Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

I might need to work on not sounding as I am pouting. I don't know. I know to try to sound normal/even upbeat, but I'm not sure. Either I did sound like pouting or the one/two word responses are so abnormal that it puts the W on alert. She came home and I continued the friendly but short responses. I did a lot of listenting and little talking. Three times she asked me what is wrong. After the third, I put on a big smile, said stop worrying, everything is absolutely great.
She even made a comment that she was a little worried about me because she had heard so little from me all day. She also asked what it was that I had stopped by to talk to her about. I told her it wasn't significant, I don't even remember any more.

Then more comes out. She asks me if I feel I'm just a daycare service for her. That one caught me off guard. I said absolutely not, I love spending all this time with the kids. She then said you said that once before about being her daycare service. That shocked me even more since I don't remember saying or implying that. So I said: I can't imagine saying that or even thinking that, I'm not sure when I would have said something that would have given you that impression but it isn't true. The kids are doing fine, we have settled into a nice routine, they miss you, but we are doing great together (which she absolutely knows/sees and for a while was a huge source of jealousy for her as we have really been bonding).

Shortly after, we went up to bed. I went into the room and she went to check on the kids, or so i thought. A couple minutes later I here her crying and she's just standing in the hall crying so I gave in and went out to see what was wrong and I held her. It is guilt or sadness or whatever about not having seen the kids at all that day, the day prior, and she said she knows she won't the next day either. To me this is an interesting reaction...she was going stretches like this when in the throws of the EA and was staying at work real late cause she was wasting so much time talking/texting/chatting with OM. Didn't seem to bother her then.

We went to bed and this time, she doesn't come over to me, she rolls on her side and asks if I would give her a back massage because she has been so stressed and needs to sleep. I obliged, she fell asleep.

This morning, as the alarms are going off, she reached over and put her hand on my shoulder for a little while (again extrememly rare these days) and after she pulled her hand back, I did the same thing to which she grabbed my hand and interlocked her fingers in mine. When time to leave, she very obviously walked up to me and initiated a hug.

Now what does all this tell me. I got to be honest, I can't be 100% sure. She was not dealing with the suicide well yesterday and was worried about today and having to meet with the wife of the deceased again to go see the body. Factor that in with the fact she told me she forgot to take one of her medications yesterday and there are a ton of variables. The other always uknown is was there contact: phone or e-mail with OM. Phone highly unlikely. E-mail always a possibility.

I am way to close to things and I can take the feedback, I have thick skin, I know I screwed up in the past, took me hitting rock bottom to see it, but it is what it is at this point.

I did see in a matter of hours of drawing back and her pulling in closer. I see it, but getting it engrained in my brain is tough. It seems counter-intuitive...the reason she made up her mind to leave is because I was too withdrawn...so now I am trying to foucus on pulling back to keep her. WOW.