The adventure chronicles

[mindfull]

OK, Ignore what I just typed...

Ignore all of her divorce term babble, and talk to your attorney ASAP. Don't read it. Anymore.

[v1olin]

If you want to move then fight for full custody. She abandoned you, your daughter, and her home.

[v1olin]

One more thing. In my state if the child is 14 or older they can choose who they want to live with.

[oldtimer]

"I know hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I would have filed a while ago--I've held on for too long."

No, you really didn't, because you weren't DONE. Had you quit before you were DONE, it would bother you. You will benefit from knowing that you did your best.

"I fear that this will become ugly very quickly."

No doubt, and it would have whenever it happened. On the bright side, the history of her living outside of the house, not spending much time with DD, etc., may help you.

This is business. Your W is irrational and all over the place. There is no reason to try to engage in business with her. Her promises about what she will/won't accept are meaningless until the judge signs. Leave things to your L.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ugh, more drama... Thoughts on this?

She's decisive, I'll give her that!

Puppy

[AFWAW]

well, she started with the calling a bunch of times last night. Looks like I'm going to have to get my phone number changed and/or disconnected if she continues. And also, if she's requesting a divorce now, I have to belive that she just wanted to reconcile to have access to my daughter. I believe she had no intent to ever try counseling.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think she wanted to re-control you. Once it got thru to her that that would no longer work, I think she went batchitcrazy.

The D just becomes the new lever by which she'll try to control you: legally.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

I hadn't thought of it that way but it makes sense given her past history. Hopefully, my lawyer will have something good to say regarding custody of my daughter. My daughter still contends that she wants to live with me. In FL, according to my lawyer, until a child is 15 years of age, they cannot choose who they want to live with. The do however have a say and the judge will consider what they have to say. That coupled with the fact that my wife left my daughter with me for the past 10 months will hopefully help my case.

[oldtimer]

W is definitely all over the place and acting out. It could be that she did want to reconcile but became out of control frustrated when she couldn't make it happen the way she wanted to. Who knows. Maybe she'll flail around, hit bottom, and seek counseling. Stranger things have happened.

Hope the L visit goes well. Sounds like you do have a strong case with respect to custody of DD.

[AFWAW]

Well, I talked to the lawyer today and got her advice. Here is what she told me and what I relayed to my wife via email:

I understand now that you want a divorce. It appears that you have once again misrepresented your intentions to me but never the less, let me address your proposal. I have consulted with my lawyer today and shared with her your proposal. I will address each one so you know where I stand.

1. Joint/shared 50-50 custody of daughter. One week on, one week off, rotating holidays. No child support for either of us. For child care, future field trips, other expenditures, even split of payment.

This is not agreeable. I asked my lawyer about this one and she indicated to me that even if I was to agree to this, the court would not allow this type of arrangement as it would not be conducive to the child’s schedule to include school and home life. On top of that, it’s not fair to daughter to be yanked back and forth every other week. She has indicated to both you and I that she would like to live with me. She has relayed to me that you have indicated to her that I am pitting her against you? If you are having this type of conversation with her, it is unacceptable. My lawyer told me that if we wanted to do an uncontested divorce we have to agree on all terms. She suggested a standard visitation schedule with daughter coming over there every other weekend as she already has done and on rotating holidays. I told her about our arrangements during her Christmas break. She indicated that this was a perfectly acceptable type of arrangement as daughter was not in school. Additionally, if I PCS, normal visitation will probably not be possible but you would have daughter for longer during the summer—6 weeks is the norm and you would have her on alternating holidays when they were long enough to allow for adjustment times for daughter . Furthermore, if I PCS then the norm is for me to split the cost of daughter's travel with you. If you were to PCS before me, then you would be liable for her travel costs.

The bottom line on this portion and I believe it to be the biggest is that if we cannot come to an agreement regarding daughter , then we will have a contested divorce. My lawyer gave me the background on what will happen. First, you and I will have to have parental evaluations after all the appropriate paperwork is filled out. The cost of the evaluation varies depending on the time spent and can range anywhere from $2,000-$3,500. Next, all the data is sent to the judge who evaluates what he has and then sets a date to meet with you, me and daughter . He then determines what is best for daughter. Since daughter is only 13, she cannot just say who she wants to live with but my lawyer said that the judge considers what she has to say very seriously and what she wants is weighed very heavily. Bottom line, it will be a long drawn out experience that daughter should not have to go through. I have not kept daughter from you and would never do so.

Regarding child care, field trips, and other expenditures, the normal course of action as indicated is for the non-custodial parent to pay child support. I asked my lawyer based on your income and mine what was the set amount under FL law and she indicated that what you were paying was the right amount based on her calculator which was $XXX per payday or $XXX per month.

2. Refinance or sell the house. Proceeds from the house can be split in half, with you additionally recouping the principle you paid in while I didn't live there (from Feb 09 onward).

I will sell the house when I PCS or when it makes sense to do so. I’m assuming that I will get orders this year. If that is the case, I will sell it. Any profit made will be split accordingly as indicated with me recouping the principle paid since Feb 09. At such a point that I PCS and the house does not sell or rent, you will be responsible for half the mortgage and home equity payments as will I until it sells or rent or you may move back in to the house and pay the whole mortgage with the same agreement. If you intend to sell and/or rent it within 1 year, then we would split the profit with you receiving the principle paid into it after 1 year. If there is a loss on the house, we would split the loss evenly.


We each keep our own retirement with no claim on the other's income.

Agreed.

8. You may continue to claim daughter as a dependent on your taxes for as long as you're receiving dependent rate BAH.

Not acceptable, I will continue to claim daughter as a dependent on my taxes until she becomes an adult as long as she resides with me. It does not matter what my job is or whether or not I’m receiving dependent rate BAH.

9. For daughter's 529, we can either split the prepaid college payment evenly or as long as you're paying the payment, I will purchase a $100 savings bond for her each month.

This is agreeable. I will continue to pay her prepaid college payment and you can split it with me and purchase a $100 savings bond for her each month.

She said: If we can come to an agreement on these items, we can do the paperwork ourselves and save a bunch of money on legal bills. Please let me know your concerns.


I said: These are my terms basically. The minor details can be worked out by my lawyer and yours for an uncontested divorce. If you choose to contest any aspect, then the cost will go up considerably as you’ve already indicated.

Also, I've tried repeatedly to reach daughter since 1700 this afternoon. I have left messages on the home phone, her cell and I even called your cell number. Would you please have her call me?

daughter did try to call you yesterday and relayed to me that you did not answer. She was studying last night for two tests. She received a 94% on her finance test today and you should be very proud of her.


Let's keep this civil if we can, ok?

I have been civil about this the whole time whereas you have not. If you cannot agree to these terms, then I have no choice but to pursue a contested divorce. Please let me know your intentions. Additionally, daughter has indicated to me that she does not wish to spend the week at your apartment next week. It is not fair to her, however, if you would like to get her later in the week say Thursday night so you can have a longer weekend with her I would be agreeable to that.

WAW, I have been civil so far and it is my intent to remain so. I understand that you are not interested in living up to your end of the agreement that we made and while disappointing to me as it may be, I cannot force you to do anything against your will.

Kind of long and I only included the highlights but any thoughts and/or feedback would be appreciated, especially from those that have been through this.