A Choice

[patpat]

Hi S2,

Boy oh boy, have I missed you. I have been so lost these last 3 weeks...

X-mas spent mostly alone. S18 hung out a spell than darted away with friends. Co-workers stopped by, the single ones but most of them were just making the rounds.... they have children and fam in area, so I expected that. Cooked a big dinner, at little of it, but had plenty left over for days.

New Year's, again alone. Did not feel as bad as X-mas, but still sad. Thought about W some than went to bed. I guess I just felt bad because had none of this happened, I would have spent the evening with W at friends as we do every year. Instead, W and OM spent evening with our best friends of 15 years. I don't know how our best friends could allow that knowing she is still married. There will have to be a lot of mending here if W and I get back together... or find a way to ditch our old friends. W meet OM thru them.... God, this makes me sick.... but moving beyond that and hoping that W will wake up and choose our M over OM.

W was very positive about the seminar.... but currently still hanging out with OM. Have not spoken to her since that day, so I do not know where or when we will get the opportunity to attend. I am looking forward to it.

I will wait and see.

As for the no R yalk and the no OM talk.... yeah, I can do it. Lately, I have been to the point where I don't even care sometimes.... is that bad. I just tell myself she is weirdid out and she'll wake up. I hope I am not just lying to myself.

The hardest part is that I do not see her. I do not know what she is doing etc... before we separated, I always knew. She wopuld always call. Now, just straight to nothing... lost, lonely and nervous about future. I know this is normal considering sitch, but it still sucks.... I'll be okay, just wanted to throw that off of myself.

Question for ya... even though W is not around... do ya think she is thinking 'bout me? I know you do not really know but what is the norm for a WAS in this sitch... what is she thinking about?

I know W and OM do not see each other often, but still hang out from time to time. She just refers to OM as a friend with common interests... doesn't tell much else. This was from a convo before she mentioned no R or OM talk.

My heart tells me that she will return soon. Reading the board, I read that I am suppose to use my head, not my heart.

I have a hard time with that one, but I do kinda understand...

I am glad that your pain level has fallen a pinch. I wish you had no pain at all...

If you were around, I would do the happy dance for you and you would just laugh your a$$ off. I use to do stupid things like that for W to get her to smile.

Example: When we would get into an argument and she would show frustration, I would always end it with a kung fu pose and not move from it. She would ask, what are you doing? I would just tell her that it was stand still kung fu.... and not to wake it up because.... and then she would start laughing. That has always been a good way to end a spat. You'd have to see it though. Tell you does it no justice....

The versary dance... the shower dance... the dog pee'd in the hallway dance.... the look at me I'm naked dance.... and the list goes on...

Maybe she will see them all again.

My days S@ are better. Thank you again for being here. You are truly one that I, and others, love to talk too. I know you hands and head must be aching from all the repitition here on the board. One day it will my turn once I learn more and become stronger.

I'm just glad you're here.

I pray for you daily as I do most on the board. I do that more than I respond on threads. I will when I have something to say, but it takes me a long time to type and sometimes I loose my thought. That is why I jump so much in a convo...

oh well....

I hope you get more good days in the near future. I will pray extra hard for those and more importantly "healing"...

May God's good Graces continue to fall upon you....