Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Sandi, wow, thank you for your reply. You have given me a lot of good information. Don't worry about the 2x4s, give me as many as it takes. Please continue to check back with my sitch.

I can understand what you're saying that even though I had depression, my W would have seen me as lazy. I'm afraid she still does. I also understand that she has probably lost respect for me. The only thing I can think of to turn that around is to show her consistent change. I understand that she would need to see that and I'm going to do it.

I realize she probably started feeling different long before she left. That makes me sad though because I wish she would have told me in a more direct way. I guess men can be a bit slow at times understanding their W's feelings but I would like to try. With my IC I am understanding more each time about what my W might have been going through. I feel her pain now and I wish I could take it away. I realize that our old M is dead but I'm hopeful that we can find a new stronger and lasting marriage in time. I know my W has changed from years ago and I'm happy for her. I think it a good thing that people can change and grow. I feel that we can change and grow but still keep the love in our hearts for our spouse. I guess I don't understand how growth means the one person grows out of the marriage?

I agree with you that now is not the right time to bring my W into a MC session since she only wants closure.

Besides NC, I have started my new job, going to IC, seeing a priest and going back to church every week, exercising, walking the dogs, reading relationship books, on my meds for depression (which has been a tremendous help in giving me my motivation back), I'll be starting a second job soon, seeing friends and spending time with my family. I've recently reconnected with a family member I haven't talked to in years. Other than not having my W right now I guess my life is going ok.

I have been staying away from my W and giving her space. It sort of backfired on me this week though. My W started emailing me earlier this week about meeting to discuss dividing up our things. I have been exhasuted this week with my new job. My days this week have been going to work very early and getting home late and then falling asleep by 6-7pm. I haven't been able to contact my W while I'm at work because I'm learning my new job and I'm very busy. The past two days she emailed, texted and called me several times. Since she didn't hear from me for just the past two days, yesterday she withdrew a large amount of money from our joint account. I emailed her last night and tried to explain that I have been exhausted from my job and asleep very early. I told her that I was not ignoring her. I would not pruposely ignore my W. Anyway, I talked to her today and she said she was upset that I didn't get back to her. Remember, I haven't bothered her nor have I heard from her in over three weeks and all of a sudden she keeps on me to contact her in two days. So she tells me that she moved the money to another account. She then tells me that she wants me to meet her and she wants her father to be at the meeting. What? I told her we are adults and her and I should be the only ones to meet. She is not giving in to her father being there.

We started talking about the money and she didn't want to talk about it until we met. I then changed the subject to calm her down. She was talking a mile a minute and wouldn't let me finish. She kept thinking the worst of what I was going to say. I calmed her down and told her I understood...tried to validate. I then said we can figure out how to meet and discuss these things together. She still wants the father present. I told her I would call her later to discuss. She kept saying she had to go to a meeting so I didn't keep her on the phone and said we could talk later. Two things I noticed from the phone call today. One, my W is angry no matter what she says. My wife has a huge protective wall up against me right now. There were times during the conversation she was very nice and other times she had her guard up.

Right now it is somewhat difficult to set too many boundaries since she has most of the money from our joint account. I will try for small boundaries right now. She told me she isn't being nasty but she didn't hear from me for two days so she didn't know what was going on. Unfortunately she saw the DB phone coaching charge on our joint account. So she was upset that I used our joint money for that but that's the money that I use for our bills and my daily expenses. I use the money for my doctor's visits so how is this any different? She is trying to be very controlling right now. I did the DB coaching for me and not to impress her. I didn't want her to see it. When I booked it Db told me it would show up as MWD but it showed Michele's name which my W said she Googled and found out. She's snooping.

As far as R talk, my W does not want any R talk unless for closure with the counselor. She told me today that we are in two different places with this separation.

I know for a fact my W is not in an A. She is just in a different place right now. It's part my fault that she is in this place but I hope to change that. I have been extremely kind and respectful. I need to work on my strength in front of her.

We'll see what happnens in the next few days.

Any advice based on today's activities?