Trying LRT - Please Help!

[kara]

Mo3

You posted on Mark Evolving's thread saying that your main interaction with H is re the kids and that you don't see him too much. Your baby step goal is to have him talk to you about something other than the kids.

You have to make the most of the opportunities when you do see him. How are you when you see him? How are you usually dressed? Are your outfits predictable? Is your makeup the same? Have you changed anything about your appearance? Are you usually upbeat? Does he pick up the kids from your house or can you meet somewhere else and strike up a conversation?

It may be worth it to try something different. Something to captivate and spark interest. The first thing to remember is that men are visual creatures. Make sure that you are smelling great as well.

You can make a big, new impact in a few minutes. I haven't read alll your sitch but I will , so if you have been doing any of these things already, we will come up with a new plan.

BTW, my H and I usually pass like two ships in the night but there were two occasions on which he commented on my appearance. Once was when I changed my hair in a major way and he said "Did you cut your hair?" Nothing more, but for him to even acknowledge that he noticed was big at the time. Another time I was wearing a great new suit and blouse and when he saw me , he said "Nice." Nothing more, but again, big at the time.

So, they do notice how you LOOK even if they don't say much.

[mb28]

motherof3,
I just caught up on your sitch. I have to say our sitch’s are so similar, it’s scary. I’ll add my link if you want to check my sitch out.

I am also trying the LRT, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. The urge to call, email or text H is incredibly strong, but I am on day 5 of being successful at fighting those urges. I am trying to GAL, but also have the same problem, no single friends. Everyone I was around during the holidays was married and it just made me even more depressed. I think it’s those lonely times that are the worst.

I hope you are doing well (-:

my story

Together 16 years
Married 12 years
D9 & S6
Separated 12/3/09

[mindfull]

MoOf3 - ^^ What Kara said!!!

[motherof3]

Kara,

Thanks for stopping by. Here are my answers.

You have to make the most of the opportunities when you do see him. How are you when you see him?

The last time I saw H for any lenght of time was at the kiddos Christmas party. I had a good time. Didn't initiate much conversation with H and neither did he. I found myself being more at ease this time. In the past, when physically around H I would tend to get nervous. 'Acting as if' wasn't much of an act this time, it seem to come naturally.

How are you usually dressed? Are your outfits predictable? Is your makeup the same?

I have participated in some retail therapy and bought new, less mom-like clothes. I try and wear these new pieces when I anticipate running into H. I have started to wear more dramatic eye shadow too. In the past, I took the more natural and less bold look with make-up.

Have you changed anything about your appearance?

Hair cut is basically the same, but instead of air drying it I try to style it more in the mornings. Since H has moved out I have gotten some new glass frames that are a little more out of my typical style.

Does he pick up the kids from your house or can you meet somewhere else and strike up a conversation?

This is the hard part. We never run into each other when swapping the kids. For example, I will drop off the kids at school/day care in the morning and he will pick them up or vice versa.

With that said, H will be dropping the kids off at the house tomorrow night due to some work conflicts. So there is an opportunity to shine.

Also, S6 does start up with his bball games next Saturday. We will be running into each other for the next several weeks because of these games.

It may be worth it to try something different. Something to captivate and spark interest. The first thing to remember is that men are visual creatures.

I am all ears if you have any other suggestions. I would welcome all your input.

[Gardener]

mo3, just catching up. Nothing to say except I'm still here.
And I admire you.

[motherof3]

G - I like your new signature.

[kara]

Start with when he drops off the kids tonight. Wear something cute and smell great. Its o.k if you ask how he is doing and see if that sparks a little conversation. Or maybe if you have the tv on or happen to be reading the paper when he stops by, you can ask if he heard about something major in the news that you would both have ususally noted. Maybe you are baking something in the oven that smells great. Men love the scent of home cooked food!!

It is great news that your S has baseball games coming up. Lots of opportunities there for positive interaction.

It is easy to get into the mode where there is an impasse between you and a great physical and mental gulf develops. Having little interation and conversation becomes a habit that can be hard to break. There are plenty of little opportunities for chatting, smiling, being sexy and relaxed in his presence. You want to give off a I love me and I am a cool, sexy, not desperate woman vibe. But don't try too hard. Be natural and let it flow.

If there is still a little flame of love and desire on the stove you want to stoke it. Not extinguish it. Turn it up gradually. Measure his responses.

It starts with rebuilding a friendship base then taking it from there. Be patient. Do No Harm. If you really want it it will take loads of tmie and patience.

Some of my "advice" may seem ludicrous and head in the sandish. When you are faced with te stark realities of separation and who did what to whom it is very hard to even think of being upbeat and carrying on a light conversation. I think anger and resentment have to take a back seat to being wise and thinking about practical steps to M rebuilding. The time for discussion of heavy feelings will hopefully come. In the meantime work on You and Your responses and feelings in private.

[motherof3]

Hi Kara,
Thanks for all the advice. I will try it all again tonight, but feel like I am beating a dead horse.

Wear something cute. Check.

Smell great. Check.

I haven’t been initiating any conversation with him since I have been trying to go dark. My biggest obstacle is that he won’t cross the threshold into the house to even have a simple conversation. I know that he had the flu earlier this week. I can start by asking how he is feeling now. Prior to going dark I would ask him how he was doing to try and start up a conversation and the usual response was ‘fine’. Period. Conversation over, meaning H wasn’t in the talking mood, at least with me. I will try to come up with some little news worthy tidbit to discuss.

And now that you mention it, the last time he dropped off the kids I had just finished baking cupcakes. He did comment on the smell. Hmmm. Maybe I will bake a batch of cookies tonight.

I think you are correct in stating that we are at an impasse both physically and mentally. I just don’t know how to chip away at this if he isn’t even willing to have a conversation with me and avoids contact (at least from my POV) at all costs. He doesn’t ask questions of me and doesn’t seem to care about my whereabouts. I used to GAL to be mysterious and make him wonder. It doesn’t even seem to faze him. He seems to be at a point where he just doesn’t care. I no longer GAL for him, it is all about me now.

If there is still a little flame of love and desire on the stove you want to stoke it. Not extinguish it. Turn it up gradually. Measure his responses.

That seems to be a big ‘if’. All indication from H is of no flame of love and desire left. It is slowly being extinguished on my side as well. The love buckets are not being filled I guess.

I agree 100% that rebuilding a friendship base is the first step. But H has stated on several occasions to me that he doesn’t even want to be friends. At least not now, maybe down the road he says. But he doesn’t want anything to do with me currently. This has been presented to me over and over again in both his actions and words. I know this is going to take a great deal of time and patience. But I can’t even seem to peel off the first layer of that onion.

In the past I would carry all this anger and resentment with me and have let some good opportunities of interaction with H pass me by. I feel that I am finally at a point where these feelings don’t creep to the surface anymore. Well, at least not in his presence.

As for working on me, Friday night I am taking some group dancing lessons. It is something that I have always wanted to do, but H had no interest in dancing. Other than that, I have the kids with me all weekend and plan to enjoy the time spent with them.

Thanks again for taking the time to help me out. I will post again later to give you an update.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Mo3!

I read your first/last posts. I have some 2x4's. I hope you don't mind the unsolicited advise....

Fist question: Do you know if H has OW?

...I will try it all again tonight, but feel like I am beating a dead horse....

I would suggest to stop beating the horse.....The reasons you do the changes are for YOU and your happiness. Then you will feel different.

Wear something cute

I would also like to strongly suggest you dress with style every day. Do it for you! H has huge walls up. Other men do not. Enjoy attention from others. Hold your boundaries. Accept their compliments.

Smell great.

Same here. Do your rituals in the morning. Look, smell and feel good all the time. (For you)

I haven’t been initiating any conversation with him

Good. Move away faster than he is. Let him chase you.

since I have been trying to go dark.

YODA: "There is no try, only do or not do"

My biggest obstacle is that he won’t cross the threshold into the house to even have a simple conversation.

I would like to suggest you set a boundary. This is no longer his house. He has chosen to move out. He is no longer welcome in. (Counter intuitive) . It is important for you to reject him. Projecting strength is attractive.

I can start by asking how he is feeling now

pursuing. Is being nice a 180? if it is great. If not, a possible 180 would be "Being cold".

Prior to going dark I would ask him how he was doing to try and start up a conversation and the usual response was ‘fine’. Period. Conversation over, meaning H wasn’t in the talking mood, at least with me.

Treat him like a cat. Do not initiate any personal talk. IT IS NOT WORKING. Do what works.

I will try to come up with some little news worthy tidbit to discuss.

WHY??? Stop pursuing.

And now that you mention it, the last time he dropped off the kids I had just finished baking cupcakes. He did comment on the smell. Hmmm. Maybe I will bake a batch of cookies tonight.

If you are making them for you and kids, great! If it is to PURSUE him, then NO.

I just don’t know how to chip away at this if he isn’t even willing to have a conversation with me and avoids contact (at least from my POV) at all costs.

By working on you. Ignoring H. Not pursuing. Accept that he is gone right now. Move on without him. Make positive change FOR YOU.

He doesn’t ask questions of me and doesn’t seem to care about my whereabouts.

MIRROR HIS ACTIONS. Distance yourself more than he has. BE MYSTERIOUS.

