Good AYK....the last few posts sound like the guy I am more accustomed to. I really like what Trapt said above...simple, concise, and to the point.
Remember going out doesn't have to involve drinking or running around...well maybe running around. I dedicate at least an hour a day to working out. That is my time...I work hard and I think and ponder between sets. Or I run and think of things ranging from my wife to the weather. In the end....it is time spent on myself physically and mentally. An investment in my self and my personal identity.
I also went out and started playing touch football with a bunch of strangers. They don't know me or ask about my situation...I am able to just be me and play some football. The key being that I get to be me....not the family...not a dad...or a husband. Just me!
I've been giving lip service, I've looked in the mirror and I am not doing what I need to do.
I have not turned the corner and taken the pressure off of me.
I am making it easy to justify all of this.
I am making it too easy.
I'll check back.
I have the best intentions but I haven't done not even close to what I need to do.
Drew a line in the sand with her this wkend and today.
Need to push thru the fear and be the man I envision and owe myself. I have always relied on someone else to make me happy. I want to be a stranger for a bit, even to myself.
Like the kids ideas of what they'd like of me to. It's more in line with my thinking.
Taking steps to work on communication.
Won't tell you all the bs, but she did acknowledge she knows I don't want a divorce, said you're right, I love you. Too which she replied here we go talking about you again.
Too funny for 20 minutes, I asked her questions about what was going on with her. Up until that moment partly felt like a normal talk, although, I can tell she is not comfortable on phone or in person with me. Too angry at me and you can tell she's not just running from me, she is unhappy about a lot.
You're inability to leave her alone is an indicator of your extremely high level of co-dependence to the woman which is extremely unhealthy, particularly when you've been separated for what, 5/6 months?
No woman wants to be with a man who needs her so much. It's extremely unattractive and it is the last thing she's going to respond to.
If you want your wife back you have to LET HER GO. That means stop talking to her about anything except business and arrangements for your children.
Stop telling her that you love her (it makes me want to puke just reading it so I can't imagine how she feels).
Try to think about it from her perspective, she doesn't want to be with you, but you can't even respect her enough to leave her alone and accept her current decision. You say that's because you love her. She sees it as more evidence that you don't love her, you only love yourself and are only interested in things that make you happy. By telling her you don't want a divorce, that you love her blah blah blah you are telling her you don't give a damn what makes her happy, you want her to do what you need so you'll be comfortable.
It's not possible to love someone who doesn't respect your decisions. She can't have the space to love you while you are in her face like a mangey camp-dog.
Leave her alone. If you can't find it in yourself to do that, you need to ask yourself why? What is it within you that needs to be rebuilt so you can stand on your own two feet?
AYK we are born alone and we die alone. At some stage throughout our life we need to learn to BE alone.
You can do that. You can, but you have to make it happen, no one is going to do it for you.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
What walking wrote is really good. I think I need to listen to it also. You need to let it go. If it was really meant to be it will come back. You are smothering her, she can't breathe, so she is running away from you.
Go back to the mirror and tell yourself. I can do this!
We agree!!And that's my point to myself and to you guys, I hadn't been following the plan or really set it into motion.
Sure I'd do ok for a week or so, then I'd get long winded,protective.But I was lying!!
She's not normal and keep thinking can talk to her as normal,her mood is a constant fluctuation, but I am the root of all evil to her right now.
I need to give my wife if roles were reversed what she wants.
Freedom,no complaining,judging, guilt or stress.
I am praying for the ability to do that without an agenda.
I know the moment that peace comes over me. We'll both be on the road to recovery.
I know this is a gift laid out in front of me and I need to open it.
I am pushing thru and becoming the man I can imagine, I want to take myself to dinner,excersise,grow my hair out alittle.
But biggest thing I want to prove to myself, I don't need anyone, but AYK.
I'm pushing thru, I am, there is nothing I can do for her, my only job is to pray for her.
Either way I'm the gate keeper,if she ever looks back.
Took son to divorce support,he loved it,wife was doubtful he would and wished goodluck to him,but in a good mood,know why? NO KIDS on her night!!
I found out and need to accept from what learned in divorce group it's going to take me 3-5yrs to feel whole again.
So yes, yes I do have time.
I'm not the same guy she is divorcing, I am a better man.
I know it's frustrating her because she is starting to see that.
But I am being a better man for me and those kids.
Actions speak louder than words.
I'm doing what makes AYK comfortable,feel good and working towards what AYK has never been.
Totally self reliable,free,and working towards when liked myself best. I was 17 I looked good and I was a world beater,didn't need anyone and could handle it.
Not the guy that became for someone else a smoker cause that was attractive or cut my hair because that was attractive a pushover.
Gotta a lot to prove to myself,but I know I can do it, just have to push thru the fear and do it anyway.
AYK.....It's taken you since 9/10/09 to get this.....
Now that you notice this, the real work can begin....
Everything that has been posted to you has been geared to getting you to this point, where you can focus on you,and make the changes because they need to be made FOR YOU, BY YOU....
And for nobody else.
Stop at the ( major retail chain ) and pick up a couple extra mirrors on your way home......
