I have been reading you for a while and I consider you to be middle of the road unlees you tell me you are in favour of the death penalty for adultery....
Ok, middle of the road on some social issues. Definitely far right wing when it comes to protecting liberty against tyranny and my views about a Republic based governemt vs one based upon Socialism or Democracy.
I am just wondering if there were huge financial consequences for those judged to have committed adultery whether it might be a deterrent.
Funny, but perhaps poorly placed hijack re: huge $ consequences for infidelity. Somehow reading it I thought of Chris Rock's Gun Control solution: $10,000 price per bullet!
$500.00 per condom, anyone?
Sorry if I made light of serious subject or offended.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I completely agree with what you're saying. A cheating spouse makes a conscious choice to engage and continue in an affair without an overall regard for the family.
And a mature person would admit it, provide an opportunity for counseling, working it out. And that in the end it's a joint, not a surprise decision. Taking responsibility for one's actions.
And I never was interested in being physical with anyone but my spouse and would scurry away if any one showed any interest in me or if there was temptation.
So adultery comes down to selfishness, a sense of entitlement, lying, breaking vows in conjunction with the physical act.
And G'Man... why not have only cheating folks pay the condom penalty which would go into a fund for required marriage retreats of said condom buyers!
Fly-by hugs. Thanks for the whack. And the phone calls. And basically...everything. Thank you for believing in me, when I didn't believe in myself. love, Goldey
Today Bill and I met to finalize the modification of the QDRO for the 401(k), the last outstanding bit of the divorce settlement. He came fully prepared with copies, originals, anticipating every wrong turn the process could take. We were both there without attorneys but had worked out a complex agreement with the help of a financial advisor and QDRO professional.
I always carry a big chunk of anxiety, fear, sense of intimidation, tad of anger when it comes to dealing with him. I got there early, sent him a text saying where we were supposed to be (the courthouse likes to tell you to go one place, then sends you to another wherein you go back to the first place).
Once signed in, we sat in the waiting area. I chose a seat, he sat next to me. I scooted over so I had a bit more space. I stayed quiet.. usually I'm a chatterbox. He started talking about all the work it took to do this on his own (It was a hugs task). How the company he works for came up, how poorly it's doing, how high level executives are being dropped, how difficult it is for him, the tremendous hours he works. I listened. His work has always been an easy topic of discussion.
As we went through the process, I was comfortably silent, responding when talked to.. nothing personal on either side. While waiting in the courtroom I said something about how incredible our daughter has developed in theater since the last time he saw her on stage (a year ago). He talked about what good kids we have, how compared to other families he was with in the court appointed parenting class our kids had no problems or issues.
When our case was called, we stood up, agreed to everything saying we understood everything and were done. Afterwards I talked about what I needed from him for my taxes, reconciling medical expenses. He suggested that I get a job to protect myself if his job goes under and to ease the burden of COBRA costs.
I looked at him.. his eyes looked familiar, so did his nose. I heard his voice that seems slightly damaged from post divorce surgery. Was his face fuller since the tremendous weight loss? He's someone I no longer recognize in family pictures and/or get a shudder when I do.
At the end of our conversation, I offered and shook his hand saying it was good doing business with him. Last year at the same courthouse I refused to shake the hand of the father of my children.. that it was an insult. Better not to do anything.
So.. things change. Before meeting up with him, I slipped into the courthouse elevator which two men held for me. "Ahh.. chivalry is not dead!" was my quip and I added.. "But marriages are optional." The two guys chuckled and made sympathetic noises. "These corridors are probably a good place to troll for dates." was my intrepid rejoinder. They laughed as I dashed out the elevator door.
I think I'm either getting the flirt back or am just going flakey. Either way.. it was all good.
So.. the drama is gone. My fear of him is gone. While being processed before going to the courtroom we had some time alone. I complimented him on what a great job he did, and wished him home runs on his current projects at work. "I'll take just one homerun."
"You've always been incredible with making something happen out of nothing."
For a moment he sat there then said, "Yes, I've always been good at projects." His voice changed, he had a faraway look and was silent.
Anyway.. we both have our boundaries. And I'm free... from being my own worst enemy.
Two years ago he dropped the bomb and left without looking back. One year ago the divorce was official. Today we were in court wrapping up the final piece of marital division.
In this time I've gone from devastated, desolate, struggling, limping, walking, skipping, dancing. The worst is long gone, the best becomes better.
I'm better at facing fears, taking ownership, calling a spade a spade. I'm no longer (as) hypersensitive or controlling. It's okay if I'm not needed. I try different things rather than being a Momma Nazi, i.e., I try at look at more than my fear, look at the bigger picture.
Take a moment to look in the mirror, see the man who looks back. Just be that man, that dad... because that's who you are. Embrace what's good, drop what doesn't work.
And keep going day by day. This journey comes with its own load each day. Carry that, not the world.
