More detail, I have laid off the contact since Sunday and the interactions I had or phone calls around exchange of S9 were a little cold on my part. I don't want to say it didn't feel right but I thought she might be moving closer with the friendly approach over the last 2 weeks, I wish the FB/bar thing never happened but it did and now we are going to sit down with her IC to have a joint MC about things moving forward.
Pros 1. Her IC diagnosed her as Co-dependent and knows she should not be in sitch's that involve men or the possibility starting an R with a man.
2. Her IC said early on that she was pro marriage. 3. Meeting with her IC with my W may give me more insight into my W's thinking. 4. Maybe IC will help my W to see the purpose of a Separation is to work on M not let it die slowly and peaceful. 5. My W may be embarrassed about behavior Saturday night, I could get another apology. 6. Will force my W to be honest with kids, if she decides she is going to date.
Cons 1. Her IC may reinforce her decision to Divorce. 2. With her IC there, may give W more resolve to state clearly that she is done. 3. Her IC may start to lecture me, this happened before. 4. I may breakdown and try to ask for whatever. (I won't, I am determined)
I am going to post a new thread in Newcomers tonight for more advice from the DB pros, W is going to set appt and call me back. We will see each other tonight for kid exchange. More thoughts. I will now reread your last post. exhale!!!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
You know this but I am going to say it anyway, keep your expectations in check...Control.
Her objectives for MC may be different that yours...that's the negative. If her objectives are the same or similar to yours, then I give you permission to go to the back yard and jump for joy but then quickly do a quick reality check; this is far from over.
At a minimum you will be involved in open communication with the W about the R, regardless of the objectives. I am no expert but I view that as a positive. Now do a gut check and continue what you have been doing.
Thanks Soleil, I think this is more than a baby step forward even if it ends up solidifing the parameters of an eventual D, I guess I can state again that I do not prefer a D, but respect my W wishes for a D??? I don't know, I am going to have to do my DB homework here. I truly believe I am going into the lions den, I firmly believe this IC contributed to the further downfall of our M but whatelse can I do? I have one more session with my DB coach, I think I may use it if I can before the MC session.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
In my opinion the advantage we have is that we have assessed ourselves and the situation. Im my sitch, I am are trying to improve who I am, how I react to problems and ulitmately how I love (not taking things for granted). Will this help me down the road? I like to think it will. Conversly, our spouses are reacting to being unhappy and have only assessed that. They are not changing themselves and will likely carry past mistakes with them into the future. Just my thoughts for the day.
I almost feel like a parent to my W. I know that remark my ruffle some feathers especially to those who have suffered at the hands of a control freak. (I was controlling but IMHO not a freak). What I mean here is the feeling I had when I was (gently) pulling my wife apart from the guy she was liplocked with in the bar, the feelings/emotions I was experiencing were those of a parent looking out for a teenager not those of a husband watching his W kissing another man right in front of him.
I still love my W but the feeling is changing inside, it is moving from a longing for her to a deep caring for her, it feels more mature. Is it possible that our WAW's actually experience the same feeling of love moving from a "in Love" feeling to "I care about him Love" feeling. And b/c they were unhappy on the inside they are now looking to go backwards (look for a less mature love) to make themselves happy again? That was deep, did it make sense?
Either way this thing goes, I know I can love my wife no matter what and I think that is the point of not harboring bitterness.
I think you are right DW, you are going to be a better person for the attitude you are fostering in yourself. You are filling yourself with Love, therefore you will attract Love. Love is definitely a choice, I think that some of us here on these boards move forward in their "Love maturity" no matter the outcome of their sitch. Still others get stuck where they are at and again with mixed outcomes. I think you are moving to the more "Mature Love", I think it is a sign of personal growth few people experience.
Last edited by missherlove; 01/07/1003:59 PM.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Man, how big of a hole are you in right now, that was deep.
I understand what you are saying. If they are looking to go backwards from a love perspective, it is to remove themeselves from the burden of reality and keep love simple (or even their lives). If my W and the OM can survive the burden of reality then they were meant to be (e.g., they truely are in love). Right now it is happy, joy, joy for them since pressures do not exist (at least that I am aware of). At some point in time reality is going to hit for them and then answers will come. The questions is, where will I be when it hits.
At some point in time reality is going to hit for them and then answers will come. The questions is, where will I be when it hits.
