I feel like I should just move on completely and change my phone # so he can never call me. Guess that's makes no sense cause he DOESN'T call me now.

As far as sending the OM a NC, I think it would be a fantastic idea to the the with H. I'm sure he would be thrilled to do that whenever he decides he wants to work things out.

Cutterbug, I have also thought about your questions. The reason I entered an EA was because I always felt last on my husbands priority list. I'm a very attractive woman and enjoy taking care of myself so I couldn't understand why his family and friends seemed to always come first and he could never say NO to them. I also had the SIL from hell who was jealous of our lifestyle and did everything she could to annoy me. She called all the time with drama and it appeared to me that she dictated how some of my husbands free time was spent. Helping her with her boys, going to get Starbuck's in the morning, hanging out for other events with cousins. Plus I was sick and tired of always going to a dinner and movie. He started to have some sexual issues and needed to see a Dr. and I was at my wits end so that I why I left and shortly after began the EA. The OM was younger, HOT body, very sexual, and devoted all of his free time to me. I ended the EA because I was snapped back into reality when receiving the divorce papers and realized OM was psycho and could never love or provide for me the way my husband can.

As far as is love languages go, my H calls thoughout the day to check in on me. He likes to cook for me. He communicates frequently that he loves me but that hasn't happened in a very long time so maybe his love languages have been meaningful to someone else these days but not for me.

As far as my cooking and cleaning goes, I never really cooked or cleaned a lot. I work 8 plus hours a day and our home was pretty big for the two of us so I would hire help to clean. When my husband stated that it's not like I missed your cooking or cleaning, it was his way of making fun of the fact that I hardly cooked or cleaned unlike his mom who cooks and cleans 24/7. I would too if all I did was babysit and could a million times a day.

For the sake of my own sanity I need to just continue to not call. Continue to take myself out to the movies, get massages weekly for stress, hang out with girlfriends, and read.

If I start dating again, I'm miserable and if I wait for my husband who may never return I'm miserable. What a HOT MESS it is to be me!

[chatterbug]

Hello DB Family,

I am back and again thank you so much for all the encouraging and "real" answers. I can truly apprecciate everyone keeping it "real" with me. "Undefeated" because sometimes the truth is harsh and necessary some people can't OR are not ready to handle it but I so appreciate your input as it is based on similar life experiences.

I am going to reply with some comments that you may not like. But I am being honest with my opinions.

Cutterbug, YES I am happy to report that I did go and purchase the book by Shirley P Glass and WOW!!!!! How informative. I just bought it yesterday and am stunned at how it exploits EA and how the betrayed partner feels. It states that I will not see any progress of healing from the EA until one year from the anniversary my H discoverd the affair. Knowledge is power and although this book is informative it is helping me to better understand the damage I've done and why space is important.

The book also stated that the betrayed spouse may not feel as though they are ready to reconcile until they are PAID BACK IN FULL FROM THE TRAUMA of the affair. To be honest I did not realize or view this EA as a trauma. Guess because when my H and I separated I didn't think he loved or cared for me anymore. Shortly after the separation is when the affair began. This book is so in tuned with the realization of EA and how to process thru it all. I found myself shaking my head yes to a lot of different viewpoints offered.

I am glad you picked up the book. Its a good start to understanding what happened and will help you understand why both of you are acting the way you are. It also helps you come to grip with what you did. The Affair you must own completely.

I must be honest in that I am a little disappointed that my husband has not called me or reached out to me. I find myself feeling like enough already! He is just being ridiculous, after all the hard work I've put into apologizing and calling etc. I have reached the point where I am open to reconciling but understand that it won't be possible until he is ready and NO ONE knows when that is. The book stated there is a cooling period after the EA is discovered and could last 3 months. Well, Im entering my 4th month and although I see some progress it's NOT nearly where I'd like it to be. Sometimes I feel like I should just move on completely and change my phone # so he can never call me. Guess that's makes no sense cause he DOESN'T call me now.

Ok its what 2 weeks since you saw you H. Called him once... What happened to SLOOWWW... Did you send a thank you card... Have you contacted any of your friends or family and started to mend those burned bridges ??? You had a 4 month affair. You were seperated for 8 months as well. What do you think he is going to do? Take you back all is forgiven I love you lets move on like this never happened.... THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He still needs time to process what happened over the holidays. Does he know that you are still in contact with OM ? I would take it very carefully as well. Remember you have burned him once. Only you truly know what went on when you two met up. But from what I read. Sounds like he locked a little love away for you. This is a long path. Only you know if it is worth the effort.

As far as sending the OM a NC, I think it would be a fantastic idea to the the with H. I'm sure he would be thrilled to do that whenever he decides he wants to work things out.

