Convo w/ W went bad fast tonight. Her anger was hard and sharp and I couldn't even understand where it was coming from. She came at me with all the old stuff, which I agreed with.
I said some stupid things about "shooting" anyone she slept with and cutting back contact contact w/ the girls. This was mostly hyperbole but fueled her anger. She threw the usual stuff at me, supporting me, all the things I've said.
It came out that I raped her one night after I had blacked out. I don't remember this and she always thought I had. When the full force of this I promised to sign the D papers at the end of Feb to give me time to absorb this.
I didn't know... She doesn't deserve me. She's better than that. I deserve what I get. I'm a monster. It was a long time ago but I wish she would press charges. She won't.
I can't do this with that knowledge, I can't. Flagelate me, crucify me. I deserve it. I can't fix this, can't use words to smooth things over.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Now stop the drama. I get the picture, you were drunk. Was she drunk too? Her memory may be distorted. And maybe it isn't. You can't change the past. There are things we all would jump into the past and change, if we could. But we can't. We have to go on.
So, what are you going to do in the future to be a better person? Do you still drink? Do you still black out? You know that blackouts are a symptom of alcoholism, don't you? You can deal with that. You can correct your behavior so you don't lose control of yourself again. It has nothing to do with the police, or filing charges, or anything anyone outside of you does. It calls for action on your part. You can go to an AA meeting today. And another one tomorrow. And talk to the people there. They can help you. Punishment won't help you or change you. It will only punish you.
It's ego-shattering and I won't go easy on myself on this one. This special, precious person was hurt by ME. Oh, I believe her and don't think she was drunk. I don't want to go into details, suffice it to say, I don't want redemption.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I don't even drink that much. When I do, it's a lot. It's really rare.
And by redemption I meant I deserved some measure of happiness. I can't heal that wound in her, that pain. I wish I could take it on myself.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Changed my name to reflect my sitch. I am in IC and will address this next apt.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I said some stupid things about "shooting" anyone she slept with and cutting back contact contact w/ the girls. This was mostly hyperbole but fueled her anger.
This worries me far more than this...
Originally Posted By: TooLateForMe
It came out that I raped her one night after I had blacked out. I don't remember this and she always thought I had. When the full force of this I promised to sign the D papers at the end of Feb to give me time to absorb this.
I didn't know... She doesn't deserve me. She's better than that. I deserve what I get. I'm a monster. It was a long time ago but I wish she would press charges. She won't.
Why won't she press charges? Maybe she forgave you? Maybe she saw it as a symptom of the drinking, which is the much bigger problem? Maybe she is exaggerating a bad case of drunken, unsatisfying sex?
The rape happened a long time ago, and I'm not really qualified to offer any opinion as to why she did not report you, or tell you about it before now.
But just last night you threatened her potential suitors and to cut off contact with your kids, out of "hyperbole". You actually thought that was appropriate?
You can flagellate yourself and change your screen name all you want. I think a better place to start would be:
* Get into AA, now. * Look into counseling for anger management, now.
Last edited by TrentC; 01/07/1006:03 PM. Reason: "for", not "or"
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
TLFM, You need to find your support group. You have a good start with these forums. If you need to vent, this is a good spot, much better here than to W. You need more support than what we can offer you though. Is it through AA? Maybe. IC? Would definitely help. Anger management as suggested? Could definitely help before you do something more regretful. I think you also need to find yourself some good friends and or family, ones that won't say lets go discuss this over a drink. Shocked
