OK, at the risk of others slapping me, I think you need to shake things up. AND, I happen to agree w/Kara, HOWEVER, I don't disagree w/R2C.
OBVIOUSLY, look, smell great... OBVIOUSLY, have on a SPECTACULAR attitude, exhibiting fun, poise, and intrigue.
However, this is where I MORE agree w/Kara. TO ME, pursuing is calling him, txting him, inviting him, to do/be w/you, etc... When he shows up to pick-up/drop off kids or you see him at a game, etc... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with flaunting YOU! The lookin' smellin' actin' bein' great YOU! You don't need to ignore him, or give him one word answers. You can be friendly, open, and appealing! FUN!
IF/WHEN he shows interest is when you can allow him to chase a bit.
Mix it up a bit, girlfriend!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
That is why this is such a great place. There are so many choices. It is good to go into situations armed with lots of choices. It is also good to think about them all and then choose the one that YOU feel is the best for you.
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OBVIOUSLY, look, smell great... OBVIOUSLY, have on a SPECTACULAR attitude, exhibiting fun, poise, and intrigue.
...When he shows up to pick-up/drop off kids or you see him at a game, etc... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with flaunting YOU! The lookin' smellin' actin' bein' great YOU! You don't need to ignore him, or give him one word answers. You can be friendly, open, and appealing! FUN!
Agree. Be you. Do not let his presence change how you behave. If your intention is to seduce him, do what works.
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Mix it up a bit, girlfriend!
Good thing to do. Creates depth....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The important thing is to see all of your options. Then the next important thing is to visualize how things will go with each option. Then choose the one that worked best. Then let it go. Do not try and control the real interaction.
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How else will I learn and grow?
By making mistakes, realizing that they didn't work, and change the way you interact the next time.
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First question: Do you know if H has OW? Not that has been confirmed....I find it very hard to believe someone would just up and walk away without having someone waiting in the wings.
I agree. I never went looking, but had suspicions. Trust your suspicions.
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LOL. He hasn’t quite caught on to this chasing concept yet.
That is because he knows you will still take him back. People want what the can't have. What can't you have? What do you want?
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We have no communication whatsoever outside of issues revolving around the kids.
Count your blessings. I have to force communication about kids and it is all via email.
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...He is no longer welcome in. (Counter intuitive) . The minute after he moved out, I changed the locks.
I am not sure if you understood my point. I got the feeling you were inviting him in.....
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Being nice is not a 180 for me. Where do I draw the line from being cold to frozen?
OK. It is nice to know when to be nice and when to be a b*itch.
The "advice" may be on the face of it conflicting but on a second look not necessarily so.
Obviously you will not engage in pursuing behavior but I think that there is a lot of scope for positive action without being pursuing. What I meant to convey is that you should not project a cold or uptight attitude if you happened to be projecting such but instead seek to be upbeat, positive, looking good, smelling great. Not FOR HIM, as we all know that you will do these things anyhow but I thought that you could capitalize on the moment by doing these things in his presence.
The fact is that someone has to strike up a conversation at some point and if you are the one who wants to save the M perhaps there is a way that you can do that without pursuing and without losing ground. I don't think it is the end of the world if you ask how are you doing and the other person responds in one word or not at all. IMHO you lose no ground and you let it go. If you repeatedly do it and hang around like a lap dog then you will look pathetic. But that is IMHO.
It comes down to the implementation of the approach. Crying, begging, wringing hands = pursuing. How ya doin generally does not.
Having said all that the fact is that no two siches are exactly alike and they have not all progressed to the same stage. At the end of the day you look at all the options and decide what works for you.
I have rambled enough on your thread so I will now go and ramble on mine. Please let us know how tonight goes.
Obviously you will not engage in pursuing behavior but I think that there is a lot of scope for positive action without being pursuing. What I meant to convey is that you should not project a cold or uptight attitude if you happened to be projecting such but instead seek to be upbeat, positive, looking good, smelling great. Not FOR HIM, as we all know that you will do these things anyhow but I thought that you could capitalize on the moment by doing these things in his presence.
I agree to a point. I am "on game" more when in the presence of MsR2C. The things that work are always counter-intuitive. It is important to project something other that what they expect. That is seductive because they think they know you, and then you surprise them by being different. That alone will make them question if they are doing the right thing.
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The fact is that someone has to strike up a conversation at some point and if you are the one who wants to save the M perhaps there is a way that you can do that without pursuing and without losing ground. I don't think it is the end of the world if you ask how are you doing and the other person responds in one word or not at all. IMHO you lose no ground and you let it go. If you repeatedly do it and hang around like a lap dog then you will look pathetic. But that is IMHO.
I agree with this also. After every interaction, ask yourself "Did that bring us closer, or push us farther apart". Every step you take toward a WAS will push them farther away. Every step that you take away from WAS gives them space to evaluate if they are making the right choice"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes. I definitely agree with the second point re evaluating whether the interaction did harm or not. Steps towards them DO push them away (they are very skittish, the little sweethearts). Space but not necessarily coldness. Preferrably a business like friendly attitude.
I picked this up during lunch...Thought It was crazy to recommend a book I have not read....LOL
ROFL. I didn't realize you were recommending a book until just now. I didn't have time to click on the link before and originally thought it was a link to your DB thread called 'Why Men Love B*tches'.
Don't mind me. I am just a little slow tonight.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Tonight when H dropped off the kids, it was pretty uneventful. I opened the front door and said Hi. H herded the kids into the house. All three of the kids were excited to see me and immediately started begging for my attention/crying/talking to me all at the same time. The timing just wasn't right so I decided to just be myself, smiled and said thanks to H, and then shut the door.
In my book it was a neutral event. Not good, not bad, just was.
I will have several more opportunities to see H in person starting next Saturday.
Kara, MF, and R2C - You have all given much much food for thought today. I am grateful.
Kara you are right. In going back and re-reading the last handful of posts there seems to be more similarities than differences.
I want to sit and absorb all this info before I respond. I need to process everything first. Then I will let you all know what my game plan will be.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
I picked this up during lunch...Thought It was crazy to recommend a book I have not read....LOL
ROFL. I didn't realize you were recommending a book until just now. I didn't have time to click on the link before and originally thought it was a link to your DB thread called 'Why Men Love B*tches'.
Don't mind me. I am just a little slow tonight.
I bought this book on the recommendation of someone on these boards (can't remember who) and let me tell you... it has been a revelation to me! Helped me with 180's!
Please let us know how tonight goes.