Cutterbug, I have also thought about your questions. The reason I entered an EA was because I always felt last on my husbands priority list. I'm a very attractive woman and enjoy taking care of myself so I couldn't understand why his family and friends seemed to always come first and he could never say NO to them. I also had the SIL from hell who was jealous of our lifestyle and did everything she could to annoy me. She called all the time with drama and it appeared to me that she dictated how some of my husbands free time was spent. Helping her with her boys, going to get Starbuck's in the morning, hanging out for other events with cousins. Plus I was sick and tired of always going to a dinner and movie. He started to have some sexual issues and needed to see a Dr. and I was at my wits end so that I why I left and shortly after began the EA. The OM was younger, HOT body, very sexual, and devoted all of his free time to me. I ended the EA because I was snapped back into reality when receiving the divorce papers and realized OM was psycho and could never love or provide for me the way my husband can.

Wow... Seriously... I am going to offer some advice here.
Own your own S*%T. Do not shift blame. You own the Affair. This is a choice you made.
I Repeat.
Take ownership of your mistakes. They are yours and no one else. Do not shift Blame.

I commited adultery.
I stepped out of the marriage.
I have boundary issues with the oppositie sex.
I have communication problems.

Seriously if you ever say that to your Husband as the reason why you did what you did he is most likely going to tell you to go fly a kite. I know I would tell ladybug to F off. So things got stale and he had some issues with the plumbing so you decided to destroy your marriage and sleep with another man.

I am going to suggest that you take that excuse you wrote there and break it down to marriage issues. Issues that you both can work on if you two get back together.

I see lack of communication , lack of quality time, sex issues, and jealously.

As far as is love languages go, my H calls thoughout the day to check in on me. He likes to cook for me. He communicates frequently that he loves me but that hasn't happened in a very long time so maybe his love languages have been meaningful to someone else these days but not for me.

As far as my cooking and cleaning goes, I never really cooked or cleaned a lot. I work 8 plus hours a day and our home was pretty big for the two of us so I would hire help to clean. When my husband stated that it's not like I missed your cooking or cleaning, it was his way of making fun of the fact that I hardly cooked or cleaned unlike his mom who cooks and cleans 24/7. I would too if all I did was babysit and could a million times a day.

For the sake of my own sanity I need to just continue to not call. Continue to take myself out to the movies, get massages weekly for stress, hang out with girlfriends, and read.

If I start dating again, I'm miserable and if I wait for my husband who may never return I'm miserable. What a HOT MESS it is to be me!

Sure is so what you going to do about it. Give up ?

Own up , learn and heal.

And paitence.

You had a great time together. Believe me it was very important that you did that to your husband and that you phoned. So you know what send the card. Put your phone and address in the card.
Then wait a week and call.

Before you call him. Pamper yourself that day. Put yourself in a great mood. And call him and express happiness about your day and just say you wanted to share a happy day with him because you are feeling like a million bucks and you were smiling because you were thinking of him. Keep it short and tell him you would like to call him again if he would like that.

Then let him answer the question.

[wifeleft2009]

I have to say I find this a very interesting stitch..

one thought I have is how when a WAS leaves and has an A they don't think of it as an A but when the LBS engages into a "A" IDK if there is any thought at all of it as an A since he prob thinks the M was long gone and you had already stepped out.

And I hate to say it but you might want to sit in for the long haul because I could say If I was "Dating" another woman and W wanted to work it out right now... I would most likely tell her where she could shove it! so you need to wait with out "waiting" if that makes sense??? (I guess being available with out looking like you are waiting)

just a thought .. I don't think you were gone that long... not like most stiches here (this makes no differance to him but it's just odd IMOP from what I have noticed)

BTW im glad to see you finally saw what you had!

[undefeated]

The book also stated that the betrayed spouse may not feel as though they are ready to reconcile until they are PAID BACK IN FULL FROM THE TRAUMA of the affair.

Be careful with this. I think the book is right; your spouse has to feel paid back in full. But from someone who is now paying in equal currency, you never really know the pain of LBS. Unless you are like me, and I hope you never are. So it will take time. And I would say don't assume he is over it just because he doesn't bring it up or seems happier with you.This is so hard because then you have to ask yourself. so when is it paid back in my spouse's mind? As I screwed up this step I don't have any answers.

I must be honest in that I am a little disappointed that my husband has not called me or reached out to me. I find myself feeling like enough already!

It's time to learn/exercise some patience. If you can't do that it will be very difficult if not nearly impossible to work back to an amicable marriage. We take baby steps with our spouses. Running through the process to get to the happy ending just doesn't work.

You have to move at his pace if you want this to get better. So s-l-o-w down!

The book stated there is a cooling period after the EA is discovered and could last 3 months. Well, Im entering my 4th month and although I see some progress it's NOT nearly where I'd like it to be. Sometimes I feel like I should just move on completely and change my phone # so he can never call me. Guess that's makes no sense cause he DOESN'T call me now.

Timetables are a lousy idea. These numbers are relative! The DB book also mentions that most A's burn out after 6 months. SO do I get to sit around and count the days and expect it to end at 6 months and 1 day? No. Each person's process is ongoing and personal. Don't get stuck in this frame of mind. It will drive you crazy and make reconciliation harder.

