It is just not fair, but apparently the way MLC'rs are.
Do you mind him having this type of access to you/your house? I would consider it my sanctuary.
Whatever you decide, make sure it's for you. If you can step back a bit and really understand what this is all about, I think it makes it a bit easier.
Is this situation fair? What is fair? I think everyone's "fair" is different. There are certain times in all of this that we are required to be the bigger person. I guess if being better seems unfair at times so be it. In the end you will benefit for being better, even though you may not be able to see it yet.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you can handle this, see where it leads. I don't think staking your claim on your sanctury just because it feels unfair will serve to draw him in any closer to you if that is what you desire.
Again, whatever decision you make should be for reasons concerning you, anything else done to make him move a certain way almost always backfires when it comes to mlc.
Another thing that throws me is the fact that when he comes home H is like the old H just slightly more distant at times. He as even started to call it 'home' again which he didn't for a long time.
He very very rarely gets angry now and we chat more now than in the months before he left when he withdrew completely emotionally and physically. Is that because he sees me as his friend?
Yes. And that's good. Validate. Don't dispense judgement. Don't want what you can't have right now...just be a friend, but let him call the 'contact' shots and see what happens.
BTW, the dance often goes for a long, long time...so be patient!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I'm not so confused about where H is coming from now and I am also more sure footed for the dance.
He has just left and is coming Sat morning. It was very calm tonight with good eye contact when chatting. I also kept out of his way to give him space.
I'll keep watching and dancing and validating him as a friend!
How long has your H been gone? Mine (who lives at home)has been increasingly friendly the last few weeks, chatting more, good eye contact, and even joking around. It does catch me off guard since it is so different from the way he has been for well over a year now. The key is patience. I have to keep reminding myself to just be friendly and detached with no expectations and not revert back to "wifely" ways which come naturally since he is acting so much more like my H.
It sounds like you are handling yourself very well with detaching and letting him initiate contact.
That is pretty early in the process. As far as trying to figure out why he would come on Saturday, etc., there is really no figuring things out. You really just have to go with the flow. I have learned to take the "positives" for what they are and be happy they are there and not try to figure out if he is finally coming out of it or whatever. And just looking at other stories from the archives, etc. that journey towards home can take a very, very long time.
I am getting better at not trying read things into the movement that is made. It was difficult at first and I often got my fingers burnt seeing things that weren't there.
I try to expect absolutely nothing and then I am not disappointed again.
When there is some change in his MLC behaviour it just makes me stop for a moment before I move on again.
One positive is the reconnecting with the children and the stronger relationship he is trying to build between them. For that I am grateful but say nothing.
Although I am very sad today I have had to try and be upbeat whilst H is here.
This dance still confuses me and the games they play. It is hard being with the man you love and then a text comes in from OW and then ignoring the fact that you know.....
Having said that it has been a very relaxing afternoon with H helping S16 do his table for his hornby train.
I keep thinking that the more he comes here and sees me differently the more he will lose the anxiety he feels coming home.
On Thurs he had to visit a small business we run. He wasn't going to tell me that there was a problem. I know why because pre bomb I would have been quite angry at him for the problem he had to sort out and not very supportive. His face was a picture as I validated his feelings and told him to be careful as he was entering the building on his own. This response is a full 180 from the old response. To be honest I didn't like the old me so am happy to be my original self that got lost over the years and now H is starting to see it as well.
I will try and get to a more posotve place than I have been today.
The dance of distancer/pursuer is one that will continue for a very long time while they are in MLC. The more you distance, the more they will try to such you back into the drama. Once they have you sucked in, they will distance themselves from you and then you will begin to pursue. You, the lbs, are the only one that can break this pattern. When he attempts to suck you back in....it's okay to listen, validate, etc., but take his behavior at face value and understand that he will be going back into his hole again, just to see if you will come running to try to get his attention. The more you learn about distancer/pursuer, the better. We had many discussions about this many, many years ago and you may be able to find some information about this behavior in the MLC Archives. It's a tough game and many people get frustrated and hurt by this behavior until they learn how to dance the dance.
Changes that you make....make them for you and you alone.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
