The thing I am struggling with is letting go of my wife. Letting go, and accepting the fact that no matter what, I have absolutely NO CONTROL over her, or any other person in this world.
THIS is what I am struggling with.
I have to learn and accept somehow, that she is gonna do what she wants to do, no matter what I say or do.
I must start living my life for me. I HAVE to do this - soon.
I also MUST get off this pity pot I am stuck to. What, do I think she is suddenly going to change her mind, apologize, and things will be hunky dory again? NO CHANCE.
I AM GETTING DIVORCED. I DON'T WANT TO, BUT IT IS A FACT. MY WIFE WANTS TO DIVORCE ME. I CAN'T CHANGE THIS FACT.
Last but certainly not least - I have to BELIEVE that I am a good man, and that I am going to be OK - NO MATTER WHAT.
If I can somehow get this stuff embedded into my tiny brain, I BELIEVE I can continue on with this journey. I just gotta figure out how...
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Can anyone tell me, why I am not getting angry at my wife for cheating on me?
Does that tell me that I am ok with it?
I in some sort of sick way, feel responsible for her cheating on me. If I wouldn't have left, she wouldn't have cheated. I know I have been down this road before, but I keep coming back to this guilt I am feeling.
Why am I so absorbed into what she is doing, when I KNOW I can't do anything about it? I just can't stop...caring.
I felt the same way and was in a similar sitch. My wife blamed me for it saying that if I hadn't deployed she wouldn't have had the opportunity to do so. It's a load of BS! Deploying is part of your job. She knows this and married you knowing this. STOP feeling guilty--it does no good. It is difficult I know but the sooner you can push this emotion aside the sooner you will get back to being happy. Force yourself to do things to stay engaged on your FOB. Don't you dare hole up in your CHU in your off time.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
"Co-Dependent No More," by Beattie, is the book I hear recommended as THE read, altho I haven't read it myself. "The Language of Letting Go" is also excellent; it's a book of daily meditations, and my mom and brother have shared a lot of them with me and they're always really good.
Not sure if it is temporary, but I feel, indifferent about it all right now.
I hope this is a good thing. Maybe, I am finally detaching? I mean, how will I KNOW I am starting to detach? I think this feeling might be part of it.
Indifference is definitely the beginning of detachment. It means that her actions aren't causing emotional responses in you as they once did.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I hope this is a good thing. Maybe, I am finally detaching? I mean, how will I KNOW I am starting to detach?
- When you no longer obsess (nor particularly even care) about what HER reaction to YOUR thoughts/actions are;
- When you no longer obsess (nor particularly even care) about what she is doing/thinking;
- When you are able to begin to operate from a framework, not of "How will she react to this? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?", and instead begin to operate from one of "What is 'The Right Thing to Do' in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?";
- When you largely stop asking "WHY?" in association with everything she does, or doesn't do.
- When the majority of your daily thoughts become more centered around YOUR daily goals, interests, and concerns, and not around HERS.