During my last IC session about a month ago, I discussed that with my counselor and we both arrived at the same conclusion. Only God knows where you will be both physically and emotionally, if we think negatively about it then it will probably be a negative experience for us. If we truly Love our spouses with a deep mature Love, then it will not matter where we are, whether it is in another R or not or if we are content by ourselves. When reality hits them and the answers come, we will/should be happy for them b/c they too have grown personally.
I choose to Love my wife despite her actions and decisions and the pain that they have caused the people around her especially our children. That is a hard choice to make but I do it freely, it feels better on the inside for me and aleviates the pain. On the way back from lunch today in the car, I made the affirmation out loud that I LOVE MY WIFE, but it is a mature Love that I affirm, not a romantic Love. I guess that is why I continue to focus on the positive things not the negative, b/c it makes me feel better, and I want to FEEL better, in fact I want to FEEL GREAT! If I feel great all the time I will be a better person, a better father, a better friend, and a better Husband.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Well, the appt for the MC session is confirmed for Wednesday, Jan 13 and noon. I asked for this session to set up some boundries and talk about other things so things like last Sat. night, don't happen again. The last time we had a joint session was in Oct. and she lied through her teeth about dating anyone and wanting to give the M a chance. Lots of stuff has gone on since then, alot of pain. The last 3 or 4 weeks have been good between me and my W, I started treating as a friend despite her open and outright infidelity. It has been difficult but I must say that I feel better treating her with love and trying to be her friend rather than shutting her out and hoping she will miss me and want to come back.
The other factor in this is that we have both Lawyered UP and she filed a complaint for Spousal Support, Sole Custody, Equitable Distribution of Assets and Compensation for legal Fees, Yeah!! Tried to negotiate with her lawyer and let him know half of nothing is nothing but I think he thinks I have some money stashed away somewhere which I don't. So I am meeting with a Lawyer on Monday, probably $3-$4K to hammer out a separation agreement that isn't going to be worth more than $10k either way, its just spending money I/we don't have.
Other than all that crap I would say that my W and I are getting along great. No kidding, pleasant when we exchange S9, smiles, cordial nice no animosity just friendly. I think I have mostly detatched, I actually have to really force myself to think about things in order to get myself down. The moments I am down are just that "moments" and they pass quickly on their own. I still love my wife and care about her but the romantic love is gone or almost gone.
I had asked her on Sunday after the Saturday nite FB/Bar incident, if she wanted to try to work on the M. I said what do you have to lose? In 8 months if it doesn't work you still get your Divorce so what do you think? She said she would consider it, translate.....No. We talked more on Sunday about R and sitch than we have in 4 months. On Tuesday at kid exchange I asked if we could meet with MC to set up some "boundries" so things like Saturday nite would not happen anymore. Really no need for MC session to acheive that but what the h*ll, why not? This could be an opportunity to peak inside the alien and see if my wife is still there.
Not sure of my agenda, I don't want to wing it but at the same time I would like to hear more of what she is thinking no matter what it is. Do I try to see if she wants to work on the M, do I confront infidelity in front of the MC, do I demonstrate that I will be nice moving forward b/c it is better for me, do I try to tell her how her actions have destroyed and hurt the family, do I try to explain that we have a better chance of finding happiness again than each of us finding it with someone else at this stage in life 42 yrs old, do I try to point out that there is no such thing as a good or happy Divorce, or do I cancel the appt and "Drop the Rope"?
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
If it makes you feel better to act with love and friendship then I think you should continue that. However, if it ever comes down to it and you really need to let go, friendship may not be an option, as least until the pain is more manageable. I know others will disagree with me on this point.
Her D requests are BS!! You have a right for joint custody just as much as she does. She is the one asking for the D, why should you have to pay for it? If you can, you two really need to sit down and try to work through this and come up with an agreement together.
Do not cancel the MC!! If she is willing to go, use it as an oppurtunity to show her you understand her perspective on things. She will likley throw out some reasons why the M is not good or maybe even a couple of character flaws about you. Take them in stride and again, demonstrate you understand. Try not to get to defensive. This is where you want to show her that you want her but that you do not need her. I would not directly bring up that her actions are hurting the family. She probabaly already knows this and making her feel guilty about it may put her in a bad place. However, if it were me, I would bring up the infidelity issue in a respectuful manner and let the MC guide you through the discussion.
