Future, hang in there. Be strong. Tell yourself that W has gotten way too much of you already and she doesn't get ANY MORE. She just doesn't get any more of you. Stay calm, don't give her any more of your emotions, your brain OR your money than you have to. It's not a fight. It's just not giving any more. Period. You need YOU for yourself and for your kids.
Hi musclegal-
That's the thing that is so hard for me. If you go back and read the first page of this thread, you'll see my big failing in my marriage was that I didn't give ENOUGH of myself. That's why I'm so torn about cutting her off now. She deserved more of me when we were married.
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It is so hard to process grief when the "dead" person is in your face, and messing with your mind as though you were the one who did the betraying. At a certain point, you've got to turn it over to the lawyers, have them fight for you, and focus on your own future. Besides, most of the legal stuff is already decided under the law. Your particular situation or your emotions don't change the outcome of what a judge will decide. Just ask the lawyer what the judge is likely to do, and you'll know what to fight and what not to fight. I'm finding there isn't a lot of wiggleroom, at least where I live.
You are so right. I would be practically healed by now if I could have just gone away from my W and not seen her at all for the past year. This constant contact is brutal. Right now we're doing mediation, so it's all on us, no lawyers. If I go the route of lawyers, my cost to do this would go up tenfold. I just have to detach my emotions, and treat this as a business transaction.
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Future, you've got a good future. You've had enough trauma already. Take some deep breaths and get through the divorce as fast as you can. That's what my very smart family is telling me, and I'm trying to follow their suggestions! Just get through it, and when you are out the other side, you are going to be fine. You've learned a lot. This isn't the last relationship for you. If you let her go, you will have happiness again and you can do things differently. If you keep hanging on, you are just spinning in a circle.
Thanks. I am very traumatized by all this, and I probably won't be healed enough for a new relationship for a while yet. I have definitely learned a lot. Even with my friends I am quite a different person, and I definitely am with my kids. We were playing a Wii dancing game a couple days ago, and it was a blast. Sadly, a couple years ago, you couldn't have dragged me off the sofa to do that. The kids are showing me so much affection and happiness. They've sadly begun to just accept their two lives, and appear to be making the best of it.
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Oh, and for the discussions about what she wants. That's why you are paying a mediator. DON'T meet with her to talk about it on Friday. That will get you nowhere. All talks about settlements and custody need to go through the mediator. That's their job. To mediate so you don't have to fight in a restaurant or yell on the telephone or lose sleep. With the mediator, just calmly state your position, without escalating your emotions, and ask the mediator what the law says and how a judge would rule on it. They will know.
I hear you, but I think I can get through our meeting Friday without getting emotionally triggered or trapped. Money is a consideration, and the mediator costs money. If the meeting gets destructive, I can just leave.
