Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

Dom!! Nice to see you. I am sorry to hear that your situation never turned around. And 'ugh' about the pain your son was expressing. Very sad.

you missed the subtle point. that WAS negotiation. Sounds like he wants to "discuss" it, rather than calling it a "negotiation".

In the words of Homer Simpson "D'oh!!" I missed a golden opportunity. I was stymied because I feel like I have been pandering to his needs for so long now that I didn't want to hit him with "Well, YOU will have to do XY &Z" and at the same time I didn't want to say "I will continue to attempt to meet your needs with no expectation that my needs be met." Yeah, there is probably a happy medium in there-- and I guess you said it with the "If you do X and you will get Y".

I get stuck because I know the underpinnings of the whole thing are based on commitment. And until he says he is committed, I don't have any idea what the big picture looks like. I sure as heck know what I DON'T want. Maybe I should tell him the big picture of what I want in my life/a relationship...? When I think of him specifically, have a hard time with the vision since he has not yet committed.

Keep it light and easy.No guilt, no conditions. NOT NOW. No "demands" at this phase. Just be your happy/confident self, dont let these talks get to you, "you are prepared and equiped to handle anything that will come your way", remember? You DO have something he wants. Wiggle it around his nose a bit...

I feel like I am missing a crucial step. We've been doing this back and forth limbo dance for 2.5 years now-- when *can* I make a demand? When do we finally put our cards on the table and make some progress? I certainly don't want to scare him off now that he seems to be in the throws of really starting to think about the gravity of his choices- but on the other hand, I feel like if I don't start to pressure him, we will just slip back into the cake eating. He gets all the benefits of being married, loved and having a loyal wife, without the "burden" of being committed and actually being responsible towards meeting my needs.

.... I will say this. We are closer to being able to reconcile than previously, as far as house logistics. He and his roommate have already discussed him moving out by summer. He has cleaned the carpets (I was just sick when I saw the condition of the carpets in December.) Once I moved out, he started smoking in a couple of the rooms. (YUCK YUCK YUCK!). He has started taking Zyban and is quitting smoking on Sunday... I wonder if the Zyban is helping clear his head...hmmm.....

Last night as he was leaving he was saying how tired he was and he just wanted to go to bed . And then he said 'one good thing if we were back together is no more of this driving back and forth'...... hmmmmm.....