How exactly does making certain he can never contact you help you mend fences? Your H is already showing a lot of faith in you by being as "close" as he is. As cutterbug mentioned, he has to regroup and figure out where this is and where it might be going.

As far as sending the OM a NC, I think it would be a fantastic idea to the the with H. I'm sure he would be thrilled to do that whenever he decides he wants to work things out.

Cutterbug, I have also thought about your questions. The reason I entered an EA was because I always felt last on my husbands priority list. I'm a very attractive woman and enjoy taking care of myself so I couldn't understand why his family and friends seemed to always come first and he could never say NO to them. I also had the SIL from hell who was jealous of our lifestyle and did everything she could to annoy me. She called all the time with drama and it appeared to me that she dictated how some of my husbands free time was spent. Helping her with her boys, going to get Starbuck's in the morning, hanging out for other events with cousins. Plus I was sick and tired of always going to a dinner and movie. He started to have some sexual issues and needed to see a Dr. and I was at my wits end so that I why I left and shortly after began the EA. The OM was younger, HOT body, very sexual, and devoted all of his free time to me. I ended the EA because I was snapped back into reality when receiving the divorce papers and realized OM was psycho and could never love or provide for me the way my husband can.

Yep, and now I call BS. Excuses do not make for good relationship building. Listen to cutterbug and own your own wrongs.

As far as my cooking and cleaning goes, I never really cooked or cleaned a lot. I work 8 plus hours a day and our home was pretty big for the two of us so I would hire help to clean. When my husband stated that it's not like I missed your cooking or cleaning, it was his way of making fun of the fact that I hardly cooked or cleaned unlike his mom who cooks and cleans 24/7. I would too if all I did was babysit and could a million times a day.

I so wish I could afford to hire someone to clean for me! I can be jealous for a minute, right? >>> ok, minute is up.

I'm not exactly sure how to respond to the second half of this. I guess it got under my skin a bit. I was a full-time college student (12 credit hours every semester), had my own business, and have been raising three kids. I also do most of the cooking and cleaning. I don't think your husband should make fun of you, but please don't knock it. This life of being a homemaker is not a cakewalk either.

If I start dating again, I'm miserable and if I wait for my husband who may never return I'm miserable. What a HOT MESS it is to be me!

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. " ~Martha Washington.

Misery is a choice. You have to make yourself happy. As long as your happiness comes from an outside source it can be taken away without your permission or input. But happiness that you have created and own for yourself...that no one can take.

wifeleft>>>

one thought I have is how when a WAS leaves and has an A they don't think of it as an A but when the LBS engages into a "A" IDK if there is any thought at all of it as an A since he prob thinks the M was long gone and you had already stepped out.

Oh yes, it is still an A, and the LBS turned WAS knows it. My thread might give you some insight into this.

[shasha]

Cutterbug, undefeated, and wifeleft2009 thank you for taking the time to listen to me and offer sound advise and criticism. I think this site is very useful and helpful because you are not on either side. It's difficult to talk to family and friends because they are automatically on my side and some think I need to move on if he doesn't want to work things out like "tomorrow."

Cutterbug, its actually only been on week and 2 days since I saw my husband not two weeks so I guess this means I'm overly impatient! I did buy him a card and will send it to him on Satuday and ask him for another date in the near future. I actually started calling friends of ours and reaching out to them in mid-November. Have not reached out to his family persay but my family knows how sorry I am and how much I want my marriage back and although I am WRONG they support me 100% and even invited him to spend X-mas with us but of course he declined. No he does not know that I'm still in contact with the OM. Please keep in mind the OM still calls me but I have made it clear that I'm no longer interested and have put GREAT distance between the two of us. I am already in the process of joining a different gym as well. My husband wanted to know if I had done that yet but I told him I was in the process.

I do agree I need to own my A and work on myself instead of shifting the blame. Sometimes its easier to justify my A with what I felt was missing in my marriage. I mean who wants to admit they had an A because they are selfish? But I do realize there is no such thing as a perfect marriage and that there will be times that things are NOT so great but that's NO excuse to go and have an A.

Undefeated I agree that my situation should not determine how I feel about myself or life. Although I work on myself and spend time with friends and work everyday I still MISS my husband. I miss sleeping in the same bed with him. I MISS our vacations and I miss my marriage period so no matter what I do or how I feel during the day I feel empty when I come home. O well I guess it's a process that I need to continue working on.


Moving forward I will send him a THANK YOU card and put my address and phone # in it although he already has it and wait for an answer/response. I will practice patience and LEARN what it means to be patient and wait. I will continue to pray and have faith that he WILL come around eventually. Also reading the book is helping me understand my damage.

Thank you all again for your help, advise, and sharing your life experiences with me. I have received more help here then going to a therapist who only listens and provide 0 feedback!