Moving on with my life!

[Startingover2]

Good on you!!! How is offering to be available 20 minutes BEFORE his scheduled time keeping him from the baby, though?

I understand your fear - but as long as you are available according to the court documents, you are BETTER than good!

An even better response?
"X, we're not available until the scheduled time this afternoon." Then followed up by your excellent point for more notice for REQUESTED changes.
And just because he asks, doesn't mean it works for you every single time.

He is in for some adjusting - but you will be SO better off for it!

(((hugs)))

I get worried because I know he is already lying about the visitation to people. What is going to keep him from lying in court saying I cancel or deny him visits when I really haven't? I do have my journal, but didn't save every text from the last year.

He will stomp his feet and get angry. Not sure when/if he will take me to court. Maybe when he finds a sugar momma that has $$. Even then he will have the burden of proving he is sober and stable. Things I need to keep in mind.

You are right DF! He is in for an adjustment. I am not stopping him from seeing baby, but in reclaiming my life I am no longer letting him come and go when he feels like it.

For instance...right now is in the middle of his 'visit time'. No call. Nothing. He must be busy with something else...fine, but he can't complain then.

[Startingover2]

HAHA! I just gotta post this before bed.

Tonight exh sends a text:

Exh: How is baby?
Me: Good.
Exh: What is with the attitude lately?
Me: No attitude. I am the happiest I have been in a long time!
Exh: Who are you seeing? You can tell me?

Done texting. Funny how me putting some distance between us makes him think I am dating. I have not hinted about dating. Just pulled away and then went out for a bit. Amazing!

[Reincarnated]

[25yearsmlc]

No, he doesn't have that "right." He is intruding into YOUR life at this point.
He has a right to know that she is loved and safe (she is), if she has a medical or educational issue at any time, if she is going to be out of state for any reason...
I can even see him getting on the phone (speaker phone if needed) to talk to her once a day, maybe say goodnight, even read her a short story - THAT is a connection that may be meaningful to her at this point. The other stuff is just controlling you. You don't work for him; you are not the daycare provider (and even a paid provider would get pretty pissed if they got 5 phone calls during their watch!)

Divorce is hard in parents - but that is life.
I can't imagine calling my x up to 5 times a day when the kids are with him to ask what they are doing or to "kiss them for me." Yes, mine are older - but it is HIS time with them. I don't want him infringing on his time with me, either.

Now, I understand that your x screwed up and has supervised visits - guess what, HIS consequences for his choices.

Maybe you can have your cell plan changed (or just suggest that it was changed): "Sorry ex, I can't accept text messages anymore - you'll have to use email or call with emergencies only, besides this one time a day that I can make sure that baby is available for you to talk to on the phone."

Ugh, I know that you still have deep feelings for him, but he is just a messed up controlling creep from my vantage point.
And you deserve SO much better!!!!

What she said!! Get a few lines/retorts memorized and many have been suggested. They don't have to be snotty (but you can have "level 2" lines that are FIRMER in case he gets amnesia and then you remind him that HE of all people is in NO position to judge you--no matter what, say ALL your lines calmly...it is so empowering. IN fact if he raises his voice you do the opposite and lower yours the same amount he raised his..very effective tool) ..

Make the message comfortable for you with some of your modifications. It has to be authentic for you. It can't be too long! NOTHING WORDY to disagree with. Just Stating facts "we're divorced now so the focus is on co-parenting. I have friends for the other stuff and sharing my personal life with you, slows down my moving on. I have LOTS of goals and don't want to keep looking backwards...I have to keep looking forwards now and I'm sure you feel the same way so now, back to baby...." and if the call is NOT about baby then give it 2 min MAX and get off the phone for reasons already stated. Since you'll always be calm, you're not a "Bi#$@" no matter what HE says..."No X h, I'm not angry nor am I a bad person. I'm moving on...there's a difference." IF he cusses at you, hang up. ALWAYS CALMLY, and I cannot stress that enough. But if you get testy at times, it's human.

Expect to repeat your message a lot but it's like a campaign where the candidate gets boring with his message but HE STAYS ON IT til we the voters get it...even if we don't like it, we "get" it...he needs to get your message so you need to have a clear one, and you need to communicate it, a lot.
Hope this helps. The heart DOES follow where the head goes- and your head is getting in the right place so I feel you're moving in the right direction.

LISTEN to the good advice here. Stop letting yourself get sucked back in/ and put a STOP SIGN in your mind when he tries to drag you back. You know, He cannot force you to be sucked back into his vortex of negative energy and doormat life. YOU DO HAVE CHOICE...NEVER FORGET THAT....BUT IF CHOICE IS NOT EXERCISED...THEN YOU ARE "CHOOSING" TO BE STUCK...and that's choosing to be a weak victim.

In the end it really is all up to you.

(( j ))

[Startingover2]

Now I do need to brace for the fallout of my newfound independence. Exh will either turn on the charm or get very nasty.

Good point on the calm. Very effective and it drives exh crazy. He wants everyone as loony as him.

He may want to come by today since he missed yesterday. Thankfully I have alot going on! Need to prepare to stay strong.

[bright_new_day]

Brace yourself and stay strong. Who cares what he does, your life is not about him and reacting to him anymore. He has a schedule to see your daughter, that is the time you will need to interact with him. Ignore all the meaningless texts that he only sends to keep himself on your radar. If he gets pissy then that is his problem. Remain calm and tell him that you will let him know if there is a problem with the baby. I like the idea that Donna suggested, establishing a time that X can talk to or read to baby over the phone. Suggest that very nicely and see if he goes along. That way he can interact with her, rather than constantly trying to interact with you. "Kiss baby for me" is ridiculous and needs to be stopped.

Did you get the garnishment paperwork going yet?

[Startingover2]

[quote=Donna...Found]"we're divorced now so the focus is on co-parenting. I have friends for the other stuff and sharing my personal life with you, slows down my moving on. I have LOTS of goals and don't want to keep looking backwards...I have to keep looking forwards now and I'm sure you feel the same way so now, back to baby...."

I love this! I put it in the drafts of my phone so I am ready!

Did you get the garnishment paperwork going yet?

Actually a friend is going out of town tomorrow. She is going to go by and pick up the packet for me.

[Startingover2]

Text just came in. Ignoring.

"What is wrong? You never answered my question about who you are seeing?"

Here we go!

[bright_new_day]

Text just came in. Ignoring.

"What is wrong? You never answered my question about who you are seeing?"

Here we go!

OMG, he is pathological. Send that text that is in the drafts in your phone. Then when he blows up at you send it again, then send it again.....

[Startingover2]

Text just came in. Ignoring.

"What is wrong? You never answered my question about who you are seeing?"

Here we go!

OMG, he is pathological. Send that text that is in the drafts in your phone. Then when he blows up at you send it again, then send it again.....

I will!

Since my last post 30 minutes ago he added:

Exh: No response?
Exh: Hello! Whats the problem?