I got the book you recommended and I'm gonna start reading it tonight. I hope it helps...these circumstances are definately different from normal circumstances. Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
antlers, this can't be easy. Doing the right thing is never easy. And it takes time. She may never heal, or understand. But I admire the fact that you are trying.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
It's not easy. I lost my wife and now I feel like I'm losing my kids. My daughter was here 15 minutes yesterday before she started calling me names and yelling at me (she hasn't been here in over in 2 weeks)...so I told her to get her things and I'd take her back to her moms. I did. She said the meanest things enroute..."I no longer consider you my father", etc. And son gets mad when he has to mind and starts saying "take me to moms" and cussing and yelling. Things with these kids have gotten exponentially worse since Oct. 1 when wife filed for divorce. I'm doin' my damnest to not give up internal control of my emotions during these episodes. Son got mad during the night and started cussing and screaming and said "I hate you", "I wish you were dead", I hate coming over here", etc. It's tough to hear. They are both emotional wrecks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
In my divorce stipulation our mediator put the following:
Each parent agrees to support the other parent's relationshp with the child and agrees to abide by the following:
1- Neither parent will do anything to estrange the child from the other parent.
2- If the child develops a negativity toward a parent, then the other parent is responsible to assist in elminating the negativity through discussion and counseling as needed.
I would make appointments for yourself & your children together & separately for them to have someplace safe to deal with their emotions & teach you both how to communciate better in a place where you are both hearing the same expectations.
Personally I would put the note to your wife on hold until this sitatuion with your kids was under control better.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
My wife is contributing to it Bridge! Ever since she filed, the relationship with my kids has plummeted. I've asked her to co-parent, co-support, co-everything when it comes to our kids...and all she does is continue to turn them against me. She is full of hatred and vindictiveness and is now using our kids as a weapon against me. They are aleays telling me "mom said you did this" or "mom said you did that". Now they're saying things like "mom said you're trying to spend all the money so she won't get any"! It's so bad!
The kids are so hostile and out of control, and they WILL NOT go to counseling with me. I'd have to physically pick them up and put them in the car, and then they'd try to jump out. It's so bad.
I can't change them...but I can change the way I act and respond when they do this.
I'm working on a couple of different fronts...she has to help with the kids, and right now she's not! She's making things worse with them. The note to her would, in addition to the book, hopefully help or affect her in a positive way. She thinks I'm just a mean bastard and I liked being that way...the book portion would show her another perspective...one that would be helpful to the situation in several ways. Helping her would encourage her to help me with the kids, instead of intentionally making things worse for me with the kids. And, it would show her the things that you and I have corresponded about...me realizing what it was like for her to live with me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Helping her would encourage her to help me with the kids, instead of intentionally making things worse for me with the kids. And, it would show her the things that you and I have corresponded about...me realizing what it was like for her to live with me.
2 words: "fixing" & "expectations"
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I wouldn't call it "fixing"... to try and help a woman to heal who lived for years with a man who made her walk on eggshells. I'd call it empathy. And compassion...to care about someone's hurt and be willing to do something about it.
"Expectations" that she will be helped to heal...and also to help the kids emotionally...aren't a bad thing.
You said "It's more about validating her decision to not live with a resentful, angry, & abusive man.. & not just Antler's perspective but from someone who counsels them." And I agree wholeheartedly with that. I do think the Stosny book portion can help her to understand more...and to heal.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Helping her would encourage her to help me with the kids, instead of intentionally making things worse for me with the kids. And, it would show her the things that you and I have corresponded about...me realizing what it was like for her to live with me.
2 words: "fixing" & "expectations"
I hear you expecting that IF she reads the book & IF she takes it seriously.. then she would choose to view it in a way that she could heal and help you with the kids, not make things worse.
To me I hear a lot of assumptions & expectations of what she would do if...
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
