So I'm engaging in a bit of work-avoidance (not that I could have got anything done on the day, what with all the birthday stuff) by re-reading bits and pieces of my Go-To/All-Time-Favorite book. And on the evening I came across this passage which, to my mind, really ought to be a sort of preamble to the constitution of whatever club it is that Walkaways belong to:
The chaplain had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalization, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.
Two years ago he dropped the bomb and left without looking back. One year ago the divorce was official. Today we were in court wrapping up the final piece of marital division.
In this time I've gone from devastated, desolate, struggling, limping, walking, skipping, dancing. The worst is long gone, the best becomes better.
I'm better at facing fears, taking ownership, calling a spade a spade. I'm no longer (as) hypersensitive or controlling. It's okay if I'm not needed. I try different things rather than being a Momma Nazi, i.e., I try at look at more than my fear, look at the bigger picture.
Take a moment to look in the mirror, see the man who looks back. Just be that man, that dad... because that's who you are. Embrace what's good, drop what doesn't work.
And keep going day by day. This journey comes with its own load each day. Carry that, not the world.
@Gypsy: Let it go. You cannot control what type of parent she is, will be and/or how she will treat her children.
I'm all-too-aware of the fact that I can't control her parenting, and I don't have any intention of trying to do so beyond answering any questions she may/might (never did have the grammar on that down) have in complete honesty.
But when I have a weeping 7-year-old in my bed at 3:30 in the morning who says, "Daddy, you're a better Mommy than Mommy," I find it difficult not to care about the fact that I can't control it -- know what I mean?
Take a moment to look in the mirror, see the man who looks back.
Thank you, no; I started shaving in the shower by feel because that guy who looks out of the mirror is, like, waaayyyy older than I am!
But when I have a weeping 7-year-old in my bed at 3:30 in the morning who says, "Daddy, you're a better Mommy than Mommy," I find it difficult not to care about the fact that I can't control it -- know what I mean?
Maybe there is some solace in the fact that your kids feel comfortable enough to express that to you. It is a bittersweet tribute to your parenting.
But when I have a weeping 7-year-old in my bed at 3:30 in the morning who says, "Daddy, you're a better Mommy than Mommy," I find it difficult not to care about the fact that I can't control it -- know what I mean?
Can't control a child's crying? A child's saying that the dad is more nurturing than the mother? Can't take away the pain? The child's disappointment and ongoing hurt?
It hurts more when the kids hurt. And I couldn't understand why their father cut them from his daily life. I had no answers. Yet I did know.. that I was so lucky they were in my lives, that everyone expresses love differently and loves them to the best of their ability. That you can focus on the bad, or accept it and embrace what is so great in life.
And you always were a better 'Mommy' than Mommy. It's not about fixing.. it's about 'being'..
I find it difficult not to care about the fact that I can't control it -- know what I mean? Can't control a child's crying? It's not about fixing.. it's about 'being'
Somehow I'm not getting the point across.
I'm not talking about fixing another person's parenting.
I'm not talking about not being able to control a child's crying.
I'm saying that it is frustrating to know that I can't control the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs.-SP's parenting when I see the results in a child's face, which is what I care about.
I care about what the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs.SP does only to the extent that it hurts a child, and then I care only in the sense stated above -- that it precipitates a what-the-fark-could-she-be-thinking? moment
I'm not beating my head against a wall, I'm not ruminating, I'm not keening, I'm not raging against the gods -- I'm merely seeing a person who shouldn't be hurt get hurt and am (justifiably, I believe) irritated at the source of the hurt. If it were my mother, for example, I'd be just as annoyed.
So it doesn't mean I want the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs.-SP "back" or anything -- I merely wish (and if wishes were horses, even beggars would ride) that she would stop f*cking the children over.
If something is bothering you then bring it up. It's healthy, productive and great modeling for your kids. Here are the notes for a great book on this topic: www.peace.ca/crucialconversations.pdf
Use your strengths SP.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It's like when I was a little girl and a Mack truck decided to collide right were I was sitting in a car. Knocked unconscious, bloody.. some major broken bones, long convalescence in a hospital not allowed to move and almost as long a time in a full body cast before I was let out and had to learn to wobble, lurch and walk again.
Nobody could go make that truck not hit me, hurt me, turn me into a dog bone. And it hurt, lots. It was unfair. And I'm sure it was tough on my parents.
I wanted sympathy. I wanted validation that this really sucked. Oddly enough they pointed out a boy in the same ward whose injuries were one step worse than mine who was younger and his mother had been killed in the accident. I thought that was a low blow.
Then.. what they did was brilliant.. these two parents.. the father who'd been molesting me for years and the mother who didn't or wouldn't see it taught me to look outside of myself. They found a way to make me mobile when I was an oversized dog bone. They got me out of my head. And a time that could have been one of the worst in my life.. wasn't.
I used those same techniques when my daughter at a young age would be confined to a wheelchair, or unable to walk during unexplained episodes of muscle and joint pain. If she couldn't walk, I converted the Wet/Dry Vac into a custom scooter complete with a license plate.
The philosophy of.. "Yes, this is tough but you'll get better, I'm here for you and we'll find ways to make it work.".. works
None of us want anything to hurt our children. And it hurts. And it's wrong that someone so innocent should experience such a loss at such an age.
And I get it. Thanks for taking the time to explain.
@Gypsy: Let it go. You cannot control what type of parent she is, will be and/or how she will treat her children.
I'm all-too-aware of the fact that I can't control her parenting, and I don't have any intention of trying to do so beyond answering any questions she may/might (never did have the grammar on that down) have in complete honesty.
But when I have a weeping 7-year-old in my bed at 3:30 in the morning who says, "Daddy, you're a better Mommy than Mommy," I find it difficult not to care about the fact that I can't control it -- know what I mean?
Take a moment to look in the mirror, see the man who looks back.
Thank you, no; I started shaving in the shower by feel because that guy who looks out of the mirror is, like, waaayyyy older than I am!
Hey Smiley - sorry I have been lurkin on your guys thread and what I read about the shaving just made me laugh. This is why I come here top this site. The pearls of wisdom are truly great.