I used to GAL to be mysterious and make him wonder. It doesn’t even seem to faze him. He seems to be at a point where he just doesn’t care. I no longer GAL for him, it is all about me now.

Great! Get to happy alone. Get to confident alone. Get to sexy alone. DO IT FOR YOU.

The love buckets are not being filled I guess.

Fill your own love bucket. Do not look to others to make you happy. Live each day by filling your own love bucket. Wake up, enjoy breathing, enjoy your morning rituals, enjoy the shower, enjoy every minute of your day......

I agree 100% that rebuilding a friendship base is the first step.

The first step is reducing and elliminating any negative feelings. Forgiveness is the key. Empathy, understanding and compassion are important also. Send H blessings. Think positive thoughts of him. He is hurting.

But H has stated on several occasions to me that he doesn’t even want to be friends. At least not now, maybe down the road he says. But he doesn’t want anything to do with me currently.

That is why it is very important for you to take a break from the R and work on you. When H is ready, he will come back. When he does, you need to reject him "I have a lot to think about and need time to process what you just said".

This has been presented to me over and over again in both his actions and words.

LISTEN TO HIM.

I know this is going to take a great deal of time and patience.

Perseverance is key. Contently waiting over a long period of time. Being happy in the curent sitch is very important.

But I can’t even seem to peel off the first layer of that onion.

That first layer is HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

In the past I would carry all this anger and resentment with me

How are you releasing this now?

and have let some good opportunities of interaction with H pass me by.

Did that make things better or worse?

I feel that I am finally at a point where these feelings don’t creep to the surface anymore. Well, at least not in his presence.

This is good. Keep this up. Focus on getting to the point where you have good feelings even when he is not interacting with you.

As for working on me, Friday night I am taking some group dancing lessons.

Sounds fun. What type of dancing???

It is something that I have always wanted to do

Beautiful! Have a great time. You deserve it.

but H had no interest in dancing

WHO CARES....

Other than that, I have the kids with me all weekend and plan to enjoy the time spent with them.

Enjoy every minute with them.

[motherof3]

Oh boy. Conflicting advice. What to do?

I read your first/last posts. I have some 2x4's. I hope you don't mind the unsolicited advise....

First off, thanks for reading my thread. 2x4’s are always welcome. How else will I learn and grow?

Fist question: Do you know if H has OW?

Not that has been confirmed. But of course has been denied (prior to implementing DB). Short of hiring a PI, I have tried to exhaust all options of investigation. Since he has moved out and setup a separate banking account I don’t have access to things that would offer a lot of clues. My only source of info now is his blackberry phone records. Unbeknownst to him, I can access them online. Nothing out of the ordinary is showing up. However, with that said, I find it very hard to believe someone would just up and walk away without having someone waiting in the wings. I am not naïve, I just haven’t been able to come up with any proof and have stopped trying to do so.

I would suggest to stop beating the horse.....The reasons you do the changes are for YOU and your happiness. Then you will feel different.

Noted.

I would also like to strongly suggest you dress with style every day. Do it for you! H has huge walls up. Other men do not. Enjoy attention from others. Hold your boundaries. Accept their compliments.
Same here. Do your rituals in the morning. Look, smell and feel good all the time. (For you)

Done. Most of the things outlined in my above post were not recent additions or changes on my part. Lately, I have been dressing with style, etc. for me because I want to not because H may see me.

I haven’t been initiating any conversation with him

Good. Move away faster than he is. Let him chase you.

LOL. He hasn’t quite caught on to this chasing concept yet.

since I have been trying to go dark.

YODA: "There is no try, only do or not do"

Trying in the sense it is difficult because of the kids. We have no communication whatsoever outside of issues revolving around the kids.

I would like to suggest you set a boundary. This is no longer his house. He has chosen to move out. He is no longer welcome in. (Counter intuitive) . It is important for you to reject him. Projecting strength is attractive.

The minute after he moved out, I changed the locks.

Is being nice a 180? if it is great. If not, a possible 180 would be "Being cold".

Being nice is not a 180 for me. Where do I draw the line from being cold to frozen?

Send H blessings. Think positive thoughts of him. He is hurting.

I know he used to hurt because of his choice of moving out etc. But I think he has moved past this hurt now.

This has been presented to me over and over again in both his actions and words.

LISTEN TO HIM.

Now that would be a 180.

In the past I would carry all this anger and resentment with me

How are you releasing this now?

I am not really sure. I think I have just let it go.

and have let some good opportunities of interaction with H pass me by.

Did that make things better or worse?

Worse. Let me rephrase. I have let some good opportunities of positive interaction with H pass me by. At that time, I was still holding onto anger and resentment and it showed.

What type of dancing???

Rumba. Should be interesting.