Hiya Trix,

Originally Posted By: Trixi
H came over tonight.

He wanted me to elaborate on what I think the big picture would be if we reconciled; I said that I didn't want to do that because it's should be something we negotiate so we're both getting our needs met...


you missed the subtle point. that WAS negotiation. Sounds like he wants to "discuss" it, rather than calling it a "negotiation".

Next time you are comfy together, I think you should answer his question. But rather on the "what you think it SHOULD be like", rather than what it "will be like".
Lightly emphasize that the future of your marriage isnt some airyfairy nebulous "thing", that "just happens" with a life of its own: it is exactly what the two of you make it to be.
He's still missing that basic concept.
Skip any kind of guilt on him about it... just try to get that concept across to him, that if he wants it to be better, he has the power to MAKE it better.

Quote:

he said that since he can't picture it, he wanted to hear my vision.


I think he's being honest here: he would "negotiate", if he knew want he wanted to negotiate FOR. but he doesnt know. So.. paint a picture for him, that he can look forward to. Make the picture something that includes both your happiness, and his happiness insofar as you understand him.

Now isnt the time to stand back and let him do all the mental work. He has to have a vision of what to work FOR.

If you give him a vision of that, that he would want, and that he can feel is achievable by him... I think he would work for it. Most men will work for something, if they understand two things about it:

1. It is something they want
2. It is something they can completely achieve.

Take out the uncertainty factor. Show him, "if you do X, you WILL get Y".


-----------

In my court... literally...: Final court hearing for divorce monday. After that, it'll be over.

My children dont even know about that bit yet. But just today, my son Robert was looking at a picture he drew of our family, and he got really sad. He talked to me about how sad he was about it, and how he misses our family being together.

Sigh. This just isnt right. But after 3 & 1/2 years, I've given up on trying to fix it. She's the only one who can do that, and she chooses not to.

Last edited by Dom R; 01/07/10 06:16 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle