My H and I relocated to OK from the NE a couple of years ago. He moved here, and I followed about 6 months later. It was going to be a chance for somethings we could achieve in the NE. Almost as soon as I arrived I became very depressed. It got to the point that I considered suicide. I felt I had nothing here and had given up my whole life. I did a great deal of blaming and made H's life horrible.
I finally saw what it was doing to us and got some help and treatment. I was deeply depressed and am now on medication and in therapy, and my H and I are in counseling. I waited way to long to get the help I needed, and therefore prolonged my loving husband's pain. It was no all about the move. I had lived here as a child and moving back brought back some very painful memories that had never been addressed before.
I know that I have caused my husband pain by taking my pain out on him and for that I am so very sorry. I was mean, angry, and unfair to him. I have told him that I am sorry and he says that he forgives me and that it will take time for him to trust me again, but that he can see that I am different and better.
Sadly, over the last couple of months (the time I have been getting better and that he says he has seen an improvement), he has had a relationship with a woman in the area. He has said that it is nothing more that "someone to talk to" and that he has discontinued the relationship, but I found a message from her on his phone over the New Year's weekend.
My husband and I had a great Christmas weekend together. It was warm and loving, and then when it was over, & my mind started racing and I did nothing but picture him with this woman, etc. I tried to talk to him about it, but it turned out badly. The OW message sounded like she was returning his call, but I don't know what to think at this point.
I asked him this morning if he wanted to be married to me (I know, not something I should have done - but is was almost as if I couldn't help myself). He answered yes, but seemed mad that I had asked. What I really wanted to ask was are you still communicating with the OW, but I didn't.
I am trying to be a better person for myself and for him and for us. I want to be his best friend again. I want to laugh and have fun together, but I can't get this person out of my mind.
When I ask my H what he wants from me he says he just wants me to "act normal".
He has not wanted to talk about the relationship with the OW. At first I pushed, but I am trying not to now.
What I want is our loving relationship back. We used to have a great sex life, fun together, and lots of laughing. I want that back more than anything. I love my H. He is the love of my life. I feel horrible for the last couple of years and the pain that I have caused him. I want him to know that I know that I did not lose everything moving here...because I still have him. But even when I try to tell him these things he seems to get angry at me.
I know that I am very codependent and I am currently reading Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence (omg, it is as if she knows my whole life - sadly) and I working to make the me better. However, I also want to save this marriage. The marriage and my husband and our happiness are all very important to me.
I guess I should also mention that H is an alcoholic. Our first ~4 years of marriage were very difficult. Then he got sober and mostly (he had a couple of slips) stayed that way until he moved to OK. He started drinking again before I moved down here (even his mother noticed when she spoke with him), but I honestly thought it was because he was lonely. Of course, because of me & my depression he continued to be lonely even once I got here. I would love to see him sober again...for his health and well being.
I love this man. I our marriage and want to get back the joy we once had. And I am trying to love myself a bit more...but it is hard.
I guess the bright spot is that I am over weight and have lost a great deal of weight since this all started, so that is good...
Of course I am also reading DR right now.
Any help that anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. I really want to stop obsessing on the OW and trust my H again. Trust is what I need right now...and to feel close to him again. In my best dream he would turn and look at me and say "I love you, I want to be married to you, and I want to show you I love you again". I want to say these things to him to and show him that I love him, that I have changed and that I will keep changing for the better and focus me more (instead of him), so that I can be a better person for our marriage.
Me (the wife): 45 yr. He (the love of my life): 45 yr. Kids: zero Married: 22 years (and hoping for many more)
